Q:

What can I do to control my anger in a time of conflict?

A:

Anger can feel all-consuming, especially in the midst of a heated argument or conflict. Our minds race, our thoughts buzz, and our hearts pound. For some, it takes over and the results are emotionally disastrous. Explosive behavior can cause a person to yell, scream, say hurtful things, and even react with physical aggression.

When anger erupts during a conflict with your spouse, a friend, or even a stranger, it can tarnish, damage, or end the relationship. Repeated instances can have lasting effects.  It can affect your spouse’s self-esteem, erode trust, or even worse, change how they respond to you, making them quicker to retaliate or retreat.

How can you prevent your anger from taking over?

Many of us have an adverse reaction to our own anger. We can feel ashamed of being out of control with our actions and emotions. But the truth is, it is unavoidable. It is a basic human emotion that is physiologically sewn into our beings.

Anger can serve a purpose—it lets us know that something we value has been violated. So, the goal is not to avoid ever feeling angry, but to learn to control how negativity affects us and how we react to the emotion, especially as it builds and we risk losing control and possibly even hurting others.

The best way to control your emotions is before an incidence of anger arises. Here are some steps you can take now to help you respond to your emotions rather than react.

Understand: The first step to controlling your anger is understanding the mechanism that causes this powerful emotion. It is hardwired into our brains and bodies.

When a trigger arises, our brain sends an impulse to the amygdala, igniting our fight or flight response. In turn, the adrenal glands begin releasing adrenaline and testosterone. These hormones can trigger aggression. Luckily, our prefrontal cortex exists. This part of the brain helps us make decisions, keeps our hostility reigned in, and guides us towards rational actions.

Reflect: Take some time to reflect. Write down your thoughts as you remember past scenarios that led you to lose your temper.

What emotions you were feeling, and how you responded. Is there a pattern of triggers, like feeling challenged, blamed, or accused by your spouse? If so, watch for these triggers and be prepared for the emotional response that is likely to occur.

Accept responsibility: Following an incidence of uncontrolled anger, many people are prone to shift the blame onto the victim. Recognizing that you are responsible and able to control your response to anger is a crucial step to breaking the harmful patterns.

You may feel out of control during a conflict, but you must accept that you have the ability to control your actions.

How to respond to anger in the moment.

Of course, we recommend diffusing conflict before you reach your threshold. But should a conflict occur, and you feel your insides brewing, here are some additional steps you can take:

Verbalize your feelings: Recognize, acknowledge, and verbalize both to yourself and your spouse, that you are starting to feel angry. This allows your prefrontal cortex to gain more control of the decision-making process. Verbalizing how you feel also allows your spouse the opportunity to acknowledge your anger as well.

Step away: Stay present but choose to control your actions and step away from the conflict. As soon as you start to feel the physical manifestations of anger, like your heart rate going up and tension gripping your body, take a deep breath, and choose to leave. Tell your spouse “I need a moment to calm down.” or “I need some time and space to collect myself.”

Be mindful: Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how strong your anger is. Talk yourself into calming down, and if you can’t, turn to a positive outlet to burn off your built-up angst.

It can be anything from going for a walk, exercising, or listening to music or a podcast. Any activity that you enjoy and takes your mind off the incident can relieve the tension and calm your nervous system.

Do not re-enter the conversation until you are fully composed and calm: Wait to have a conversation with your counselor, if need be. Having someone help you work through your anger and what’s causing your anger can allow you to heal.If your anger has become destructive or chronic and is hurting your relationships, contact our office to find out about our anger management program.

With the right tools and guidance over time, you can reduce the harmful effects of anger on your life and in your relationships.

You don’t have to fall victim to the same patterns of conflict and strife you’ve faced in the past. Understanding the causes and how you can better handle the stress can put the merry, jolly, and happy back into your holidays.

Unwrap the reason for the conflict and gift yourself with the tools to deal with it!

If you’ve ever wondered why relationships (whether it’s spouses, siblings, relatives or friends) tend to become particularly strained around the holidays, the answer is simple: the holidays present unique circumstances and expectations that can magnify friction, stress, and conflict. In fact, most people juggle several holiday friction points, which can make it difficult to hold it all together, let alone be jovial.

Common Holiday Conflict Points

Here are some common friction points that tend to surface during the holidays and some tips to mitigate conflict.

1. Holiday Spending

One of the biggest stressors around the holidays is spending. This is no surprise since money is one of the top sources of conflict in relationships. Holidays bring a lot of extra expenses, including gifts, holiday cards, family photos, decorations, extravagant foods for the big family feast, and new clothes for all the holiday parties. As the expenses add up, so does the likelihood of a disagreement on how much money should be spent and on what.

To avoid spending friction, sit down with your spouse, make a list of anticipated expenses, and agree on a budget before beginning your holiday spending. This will ensure you’re both on the same page. Be sure to communicate if an unexpected expense comes up and discuss whether or not you can afford it.

Remember that avoiding dealing with the issue will not make it go away and is more likely to result in greater conflict later. Being able to have an honest conversation with your significant other about the state of your finances, as well as your feelings about your financial habits, is crucial for a healthy relationship.

2. House Guests

In today’s world, spending the holidays with your extended family often requires traveling and staying with relatives or hosting relatives in your home. This creates the potential for multiple friction points. Maybe your in-laws say things that bring up uncomfortable emotions, or maybe the pressure of having a perfectly clean house and being the perfect host leaves you stressed and overwhelmed. What can you do to reduce tension and recapture the joy of the holidays when confronted with reduced privacy and unsolicited input from relatives?

First, set boundaries for the length of time that the guests will stay. This gives you the ability to say to yourself, “It will only be one more hour” or “One more day.” Many people are unsure of how to broach the topic of set departure times, but it can be as simple as stating the start and end time when you first extend the invitation, so guests know when the event is expected to end.

Second, make time for self-care. Just because your in-laws are staying at your house, doesn’t mean you have to devote every waking moment to be with them. For example, if going to the gym is part of your daily routine, stick to it. You can also excuse yourself to go to bed a bit earlier to read, journal, spend time with your significant other, or anything else that will help you decompress.

3. The Pressure of Perfection

So many people feel an immense amount of pressure to plan and orchestrate the perfect holiday celebration. This pressure can quickly turn from cheer to stress and anxiety. Be wary of falling into the comparison trap and examine your motives—how much of what you are doing is simply to impress others and not what really makes you happy?

Set realistic expectations and do not spread yourself too thin. Talk over your plans with your spouse or family member. Together, prioritize what matters most to you and what you think you can realistically manage.

Then . The hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, parties, and house guests can lead you to feel out of control. The more you plan ahead and ask for help when needed, the less stress you will find yourself under. And remember to keep things in perspective. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t find the perfect gift or everything on your list doesn’t get done. Don’t dwell on it; let it go.

Finally, forgive and forget mishaps. At the end of the day, perfection is impossible, so just do your best and remind yourself to not dwell on minor hiccups in the day. 

4. Family Conflict

At times, conflict between family members is inevitable. But knowing how to manage the conflict without losing your temper is critical.

Whether it be opposing political views or a deep-seated family conflict like perceived favoritism, holiday celebrations are not the time nor the place to seek resolution for these issues. If you find a family member is bringing up a topic that is likely to result in tension and arguments:

• Choose not to engage
• Walk into another room for a few moments to regain your composure
• Ask to defer the conversation for another time and suggest a new topic

5. Spousal Resentment

Often one spouse feels like they’re doing all the work to make the holidays a success. If you find yourself feeling like you’re doing all the work, set aside a time to talk with your spouse and ask for help. Do not let your resentment build. Express your feelings honestly without accusatory language. At the Marriage Recovery Center, we often use Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication Model to help couples communicate effectively.

• (OBSERVATION) When I see you _______ or hear you say _________,
• (FEELING) I feel________.
• (NEED) Because I have a need for ______,
• (REQUEST) in the future, it would help if you would ________.

For example, “When I hear you say that you want to help, but then I don’t see you following through on your promise, I feel confused and anxious, because I have a need for clarity and consistency.  In the future, if you say that you’re willing to help out with a particular task, it would mean a lot to me if you would follow through with your actions.”

On the other hand, if your spouse is the one that takes charge of the holidays, be sure to verbally recognize their efforts and offer assistance, even if they seem to have everything under control. Don’t forget to thank them for all they do to make everything fall into place.

Find the Happy in Happy Holidays This Year

Holidays don’t have to be marked by stress and conflict.  Let us help you identify what’s not working and give you some practical steps you can take to make your holiday a happy one. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Mini Intensive. You can also schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.

We’ve all had those moments when we feel like someone is being “too emotional.” But the reality is, without emotions, relationships would simply be a series of transactions. Emotions are what make us feel connected in relationships.  It’s why you fell in love in the first place. Emotions in and of themselves are not bad.  It’s how we react to them that can cause harm.

If you have difficulty understanding and empathizing with your spouse’s emotions, below are some tips on how to listen to your spouse’s feelings.

How To Practice Empathetic Listening

1. Identify What You Are Feeling

Be aware of your own emotional responses. If you want to be attentive to your spouse’s emotions, you need to be aware of your own.  But be very careful not to make this all about your emotions and what you’re feeling. While being mindful of how you’re feeling is important, you may need to put your own emotions and reactions aside for a moment to fully engage in these next few steps.

2.  Be Aware of Your Reactions

If what your spouse is saying makes you feel defensive or angry, remember this:  it’s okay to feel that way, but don’t act on it. The emotions that we are  experiencing are not the problem. It’s the behaviors and words we use as a result of how we feel that can cause serious harm.  So before you react, pause and don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind, as it is very likely that you will cause some damage if you do that. I talk more about how to communicate your feelings in a healthy way in my companion blog “How To Communicate Your Feelings To Your Spouse.”

3.  Listen

Do this without interrupting and without judgment. Do not respond with blaming—this is typically an attempt to bypass responsibility. Avoid jumping to problem-solving mode—this might make your spouse feel like you just want to end the conversation. While this might be exactly what you want, it probably is not what they need from you at that moment.

4.  Practice Assertive Listening

Yes, more listening. But this time you can talk. You might wonder what you should say in that situation. The thing you are trying to be attentive to is your spouse’s emotion. Try asking, “When that happens, how does it make you feel?” Or, “What happened that caused you to feel this way?” Whatever you say, if your spouse detects any amount of contempt or sarcasm in your voice, the conversation might be over before it even gets off the ground, and you’ve lost a chance to connect, so be very careful how you ask things.

5.  Validate

After your spouse tells you what they are feeling and why, name and validate the emotion. Do this without judgment. Your spouse is entitled to feel whatever they are experiencing, even though you may not understand why, and regardless of whether or not you would have the same emotional reaction. Remember that you are validating the emotion; this doesn’t mean you have to validate or accept their behaviors or certain words they may have used. Try saying “I didn’t know that was making you feel [emotion]” or “I’m sorry you felt [emotion] because I did that.” Not only will the person feel more connected to you, but validation helps regulate emotions back to baseline. An emotionally calmer conversation means a more productive conversation.

6.  Repair

Again, a good place to start is by asking questions. For example, you can ask “If that happens again, what do you want me to do instead?” Remain open to suggestions. Do not make promises that you cannot keep but affirm your intention to make changes where you can. Your spouse may not be fully emotionally regulated yet—give them time and space if they need it. Alternatively, your spouse might want reassurance with a hug or your words.  The simple act of thanking them for sharing or reinforcing how much you value your spouse and your relationship can be an important step towards reconnection.

If the struggle to navigate the sea of emotions has become a stumbling block in your relationship, it may be time to seek outside help. We at the Marriage Recovery Center have helped thousands of couples learn how to better understand their mate and their emotions, and we would love to help you as well! Click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to discuss your needs and how to get started.

What Are Your Emotions Trying To Tell You

Emotions are indicator lights, giving us information about situations or relationships. Emotions give our bodies and brains signals for how we should act to keep us safe and help maintain healthy relationships. When someone acknowledges and validates our emotions, they validate our experience. This allows intimacy to grow and helps us to feel safe in relationships. I talk more about empathetic listening in “How To Listen To Your Spouse’s Feelings.” Often when we experience emotions, especially intense negative emotions, we want to do something about them right in that moment. You probably want to go tell your spouse exactly what’s on your mind. Or you might want to engage in numbing activities like excessive alcohol or drugs to avoid what you are feeling. If you are overcome with strong emotions, here are some steps to communicate them in a way that allows you to feel heard and understood.

How to Communicate Your Emotions

Stop. Don’t Do Anything

Remember that emotions don’t cause harm, but what we choose to do or say because of the emotions can be very harmful.

Name and Rate Your Emotions

First, name your emotion. Maybe you can name three or four emotions that you are experiencing all at once. That’s good! While it may be overwhelming and uncomfortable, you have a name for the emotions and that’s a great start. Next, try to rate the intensity of the emotions on a scale of one to ten. Ask yourself, “Does the intensity of the emotion match the situation?” Imagine you feel like falling onto the floor crying or throwing something while screaming. Did you just experience profound grief and loss, like the death of a loved one? Perhaps the intensity fits. Did your spouse just drink from your favorite mug and then leave it out, dirty? Perhaps the intensity of the emotion doesn’t fit the situation.

Regulate

If the intensity of the emotion does not fit, your next goal is to regulate until it does. Don’t tell your spouse what you’re feeling yet. While it is often helpful to journal or talk to yourself about how you’re feeling, in this case, it may only serve to heighten the emotion, and the intensity, by continuing to place it at the center of your attention. Instead, use a healthy distraction or calming activity, like taking a bath or going for a walk while listening to music, until the intensity of the emotion fits the situation.

Request

Now that your emotional intensity matches the situation, you’re ready to talk. Remember, the goal isn’t to get rid of the emotion completely before discussion; the goal is to make sure the intensity fits the situation. Approach your spouse in a calm, confident manner. If you don’t feel calm and confident—fake it. You might just trick your brain and your body into feeling it. Ask if you can share with them. Try saying, “Can I share with you something I’m feeling right now?” If they say no, ask when a better time would be.

Use “I” Statements To Express How You Feel

Now you can get into the meat of it. Tell your spouse how you are feeling. Briefly summarize why you are feeling this way. When you describe the situation, stick to the facts. Do not include your beliefs about the situation or make accusations, demands, or threats. Also, try not to bring up past arguments. Here’s a script you could follow: “I feel [emotion] when [situation].” An example might be “I feel really lonely and unappreciated when you get home and turn on the TV without talking to me first.” You may want to add a statement about what you believe is your spouse’s best intention or a similar goal you have. “I know you care about how I feel,” or “I know we said we were going to work on sharing with each other, so I thought I’d try telling you how I felt today.” It is incredibly difficult to argue with someone who is stating something positive.

Don’t Get Derailed

Be aware of your body language and tone of voice. If you are acting like a prickly porcupine—even if your script is spot on—you’re eliminating opportunity to continue the conversation. Your spouse might try to provide an explanation for their actions. They might even say something mean or blaming. If your goal for this conversation is connection and receiving validation for your emotions, don’t get distracted by what they say. You may even have to ignore some of it.

Take a Break

If you are not receiving the response you hoped for, sometimes taking a break from the conversation is helpful. If you just were verbally attacked or invalidated, your emotions might have just shot back up. Go back and repeat step 3: Regulate.

Connect

You might not receive the exact response you were looking for, but if your spouse seems to be trying, accept it. There’s always room for future improvement. You may need to ask for something specific like, “Will you please remember to rinse out my favorite mug after you use it?” Humor can lighten a tense mood, but remember to keep the sarcasm out. You will likely still be experiencing some degree of uncomfortable emotion, even after the conversation. Focus on something that will allow you to feel opposite emotions… and if it is something that will also make you feel more connected to your spouse—even better! This might be a hug, a joke, or sharing a meal or activity together.

If you’ve tried all of these things but are still struggling to feel heard and understood in your relationship, there may be some deeper, unresolved issues that need to be addressed. Or maybe you’ve been stuck in these negative patterns for so long that you simply need help breaking out of the cycle of destructive communication. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in restoring emotional connection and would love to help you find new ways of relating to your spouse. Take the first step to a better marriage.  Click here to contact our Client Care Team.

So how do we share concerns with our spouse in a way that we are being both completely transparent and loving? In other words, how do we speak the truth in love? While there is no “cookie cutter” recipe, there are basic principles we can learn to apply that will allow us to have fruitful relationships.

If you don’t reveal the problems, they will reveal themselves.

Some of you may be thinking, “I don’t have a problem with being truthful. I don’t lie; I’m honest.” But many times, because we fear confrontation, or because we don’t want to cause trouble, or because we’re afraid that if our real feelings were revealed, the relationship might suffer, we fail to speak the truth. I have counseled with wives who were ready to divorce their husbands. When I’ve asked if they’ve ever talked honestly with him about the problems, they say, “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that! He’d explode!” So, they’d rather divorce him than speak truthfully to him about their problems!

For healing and correction to take place, there must be truthful communication. You can’t deal with a problem you’re not aware of because you deny it; the problem hasn’t been revealed to you; or you simply ignore it. To plaster over our feelings or thoughts and put on a happy face when there is a problem does not foster healthy relationships. In reality, that kind of behavior is more destructive than speaking the truth in love.

I’m not suggesting that a couple be ruthlessly honest in sharing everything. Some things don’t need to be shared. I can’t provide a formula on what not to share (that’s another discussion in itself!). But I will say this: The motive in speaking the truth must not be selfish– to gain the upper hand, to further one’s own happiness, or “just to get it off my chest.” The motive must be to grow in closeness with your mate. The motive should be to help the other person grow towards maturity.  In other words, the motive is selfless love, to seek the highest good of your mate because you care deeply for him or her. With that motive, a couple must learn to lay aside falsehood and speak truth so that conflicts can be resolved.

Sticks and stones may break my bones….

We all know the rest of that saying, but it could not be further from the truth.  Careless words hurt and can cause deep wounds. Proverbs 12:18 states, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” In other words, your tongue can be a sword to wound and kill, or it can be a scalpel to deal carefully with the problem and bring healing.

When speaking the truth, words whose purpose is to wound, not heal, must be put away. Destructive speech that tears down the other person will not resolve conflicts or create closeness with your spouse. There is a proper place for criticism or confrontation, but it should be with the goal of helping, not hurting. A good rule of thumb is, if it’s painful for you to criticize, you’re probably safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, hold your tongue.

We are not just to hold our tongue, however. We are to replace destructive words with constructive words that build up the other person at his/her point of need; and not because he/she deserves it, but because our love is gracious, and thus we are to be gracious in our speech.

Speaking the truth in love requires good timing.

Applying these principles of truthful communication in our relationships also requires us to be sensitive to the timing of sharing. I think of times when my wife and I were first married. We were given the counsel by the pastor who married us to “not let the sun go down upon your anger.” Unfortunately for us, I grabbed ahold of this idea and decided that my wife and I would never go to bed angry. As you can imagine, this was disastrous, and more importantly, I misunderstood the principle.

Much to her credit, my wife responded to this by saying: “you can do whatever you want; but, I’m going to bed!” I was so angry. Some of my longest and hardest runs (I’m a “runner”) were on those nights. I would run so hard and long – usually in one direction – away from home. Do you know what the problem is with running in one direction? You still have to come back! God used these times to really begin working on me. God showed me the real meaning of this scripture – it was MY anger that I needed to give to Him, not OUR anger!

God is certainly willing to show us what we need to do, change, or remind us of those times when we need to be quiet and listen – especially to Him. Sometimes, these quiet times are the most informative in teaching us how to speak the truth in love.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you cannot share your concerns with your spouse either because you fear their reaction, or fear what it will do to the relationship, I invite you to reach out to us.  I would love to have a conversation with you about your struggles, your fears and how I can help you have better communication with your spouse in a way that invites connection.

Click here to schedule a free call with a Client Care Specialist who will help you get started on your journey to a better marriage.

On the other end of the spectrum, our present-day culture portrays a very different view of men. Men are often viewed as selfish, sexually charged, uncaring, stoic, and controlling. At the same time, they are often expected to work and provide, to be useful, to make wise decisions and to eventually amass enough wealth to retire. I find that many men lose their personal sense of identity if they buy into either of these world views.

A “Real Man” According to Scripture

Scripture is the place to learn what a man should be and do. So, what does the Bible say it is to be a “real man?”

1. A real man controls his passions and emotions.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Single or married, men are not to pursue immoral passions or sexual exploits. Real men do not dwell on what is evil. Real men follow God with a heart of compassion and lead with confidence of knowing who and what they are. Real men think clearly and have a conscience that is clear.

2. A real man provides for, protects, and serves his family.

1 Timothy 5:8 says, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Real men provide for the family on multiple levels, including emotional and spiritual needs.

Men are called to be servant-leaders, to take responsibility for putting the needs of their wives and children above their own needs. They are called to demonstrate selfless, sacrificial love—the type of love we see in God toward his children.

Men do not abuse women or children; men are protectors. It seems pretty simple to say real men protect their families from physical harm, but men also need to protect loved ones from other kinds of harm. Proverbs 4:10–15 describes a father who protects his son by passing on wisdom, helping him build godly character. A good father trains his children, prepares them for life, and helps them become responsible adults who will know how to cope with this world and its culture.

3. A real man follows God’s design for him.

Micah 6:8 says, “He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” The core of a man’s life should be his relationship with God. The man who walks humbly with God is motivated and empowered to step up and assume the difficult responsibilities that come his way. Leonard Sweet said, “Your life is not your own; it belongs to God. To ‘be yourself’ is to be and do what God wants you to be and do, knowing that God created you for a mission and knows you and your mission better than you do.”

4. A real man shows compassion.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God…since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. – 1 John 4:7, 11-12

Therapeutic Goals

If we understand and agree with the biblical view of what a real man is, then why don’t we live it? That is where therapeutic care comes in. Here are some areas that I believe need to be addressed therapeutically in men who want to be mentally and spiritually healthy:

1. Become aware of character issues.

All men struggle with character issues. They are not perfect, but they are also not all bad. Therapeutically, I want to help them be better men. One of the reasons for therapy is to become a better version of themselves.

2. Recognize thinking errors.

All men have what I call thinking errors. In therapy, we try to recognize what those errors look like and then we eliminate them and replace them with healthy thinking.

3. Understand the role of emotions.

Too many men dismiss emotions as unimportant. I try to help them recognize that emotions are what fuel their behaviors.

4. Control their anger and impulses.

We decide either to act out in anger or to handle our anger in healthy ways. Therapy can help us recognize when and how we get angry and teach us the tools to deal with that anger.

5. Learn why a marriage relationship is vital.

I help men realize the importance of treating their wives in a way that makes them feel safe, cared for, desired, and protected.

6. Be stewards of what God has given them.

If money can control things, it can also control us. It may also be tempting to use it to control other people. A healthy perspective is that money exists to provide for real needs.

7. Connect with other men and hold each other accountable.

Group therapy can help men connect to other men so that they have the support and accountability that encourages growth.

8. Know that change is possible.

Sometimes this realization comes as a “conversion moment.” Therapy can help us see something we cannot not see on our own. Therapy helps us see a new way of being.

This is a short list of some of the therapeutic outcomes I work towards with clients in my practice and in the men’s group I lead called The Core. However, we are not two-dimensional people. There is no magic formula; each man has unique experiences and their partners have unique needs.

If you are grappling with anything mentioned in this article and it is leading to disruption in your relationships, let us help you through these tough and confusing issues! Please give our office a call at (206) 219-0145 for more information or contact our Client Care Team.

So is a mid-life crisis just bound to happen to everyone at some point in their lives?  Many of us get to a season in life where we begin to struggle and question everything—who we are, why we’re here, and how to create a life worth living.

While some people think that mood and perspective are all a choice, perhaps sometimes we are at the mercy of life’s natural phases and chapters that are, believe it or not, seemingly hard-wired into our biology.

During certain times, we are almost forced to go deeper to find our truth in order to move on into the later chapters of life more elegantly.  But to those around us who bear witness to this process, it can certainly appear that we’re not ourselves. It may look like we’re acting out in ways that are confusing and sometimes completely opposed to our prior belief systems and expected behavior.  Just like a mid-life crisis would look.

During these times of philosophical crisis, we often disconnect from those we love. Out of nowhere we buy sport-cars and motorcycles, we dress like teenagers, and some of us even seek out the attention of those half our age. Culturally we refer to this phase as a mid-life crisis, and for those who might think this is simply an excuse for unusual or even bad behavior, it actually appears to be somewhat biological.

Believe it or not, we even share this phase with other relatives in the animal kingdom! There is a similar U-shaped curve for happiness found in chimps and orangutans, implying that there may be a universal, biological correlation between age and happiness.

Happiness During A Mid-Life Crisis Is A Curve

As you can see by the Gallop World Poll taken in 2012, happiness and age are highly correlated, and our lowest level of happiness coincides with our middle years. What we think of as middle age has been moving out as we live longer, so the U-shaped curve has also been shifting to the right over time.

How Might We Experience This Phase?

In the words of Gail Sheehy in her book Passages, “People can expect to feel sometimes momentous changes of perspective, often mysterious dissatisfactions with the course they had been pursuing with enthusiasm only a few years before.” Plus being middle-aged nearly doubles a person’s likelihood of using antidepressants, so this is clearly a crisis on many levels (biological, emotional, intellectual).

Below is a list of some of the symptoms of a mid-life crisis. Give yourself 1 point for each symptom that applies to you and add up the total.

• You’re apathetic/feeling bored/your life is on autopilot.
• You’ve lost your sense of purpose.
• You’re jealous of others.
• You’re asking deep, probing questions.
• You’re making rash and unusual decisions, or unusual purchases that just aren’t “you.”
• You have no ability to see to the future.
• You have a deep sense of loss, like you already know the ending.
• You’re not satisfied in your success.
• You’ve become overly focused on your appearance, or not at all (think pajamas and slippers all of the time.)
• You’ve lost your desire to physically and emotionally connect with others.
• You’re seeking out the company of much younger people.

Are you having a mid-life crisis?

0-4 Unlikely

5-7 Could Be

8-11 Full Blown

How to Navigate Your Mid-Life Crisis More Elegantly

• Slow down and think through everything much more comprehensively before making any rash changes. This is a stop and pause time in life, a time to be contemplative. It’s much better to be slow to act than act too rashly and hurt others (and yourself) in the process.
• Know that a mid-life crisis isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’s part of our human experience to learn and grow through adversity. Go towards the big scary monster and ask, “What are you here to teach me?”
• Open up with loved ones to describe your process. Think of this like giving out your GPS coordinates when you’re lost in the woods. To paraphrase Brene Brown: we think our vulnerability makes people like us less, but in truth, they end up liking us a whole lot more.
• Create new goals that will help you better understand yourself and navigate the process effectively (taking good care of yourself, meditating, reading self-help books, counseling, joining a group of like-minded individuals, volunteering).
• Remember that by being still with your curiosity, you’ll ultimately boost your coping mechanisms.

How to Support a Partner Going Through a Mid-Life Crisis

• Remember, this isn’t about you. It’s difficult to see your partner slipping away emotionally and not think it’s about you, but be assured that it’s not. Try your best to not take this personally. Take care of yourself first, so that you’re healthy and thriving and available to help them if/when they need it.
• Allow them their process. Critical to fully supporting your partner as they navigate their middle years is to allow them enough space to go through their process completely unjudged, while always letting them know that you’re there for them if they need help. Funny enough, this should look a lot like healthy, successful parenting!
• Be a good listener. One of the highest forms of supporting another human is simply holding space for them, just being there for them, with no agenda, only love.
• Express your concern without an attachment to their response. Part of our loving others is wanting the best for them, and when we’re worried that they might be lost or suffering unnecessarily, of course we want to help. So, do that, share your concern so that your partner has this important feedback from someone they know loves them. But then leave them to do with it what they may.

When to Seek Help

Counseling allows for conversations that enable you to see the forest for the trees, to get beyond your own sometimes limited smaller perspective. So, when you’re not seeing things clearly and you can tell that your behavior is having a negative impact on those around you, this is a perfect time to seek out professional help.

At the Marriage Recovery Center, we’re very experienced in helping people to navigate the mid-life phase of life. So, if you find yourself flailing and unsure of your purpose, we can help! Call our client care team at (206) 219-0145  or click here to book a free consultation and rediscover your meaning and significance.

And what if, just maybe, this big time out actually contains an invitation for us? What if it’s an opportunity to look at how we live, what we value, and where our priorities lie? Maybe it affords us time to learn stillness and contemplation. Those tend to be lost arts in this day and age. And perhaps, in our newfound stillness, we will find ourselves face to face with God.

Being Still Before God

It’s interesting that Scripture never says, “Be busy and know that I am God.” Rather, it is a call to stillness. “My soul, be quiet before God, for from Him comes my hope.“ (Psalm 62:5) In the quiet, we can actually hear God speak. In the stillness, we can feel the breeze of His presence and the warmth of His embrace.

I’ll be very honest and say that stillness did not come naturally to me. When God first asked me to try it, I thought He was trying to kill me. I fidgeted, squirmed, protested, and walked away. I couldn’t hear a thing, feel a thing, or sense a thing. So, I fidgeted some more and got straight on to the “weeping and gnashing of teeth” phase. But God insisted, and so I tried again, and again, and again…until stillness actually came. And then so did God, and He brought peace with Him, and companionship, revelation, and life. All of a sudden, my soul understood the value of stillness and the wisdom of a God who knew that I needed it even when I couldn’t see it.

An Invitation to Stillness

Here is your invitation, from a God who knows you, loves you, and wants your company:

‘Arise, my love, my fair one,
And come away.

‘For behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
 
‘The flowers appear on the earth once again;
The time for singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

‘The fig tree has budded and ripens her figs,
And the vines are in blossom and give forth their fragrance.
Arise, my love, my fair one,
And come away.’”

“O my dove, [here] in the clefts in the rock,
In the sheltered and secret place of the steep pathway,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.”

Song of Song 2:10-14

Stillness in Marriage

The invitation to stillness also applies to our marriages. Maybe it’s time to get quiet with your soul and ask whether the way you’re living together as a couple is really what you wanted and had in mind when you said, “I do.” Are you the husband or wife you want to be? Are you having the effect you want to have on your family? What are you contributing to the atmosphere of your relationship? Is it grace and peace, understanding and patience, support and safety? Or is it impatience, criticism, and harm?

In the current season of “time out” that we are in, perhaps there’s a starting over that’s possible for you and your spouse. God wants for your marriage the same intimacy that He wants between you and Himself.  And it IS possible.

We at the Marriage Recovery Center would be honored to help you and your spouse work on your relationship and build something worth having. For more information on how we can help, please reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or contact our Client Care Team.

Common Thinking Errors

• Denial/Lying: Not admitting something that is true. There are 3 ways to lie: commission (saying something that is not true), omission (leaving out important information that we don’t want others to know about), and assent (pretending to agree or approve of others’ ideas and actions when we really don’t). We must speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and, of course, speak the truth in love.
• Excuse Making/Blaming: Finding a reason to justify behavior, to not be responsible or to diminish responsibility.
• Rationalizing/Justifying: Coming up with reasons to give ourselves permission to behave in a certain way. We rationalize our bad behaviors.
• “I’m Unique”: The belief that “my situation is different” allows us to believe that we are so unique and special that what applies to others doesn’t apply to us. This thinking error allows us to shut others out of our lives, believing that we don’t need help and that no one can understand us or our situation.
• Redefining/Vagueness: Shifting the focus off an issue we want to avoid or being purposefully vague. Sometimes this is subtle, sometimes obvious, always avoiding the real question.
• Black & White Thinking: This is seeing everything in a clear “black and white” perspective. Life is so complex that it produces a myriad of shades of gray in almost everything. Using black and white thinking allows us to rely on overly simplistic answers to try to answer complex questions. It reduces the complexity in many situations into something manageable but is still irrational and/or distorted. We use this to make things easier for us and to rationalize our choices. Some people say things like, “The Bible says…” but the Bible is also not always black and white, and it deals with us as the very complex people we are.
• Minimizing: Reducing the size, importance, or reality of something we’ve done.
• Grandiosity: This distorted thinking changes a situation into something so big or overwhelming that it allows us to avoid responsibility in some way or allows or fosters unhealthy behavior. Example: “I’m so good that even if I get caught, I can always talk my way out of it!”
• Crisis: When we’re always in crisis, the crisis distorts responsibility, so it gives us permission to act in a distorted way.
• Magical Thinking: Using thinking that has no basis in reality as an explanation for something. Often this thinking allows us to believe things we want that are not probable. “Everything will always be fine, no matter what.”
• Assuming: Assuming is the opposite of understanding. When we assume, we presume to know what others think or feel without real awareness of the facts. Assuming to know another person’s motives is often used as an excuse for our bad behaviors.
• Anger/Power-Playing: Anger is a normal emotion. However, this thinking/behavior is employed as a way to have control and/or manipulate others. It also allows us to avoid really facing an issue by using anger to deflect. Power-playing can either be aggressive or passive-aggressive. The intent is always to get our own way.
• Closing:This is thinking/behavior that is secretive or closed. It is used to distort reality by not facing it. It is also not being open to feedback from others. Using this thinking error at times allows us to feel a distorted power by concealing the truth. “I simply won’t talk about it.”
• Entitlement/Ownership:This thinking allows us to feel entitled to privileges based on our own distorted thinking. Such thinking causes us to, at times, feel ownership over people, things, or situations. It allows us to treat others like objects and justifies inappropriate and hurtful behavior.

All of these thinking errors are destructive, and God loves us too much to allow us to continue down a destructive path. God desires transformation for all of us.

The Bible is full of transformational language. Scripture tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We are created in God’s image, but we have fallen into disrepair and are overcome by our thinking errors. Thankfully, God is in the business of renovating our thinking.

Six Elements of Renewing Our Thinking Errors

1. Learning the truth: Transformation requires learning the truth. John 14:6, Ephesians 4:14-15, and 2 Timothy 3:16-17 talk about what truth is and how we can be transformed by knowing it.
2. Cleaning house: We must get rid of all of the thoughts and thinking errors that hinder us and do not serve us. Transformation requires cleaning house.
3. New thinking: We must be a people with a passion to be transformed by God. God does not force change upon us. We must choose to put on the new way of thinking and to put away the former way of life. We don’t just get rid of bad thinking habits; we replace bad habits with good ones.
4. Coaching: Transformation requires coaching. Professional athletes and those at the top of their game have coaches. A coach is concerned not only with your individual ability, but also how it benefits the team. We are not just individuals; we belong and live in community with others.
5. Honest community: Change requires living as part of an honest community. We need a safe place to be, where others will speak the truth in love. We need trusted Christian friends who can confront our thinking errors.
6. Faith: “Now, glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us, is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.” (Ephesians 3:20, The Living Bible). Transformation requires faith in God. How can you build your faith so that you can reap the promises in Ephesians 3:20?

If you struggle with any of the thinking errors listed above, we at the Marriage Recovery Center can help! We would be happy to help you cultivate new, healthy thoughts that lead to changed behaviors and improved relationships. Please give our office a call at (206) 219-0145 for more information or contact our Client Care Team.

There’s an old saying, “If you love someone, set them free, and if they come back to you, it was meant to be.” I don’t think life is really as fatalistic as that, but there is definitely something to be said for the deeper element of free will. When free will is taken out of the picture, love ceases to be love. If love is coerced, demanded, expected, or required, it ceases to be meaningful and simply serves to benefit one person who is exercising power over the other in some way.

Hear that again. Love ceases to be love when it is not freely chosen.

It is a common belief that separation signals the start of the end. In reality, the end was already well underway, and separation is what is needed is for something to shake up the status quo and interrupt where things are headed. There is much good that comes when both parties get a chance to step back, reevaluate the trajectory of their life both individually and together, and take the time to be intentional about what happens next.  This encapsulates our Healing Together philosophy which is the idea that when both individuals in the relationship take the time to work on themselves first, it is immensely beneficial to the relationship and accelerates the healing process.

A therapeutic separation, when done under proper guidance of a well-devised plan, creates space for each spouse to deeply reflect upon how they are choosing to show up in their world—to shift from living a reactive life to an intentional life.

The kinds of questions you ask yourself will determine the quality and direction of your separation. This isn’t a waiting game; your spouse is done waiting for change. It isn’t a power struggle; it’s already been proven which of you is more powerful. It’s not a free pass to do whatever you want. If you choose any of those options, divorce isn’t that far off.

Instead, ask questions that lead to life:

• Where are my choices leading me? What path am I on? Your destination is determined by your steps, not your intentions or hopes.
• What kind of person am I? Is it congruent with who I know I want to be? Does my true character match my reputation?
• In what ways might I be silencing my spouse? Where am I taking away his or her right to decide who to be and how to show up?
• What do I want my marriage to mean to my spouse and kids? To the people around me? Do I have a mission statement for my marriage?
• What do I need to acknowledge about what I’ve done to damage the relationship and how can I make true amends? Do I need professional help, rehabilitation, or ongoing coaching?
• What is my spouse saying he or she needs for healing? How can I help make room for what they say they need?

If you are at a crossroads, facing a separation, we would love to help you use this opportunity as a powerful time of reflection, growth, and healing. Path of Renewal is designed to help you create a roadmap to bring healing and connection to your marriage, no matter how far beyond hope you think it may be. Contact our Client Care team at (206) 219-0145 or check our website to find out more!