Q:

What can I do to control my anger in a time of conflict?

A:

Anger can feel all-consuming, especially in the midst of a heated argument or conflict. Our minds race, our thoughts buzz, and our hearts pound. For some, it takes over and the results are emotionally disastrous. Explosive behavior can cause a person to yell, scream, say hurtful things, and even react with physical aggression.

When anger erupts during a conflict with your spouse, a friend, or even a stranger, it can tarnish, damage, or end the relationship. Repeated instances can have lasting effects.  It can affect your spouse’s self-esteem, erode trust, or even worse, change how they respond to you, making them quicker to retaliate or retreat.

How can you prevent your anger from taking over?

Many of us have an adverse reaction to our own anger. We can feel ashamed of being out of control with our actions and emotions. But the truth is, it is unavoidable. It is a basic human emotion that is physiologically sewn into our beings.

Anger can serve a purpose—it lets us know that something we value has been violated. So, the goal is not to avoid ever feeling angry, but to learn to control how negativity affects us and how we react to the emotion, especially as it builds and we risk losing control and possibly even hurting others.

The best way to control your emotions is before an incidence of anger arises. Here are some steps you can take now to help you respond to your emotions rather than react.

Understand: The first step to controlling your anger is understanding the mechanism that causes this powerful emotion. It is hardwired into our brains and bodies.

When a trigger arises, our brain sends an impulse to the amygdala, igniting our fight or flight response. In turn, the adrenal glands begin releasing adrenaline and testosterone. These hormones can trigger aggression. Luckily, our prefrontal cortex exists. This part of the brain helps us make decisions, keeps our hostility reigned in, and guides us towards rational actions.

Reflect: Take some time to reflect. Write down your thoughts as you remember past scenarios that led you to lose your temper.

What emotions you were feeling, and how you responded. Is there a pattern of triggers, like feeling challenged, blamed, or accused by your spouse? If so, watch for these triggers and be prepared for the emotional response that is likely to occur.

Accept responsibility: Following an incidence of uncontrolled anger, many people are prone to shift the blame onto the victim. Recognizing that you are responsible and able to control your response to anger is a crucial step to breaking the harmful patterns.

You may feel out of control during a conflict, but you must accept that you have the ability to control your actions.

How to respond to anger in the moment.

Of course, we recommend diffusing conflict before you reach your threshold. But should a conflict occur, and you feel your insides brewing, here are some additional steps you can take:

Verbalize your feelings: Recognize, acknowledge, and verbalize both to yourself and your spouse, that you are starting to feel angry. This allows your prefrontal cortex to gain more control of the decision-making process. Verbalizing how you feel also allows your spouse the opportunity to acknowledge your anger as well.

Step away: Stay present but choose to control your actions and step away from the conflict. As soon as you start to feel the physical manifestations of anger, like your heart rate going up and tension gripping your body, take a deep breath, and choose to leave. Tell your spouse “I need a moment to calm down.” or “I need some time and space to collect myself.”

Be mindful: Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how strong your anger is. Talk yourself into calming down, and if you can’t, turn to a positive outlet to burn off your built-up angst.

It can be anything from going for a walk, exercising, or listening to music or a podcast. Any activity that you enjoy and takes your mind off the incident can relieve the tension and calm your nervous system.

Do not re-enter the conversation until you are fully composed and calm: Wait to have a conversation with your counselor, if need be. Having someone help you work through your anger and what’s causing your anger can allow you to heal.If your anger has become destructive or chronic and is hurting your relationships, contact our office to find out about our anger management program.

With the right tools and guidance over time, you can reduce the harmful effects of anger on your life and in your relationships.

You don’t have to fall victim to the same patterns of conflict and strife you’ve faced in the past. Understanding the causes and how you can better handle the stress can put the merry, jolly, and happy back into your holidays.

Unwrap the reason for the conflict and gift yourself with the tools to deal with it!

If you’ve ever wondered why relationships (whether it’s spouses, siblings, relatives or friends) tend to become particularly strained around the holidays, the answer is simple: the holidays present unique circumstances and expectations that can magnify friction, stress, and conflict. In fact, most people juggle several holiday friction points, which can make it difficult to hold it all together, let alone be jovial.

Common Holiday Conflict Points

Here are some common friction points that tend to surface during the holidays and some tips to mitigate conflict.

1. Holiday Spending

One of the biggest stressors around the holidays is spending. This is no surprise since money is one of the top sources of conflict in relationships. Holidays bring a lot of extra expenses, including gifts, holiday cards, family photos, decorations, extravagant foods for the big family feast, and new clothes for all the holiday parties. As the expenses add up, so does the likelihood of a disagreement on how much money should be spent and on what.

To avoid spending friction, sit down with your spouse, make a list of anticipated expenses, and agree on a budget before beginning your holiday spending. This will ensure you’re both on the same page. Be sure to communicate if an unexpected expense comes up and discuss whether or not you can afford it.

Remember that avoiding dealing with the issue will not make it go away and is more likely to result in greater conflict later. Being able to have an honest conversation with your significant other about the state of your finances, as well as your feelings about your financial habits, is crucial for a healthy relationship.

2. House Guests

In today’s world, spending the holidays with your extended family often requires traveling and staying with relatives or hosting relatives in your home. This creates the potential for multiple friction points. Maybe your in-laws say things that bring up uncomfortable emotions, or maybe the pressure of having a perfectly clean house and being the perfect host leaves you stressed and overwhelmed. What can you do to reduce tension and recapture the joy of the holidays when confronted with reduced privacy and unsolicited input from relatives?

First, set boundaries for the length of time that the guests will stay. This gives you the ability to say to yourself, “It will only be one more hour” or “One more day.” Many people are unsure of how to broach the topic of set departure times, but it can be as simple as stating the start and end time when you first extend the invitation, so guests know when the event is expected to end.

Second, make time for self-care. Just because your in-laws are staying at your house, doesn’t mean you have to devote every waking moment to be with them. For example, if going to the gym is part of your daily routine, stick to it. You can also excuse yourself to go to bed a bit earlier to read, journal, spend time with your significant other, or anything else that will help you decompress.

3. The Pressure of Perfection

So many people feel an immense amount of pressure to plan and orchestrate the perfect holiday celebration. This pressure can quickly turn from cheer to stress and anxiety. Be wary of falling into the comparison trap and examine your motives—how much of what you are doing is simply to impress others and not what really makes you happy?

Set realistic expectations and do not spread yourself too thin. Talk over your plans with your spouse or family member. Together, prioritize what matters most to you and what you think you can realistically manage.

Then . The hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, parties, and house guests can lead you to feel out of control. The more you plan ahead and ask for help when needed, the less stress you will find yourself under. And remember to keep things in perspective. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t find the perfect gift or everything on your list doesn’t get done. Don’t dwell on it; let it go.

Finally, forgive and forget mishaps. At the end of the day, perfection is impossible, so just do your best and remind yourself to not dwell on minor hiccups in the day. 

4. Family Conflict

At times, conflict between family members is inevitable. But knowing how to manage the conflict without losing your temper is critical.

Whether it be opposing political views or a deep-seated family conflict like perceived favoritism, holiday celebrations are not the time nor the place to seek resolution for these issues. If you find a family member is bringing up a topic that is likely to result in tension and arguments:

• Choose not to engage
• Walk into another room for a few moments to regain your composure
• Ask to defer the conversation for another time and suggest a new topic

5. Spousal Resentment

Often one spouse feels like they’re doing all the work to make the holidays a success. If you find yourself feeling like you’re doing all the work, set aside a time to talk with your spouse and ask for help. Do not let your resentment build. Express your feelings honestly without accusatory language. At the Marriage Recovery Center, we often use Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication Model to help couples communicate effectively.

• (OBSERVATION) When I see you _______ or hear you say _________,
• (FEELING) I feel________.
• (NEED) Because I have a need for ______,
• (REQUEST) in the future, it would help if you would ________.

For example, “When I hear you say that you want to help, but then I don’t see you following through on your promise, I feel confused and anxious, because I have a need for clarity and consistency.  In the future, if you say that you’re willing to help out with a particular task, it would mean a lot to me if you would follow through with your actions.”

On the other hand, if your spouse is the one that takes charge of the holidays, be sure to verbally recognize their efforts and offer assistance, even if they seem to have everything under control. Don’t forget to thank them for all they do to make everything fall into place.

Find the Happy in Happy Holidays This Year

Holidays don’t have to be marked by stress and conflict.  Let us help you identify what’s not working and give you some practical steps you can take to make your holiday a happy one. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Mini Intensive. You can also schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.

We’ve all had those moments when we feel like someone is being “too emotional.” But the reality is, without emotions, relationships would simply be a series of transactions. Emotions are what make us feel connected in relationships.  It’s why you fell in love in the first place. Emotions in and of themselves are not bad.  It’s how we react to them that can cause harm.

If you have difficulty understanding and empathizing with your spouse’s emotions, below are some tips on how to listen to your spouse’s feelings.

How To Practice Empathetic Listening

1. Identify What You Are Feeling

Be aware of your own emotional responses. If you want to be attentive to your spouse’s emotions, you need to be aware of your own.  But be very careful not to make this all about your emotions and what you’re feeling. While being mindful of how you’re feeling is important, you may need to put your own emotions and reactions aside for a moment to fully engage in these next few steps.

2.  Be Aware of Your Reactions

If what your spouse is saying makes you feel defensive or angry, remember this:  it’s okay to feel that way, but don’t act on it. The emotions that we are  experiencing are not the problem. It’s the behaviors and words we use as a result of how we feel that can cause serious harm.  So before you react, pause and don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind, as it is very likely that you will cause some damage if you do that. I talk more about how to communicate your feelings in a healthy way in my companion blog “How To Communicate Your Feelings To Your Spouse.”

3.  Listen

Do this without interrupting and without judgment. Do not respond with blaming—this is typically an attempt to bypass responsibility. Avoid jumping to problem-solving mode—this might make your spouse feel like you just want to end the conversation. While this might be exactly what you want, it probably is not what they need from you at that moment.

4.  Practice Assertive Listening

Yes, more listening. But this time you can talk. You might wonder what you should say in that situation. The thing you are trying to be attentive to is your spouse’s emotion. Try asking, “When that happens, how does it make you feel?” Or, “What happened that caused you to feel this way?” Whatever you say, if your spouse detects any amount of contempt or sarcasm in your voice, the conversation might be over before it even gets off the ground, and you’ve lost a chance to connect, so be very careful how you ask things.

5.  Validate

After your spouse tells you what they are feeling and why, name and validate the emotion. Do this without judgment. Your spouse is entitled to feel whatever they are experiencing, even though you may not understand why, and regardless of whether or not you would have the same emotional reaction. Remember that you are validating the emotion; this doesn’t mean you have to validate or accept their behaviors or certain words they may have used. Try saying “I didn’t know that was making you feel [emotion]” or “I’m sorry you felt [emotion] because I did that.” Not only will the person feel more connected to you, but validation helps regulate emotions back to baseline. An emotionally calmer conversation means a more productive conversation.

6.  Repair

Again, a good place to start is by asking questions. For example, you can ask “If that happens again, what do you want me to do instead?” Remain open to suggestions. Do not make promises that you cannot keep but affirm your intention to make changes where you can. Your spouse may not be fully emotionally regulated yet—give them time and space if they need it. Alternatively, your spouse might want reassurance with a hug or your words.  The simple act of thanking them for sharing or reinforcing how much you value your spouse and your relationship can be an important step towards reconnection.

If the struggle to navigate the sea of emotions has become a stumbling block in your relationship, it may be time to seek outside help. We at the Marriage Recovery Center have helped thousands of couples learn how to better understand their mate and their emotions, and we would love to help you as well! Click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to discuss your needs and how to get started.

What Are Your Emotions Trying To Tell You

Emotions are indicator lights, giving us information about situations or relationships. Emotions give our bodies and brains signals for how we should act to keep us safe and help maintain healthy relationships. When someone acknowledges and validates our emotions, they validate our experience. This allows intimacy to grow and helps us to feel safe in relationships. I talk more about empathetic listening in “How To Listen To Your Spouse’s Feelings.” Often when we experience emotions, especially intense negative emotions, we want to do something about them right in that moment. You probably want to go tell your spouse exactly what’s on your mind. Or you might want to engage in numbing activities like excessive alcohol or drugs to avoid what you are feeling. If you are overcome with strong emotions, here are some steps to communicate them in a way that allows you to feel heard and understood.

How to Communicate Your Emotions

Stop. Don’t Do Anything

Remember that emotions don’t cause harm, but what we choose to do or say because of the emotions can be very harmful.

Name and Rate Your Emotions

First, name your emotion. Maybe you can name three or four emotions that you are experiencing all at once. That’s good! While it may be overwhelming and uncomfortable, you have a name for the emotions and that’s a great start. Next, try to rate the intensity of the emotions on a scale of one to ten. Ask yourself, “Does the intensity of the emotion match the situation?” Imagine you feel like falling onto the floor crying or throwing something while screaming. Did you just experience profound grief and loss, like the death of a loved one? Perhaps the intensity fits. Did your spouse just drink from your favorite mug and then leave it out, dirty? Perhaps the intensity of the emotion doesn’t fit the situation.

Regulate

If the intensity of the emotion does not fit, your next goal is to regulate until it does. Don’t tell your spouse what you’re feeling yet. While it is often helpful to journal or talk to yourself about how you’re feeling, in this case, it may only serve to heighten the emotion, and the intensity, by continuing to place it at the center of your attention. Instead, use a healthy distraction or calming activity, like taking a bath or going for a walk while listening to music, until the intensity of the emotion fits the situation.

Request

Now that your emotional intensity matches the situation, you’re ready to talk. Remember, the goal isn’t to get rid of the emotion completely before discussion; the goal is to make sure the intensity fits the situation. Approach your spouse in a calm, confident manner. If you don’t feel calm and confident—fake it. You might just trick your brain and your body into feeling it. Ask if you can share with them. Try saying, “Can I share with you something I’m feeling right now?” If they say no, ask when a better time would be.

Use “I” Statements To Express How You Feel

Now you can get into the meat of it. Tell your spouse how you are feeling. Briefly summarize why you are feeling this way. When you describe the situation, stick to the facts. Do not include your beliefs about the situation or make accusations, demands, or threats. Also, try not to bring up past arguments. Here’s a script you could follow: “I feel [emotion] when [situation].” An example might be “I feel really lonely and unappreciated when you get home and turn on the TV without talking to me first.” You may want to add a statement about what you believe is your spouse’s best intention or a similar goal you have. “I know you care about how I feel,” or “I know we said we were going to work on sharing with each other, so I thought I’d try telling you how I felt today.” It is incredibly difficult to argue with someone who is stating something positive.

Don’t Get Derailed

Be aware of your body language and tone of voice. If you are acting like a prickly porcupine—even if your script is spot on—you’re eliminating opportunity to continue the conversation. Your spouse might try to provide an explanation for their actions. They might even say something mean or blaming. If your goal for this conversation is connection and receiving validation for your emotions, don’t get distracted by what they say. You may even have to ignore some of it.

Take a Break

If you are not receiving the response you hoped for, sometimes taking a break from the conversation is helpful. If you just were verbally attacked or invalidated, your emotions might have just shot back up. Go back and repeat step 3: Regulate.

Connect

You might not receive the exact response you were looking for, but if your spouse seems to be trying, accept it. There’s always room for future improvement. You may need to ask for something specific like, “Will you please remember to rinse out my favorite mug after you use it?” Humor can lighten a tense mood, but remember to keep the sarcasm out. You will likely still be experiencing some degree of uncomfortable emotion, even after the conversation. Focus on something that will allow you to feel opposite emotions… and if it is something that will also make you feel more connected to your spouse—even better! This might be a hug, a joke, or sharing a meal or activity together.

If you’ve tried all of these things but are still struggling to feel heard and understood in your relationship, there may be some deeper, unresolved issues that need to be addressed. Or maybe you’ve been stuck in these negative patterns for so long that you simply need help breaking out of the cycle of destructive communication. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in restoring emotional connection and would love to help you find new ways of relating to your spouse. Take the first step to a better marriage.  Click here to contact our Client Care Team.

So how do we share concerns with our spouse in a way that we are being both completely transparent and loving? In other words, how do we speak the truth in love? While there is no “cookie cutter” recipe, there are basic principles we can learn to apply that will allow us to have fruitful relationships.

If you don’t reveal the problems, they will reveal themselves.

Some of you may be thinking, “I don’t have a problem with being truthful. I don’t lie; I’m honest.” But many times, because we fear confrontation, or because we don’t want to cause trouble, or because we’re afraid that if our real feelings were revealed, the relationship might suffer, we fail to speak the truth. I have counseled with wives who were ready to divorce their husbands. When I’ve asked if they’ve ever talked honestly with him about the problems, they say, “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that! He’d explode!” So, they’d rather divorce him than speak truthfully to him about their problems!

For healing and correction to take place, there must be truthful communication. You can’t deal with a problem you’re not aware of because you deny it; the problem hasn’t been revealed to you; or you simply ignore it. To plaster over our feelings or thoughts and put on a happy face when there is a problem does not foster healthy relationships. In reality, that kind of behavior is more destructive than speaking the truth in love.

I’m not suggesting that a couple be ruthlessly honest in sharing everything. Some things don’t need to be shared. I can’t provide a formula on what not to share (that’s another discussion in itself!). But I will say this: The motive in speaking the truth must not be selfish– to gain the upper hand, to further one’s own happiness, or “just to get it off my chest.” The motive must be to grow in closeness with your mate. The motive should be to help the other person grow towards maturity.  In other words, the motive is selfless love, to seek the highest good of your mate because you care deeply for him or her. With that motive, a couple must learn to lay aside falsehood and speak truth so that conflicts can be resolved.

Sticks and stones may break my bones….

We all know the rest of that saying, but it could not be further from the truth.  Careless words hurt and can cause deep wounds. Proverbs 12:18 states, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” In other words, your tongue can be a sword to wound and kill, or it can be a scalpel to deal carefully with the problem and bring healing.

When speaking the truth, words whose purpose is to wound, not heal, must be put away. Destructive speech that tears down the other person will not resolve conflicts or create closeness with your spouse. There is a proper place for criticism or confrontation, but it should be with the goal of helping, not hurting. A good rule of thumb is, if it’s painful for you to criticize, you’re probably safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, hold your tongue.

We are not just to hold our tongue, however. We are to replace destructive words with constructive words that build up the other person at his/her point of need; and not because he/she deserves it, but because our love is gracious, and thus we are to be gracious in our speech.

Speaking the truth in love requires good timing.

Applying these principles of truthful communication in our relationships also requires us to be sensitive to the timing of sharing. I think of times when my wife and I were first married. We were given the counsel by the pastor who married us to “not let the sun go down upon your anger.” Unfortunately for us, I grabbed ahold of this idea and decided that my wife and I would never go to bed angry. As you can imagine, this was disastrous, and more importantly, I misunderstood the principle.

Much to her credit, my wife responded to this by saying: “you can do whatever you want; but, I’m going to bed!” I was so angry. Some of my longest and hardest runs (I’m a “runner”) were on those nights. I would run so hard and long – usually in one direction – away from home. Do you know what the problem is with running in one direction? You still have to come back! God used these times to really begin working on me. God showed me the real meaning of this scripture – it was MY anger that I needed to give to Him, not OUR anger!

God is certainly willing to show us what we need to do, change, or remind us of those times when we need to be quiet and listen – especially to Him. Sometimes, these quiet times are the most informative in teaching us how to speak the truth in love.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you cannot share your concerns with your spouse either because you fear their reaction, or fear what it will do to the relationship, I invite you to reach out to us.  I would love to have a conversation with you about your struggles, your fears and how I can help you have better communication with your spouse in a way that invites connection.

Click here to schedule a free call with a Client Care Specialist who will help you get started on your journey to a better marriage.

There’s an old saying, “If you love someone, set them free, and if they come back to you, it was meant to be.” I don’t think life is really as fatalistic as that, but there is definitely something to be said for the deeper element of free will. When free will is taken out of the picture, love ceases to be love. If love is coerced, demanded, expected, or required, it ceases to be meaningful and simply serves to benefit one person who is exercising power over the other in some way.

Hear that again. Love ceases to be love when it is not freely chosen.

It is a common belief that separation signals the start of the end. In reality, the end was already well underway, and separation is what is needed is for something to shake up the status quo and interrupt where things are headed. There is much good that comes when both parties get a chance to step back, reevaluate the trajectory of their life both individually and together, and take the time to be intentional about what happens next.  This encapsulates our Healing Together philosophy which is the idea that when both individuals in the relationship take the time to work on themselves first, it is immensely beneficial to the relationship and accelerates the healing process.

A therapeutic separation, when done under proper guidance of a well-devised plan, creates space for each spouse to deeply reflect upon how they are choosing to show up in their world—to shift from living a reactive life to an intentional life.

The kinds of questions you ask yourself will determine the quality and direction of your separation. This isn’t a waiting game; your spouse is done waiting for change. It isn’t a power struggle; it’s already been proven which of you is more powerful. It’s not a free pass to do whatever you want. If you choose any of those options, divorce isn’t that far off.

Instead, ask questions that lead to life:

• Where are my choices leading me? What path am I on? Your destination is determined by your steps, not your intentions or hopes.
• What kind of person am I? Is it congruent with who I know I want to be? Does my true character match my reputation?
• In what ways might I be silencing my spouse? Where am I taking away his or her right to decide who to be and how to show up?
• What do I want my marriage to mean to my spouse and kids? To the people around me? Do I have a mission statement for my marriage?
• What do I need to acknowledge about what I’ve done to damage the relationship and how can I make true amends? Do I need professional help, rehabilitation, or ongoing coaching?
• What is my spouse saying he or she needs for healing? How can I help make room for what they say they need?

If you are at a crossroads, facing a separation, we would love to help you use this opportunity as a powerful time of reflection, growth, and healing. Path of Renewal is designed to help you create a roadmap to bring healing and connection to your marriage, no matter how far beyond hope you think it may be. Contact our Client Care team at (206) 219-0145 or check our website to find out more!

What do you do when you and your spouse disagree on something? When COVID-19 first happened, my husband and I agreed that we would not send our kids back to school if masks were mandatory. Now that our governor has mandated masks be worn at all times, my husband is going back on his word. He wants to send the kids back to public school.

I feel very strongly we should keep them home during Covid-19 and do cyber school, even to the point of applying for 3rd shift jobs. My husband doesn’t want me working third shift now, after I have applied to dozens of jobs in attempt to home school.

I’m angry and bitter at him. I love him, he works hard for his family, but I’m struggling. How do we deal with this conflict? 

A:

What a great question, and one that is being considered by so many families across the country because of Covid-19. I think the most important question to ask when tackling areas of disagreement is this: do you believe that your partner’s opinion is motivated by love and concern?

Make sure this is simply a moment of disagreement, rather than a power play in the relationship or “old business” that is finding its way into the present. If it is just a moment of disagreement, then it may be time for a “hashing it out” conversation.**

The goal of “hashing it out” is cooperative problem solving.  That may seem obvious, but sometimes, in the midst of conflict, we lose sight of that. Instead, the conversation becomes about trying to prove a point or convincing the other person of your argument. 

Cooperative problem solving is about the two of you being on the same page and figuring out what’s best for your family. In this approach, you would each (calmly, without emotion or defensiveness) outline for the other what your reasons are for the solution you favor, along with acknowledging the potential cost of Covid-19 to the child and the family. 

 Then each of you would share your concerns about the other’s solution.  When listening to the other person present their ideas, be sure to remind yourself that they are speaking from a place of conviction that is rooted in love. 

Another strategy that may be helpful is for each of you to present the other person’s solution as though it were your own. Doing this (pretending that you truly believe what the other person is proposing) helps you to better understand your spouse’s perspective and the reasons behind it.

If you still cannot come to an agreement after trying these approaches, then try one solution for a time period, then re-evaluate the situation, with the option of changing course and implementing the alternative solution. 

The reality is that there are dozens of educational and health experts putting out public recommendations which often are at odds with one another.  Many people are struggling with who to trust for accurate information on a subject that we’re still learning about.

The “facts” and strategies change on a regular basis, making the “truth” a moving target.  It’s very frustrating for people who are trying to make the best decisions for themselves and their families during this Covid-19 outbreak. 

 So, this is a time for profound grace—for yourself, your spouse, your neighbor, your school board, and all the folks in charge.  

No one has the perfect solution; we’ve never walked this path before.  So be gentle and understanding with each other.

**All of what I’ve suggested in this article presupposes that your disagreement is just that—a disagreement about a current Covid-19 tense problem.  If there’s something deeper going in your relationship that needs to be examined (unresolved issues from the past or some sort of power struggle) then you’re probably going to need some help sorting through this.

I recommend reaching out to us at the Marriage Recovery Center for some mediation on the issue. Contact our Client Care Team for more information on how we can help.

Do you have a question or concern about your relationship that you’d like us to address? Our Ask Us series answers reader-submitted questions. Submit your own question here and one of our therapists or coaches might address it in an upcoming blog or video.

At its core, emotional abuse is an assault against one’s personhood. The assault is multi-faceted: targeting identity, worth and value; twisting perception of reality; disregarding emotions and lacking empathy; and using anger  as weaponry. This blog is part of a series that covers each of those aspects. I will be focusing on emotional abuse as an assault on identity, value, and worth.

The Assault on Identity, Worth, and Value

With regard to human development, identity refers to the stable, defining characteristics of a person that make them an individual. Having a solid sense of identity requires a thorough understanding of oneself, include one’s own traits, preferences, thought patterns, strengths, and weaknesses. Essentially, it is a construct of who you are and where you are going. Our sense of personal value and the basic values we live by are reflected in our sense of identity.

The assault on identity, value, and worth looks like taking away someone’s right and responsibility to decide who they will be and how they will show up the in the world. In other words, the abuser assumes the authority to define it, and his words trump all others.

The victim’s identity becomes not as a fellow human being, worthy of their own individuality, but essentially as an extension of the abuser. In the case of the husband being the abuser and the wife being the victim, he does all the thinking for her as if she has neither the ability nor the authority to think for herself. He causes her to question her own decisions as well as her ability to decide. He tells her who she is, what she must believe, how to think. The implication is that she can’t figure this out for herself. He knows better than her what “truth” is. He is the measuring stick.

Her value is measured by this same stick. The abuser often sets standards as a fluid target with rare acknowledgment that she’s met them successfully. She is constantly threatened with discard or replacement, both through words and with his wandering eye. Her hurt doesn’t affect him, her concerns are irrelevant to him, and her desire for anything that is different from his desires offends him. The message here is that she has nothing of value to add.

The assault on her worth puts her in a solid category of lesser-than. She’s treated like a child, a servant, and an object. At the end of the day, the message she hears loud and clear is that she is invisible, unknown, and has no influence.

“Know, first, who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly.” – Epictetus

Regaining Your Identity

Part of the healing process entails reestablishing a solid sense of identity. Love requires being known—known in the authentic, transparent, free, unique way God created each individual to be known. When you know who you are, you will reach for the things that lend themselves to a life that reflects your character. And instead of looking for things or people to give you value, value becomes part of your internal sense of self. You bring your value to the table, so to speak.

In the context of a marriage, both spouses must have an honest, healthy sense of self in order to heal together in the relationship. In fact, in most cases, marriage issues aren’t really marriage issues! They are individual issues being played out in the relationship as symptoms. The root causes are within the individuals.

Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we provide a comprehensive series of programs designed to create space for healing for the abuser, the victim, and the marriage. In our Healing Together program, both spouses begin with individual work. When growth is seen and the time is right, we begin couples counseling. If you want to break free from the stronghold of emotional abuse, contact us at (206) 219-0145 and get started on your path to freedom.

If only their spouse could be awakened to the harm and pain and dysfunction! That’s the desperate plea behind the desire to do an intervention. And it’s true that an intervention can be effective in bringing such an awakening. It’s also true that it’s only as effective as the planning and follow-through. In other words, it holds no weight if there isn’t a clear confrontation and an actionable plan to be put into motion immediately following the intervention.

Steps to an Intervention

If you’ve been wondering if an intervention might be the next step for you, these are the important basics to consider beforehand:

1. Identify and clarify your non-negotiables. These are the things you believe must change in order for you to stay engaged in the relationship. What needs to happen? What level of change (i.e. how much?) Exactly, specifically what is it that you are no longer willing to tolerate in your life?

2. Have a clear plan. Take the time to think about where YOU are heading. What are you putting into place in order to intentionally change the trajectory of your life and the state of your health (emotional and otherwise)? What are you asking of your spouse?

3. What are the outcome options? Determine the possible alternative paths, one of which you will take depending upon your spouse’s response to the intervention. What will happen if he or she agrees to the work that needs to be done to salvage the relationship? What will happen if he or she rejects the invitation to change? Be ready to put either plan into motion.

4. Involve witnesses. This is a safety feature, as well as accountability. Think about who you could have present to provide a witness to the interaction, lend safety to the situation, and possibly influence the outcome. Whose presence could help bolster your confidence in saying what needed to be said and following through?

5. Have a safety plan in place. Be ready (and give yourself permission) to disengage and get to safety if necessary. This could mean preparing your witnesses to step in, if willing and able. It might mean having a bag packed in the car and the car keys in your pocket. It might mean having the police on speed dial.

6. Have a professional trained in navigating emotional abuse help you plan the intervention and navigate the ensuing process. If your spouse is used to using fear and intimidation to keep doing what they’ve always done, you can expect him or her to respond with those same tactics. Having someone trained to recognize the impact of powering-over within relationships can be a huge source of encouragement and direction for you. They can provide on-going assistance to stay focused, grounded, and intentional in your growth and, hopefully, reconnection.

Mean What You Say

When it comes to an intervention, it is imperative that you say what you mean and mean what you say. This is an ultimatum! You are drawing a line in the sand and taking responsibility for your own part in becoming healthy. As much as we hope the intervention will awaken them to take the same responsibility in a positive, growth-oriented direction, you will need to be prepared to follow through if they do not. Otherwise, all this effort will boil down to simply another fight that ended nowhere.

We would love to help you avoid that! We’ve created an Intervention Planning Intensive to specifically help you walk through the steps listed above. If you’d like more information about this, or want to get signed up, please contact our Client Care Team here or call (206) 219-0145.

Genesis 3: 9-12 records that as the snake engaged Eve in conversation, Adam was present, witnessing the exchange. As we all know, the outcome of Eve’s encounter with Satan was that she believed his lie, acted against the instructions God had given them, and invited Adam into the same sin. Adam then made the same choice as Eve. When God confronted the pair, Adam blamed Eve for his choice and indirectly blamed God (“the woman You gave me”), while Eve blamed the serpent for his deception. In the end, both Adam and Eve sinned against God, but also against one another in very specific ways.

What Adam Learns from Eve’s Behavior

Consider how Adam was wounded in the garden. Eve has made a terrible choice—one that will cost her both her life and home. And now it is Adam’s turn to choose: his marriage and the companionship of Eve or his place in Eden. He chooses the woman. The woman who has put him in this position by her bad judgment and the use of her influence with him. We know that Adam implies that Eve is responsible for his downfall. His statement reveals one of two possibilities:

• He knew that his choice was not Eve’s fault (she was not holding a gun to his head) but chose to blameshift as a way of not dealing with his own part in what happened.

OR

• He actually held Eve responsible for the choice he made.

If the latter is true, then several negative beliefs/consequences would have entered Adam’s heart from wounding, and it is these beliefs that were passed down to every son of Adam since.

• Eve (women) will hurt you, betray you, and lead you into ruin.
• Eve was not a good thing and God is to blame for giving her to him.
• These beliefs create suspicion of Eve and lead to viewing her as manipulative and as an enemy.
• They also create suspicion of love and lead to hesitancy to reveal oneself, the slowness to commit, and the belief that relationships are more costly than they’re worth.
• These thoughts create hostility between them—a “sleeping with the enemy” scenario wherein Adam believes that loving Eve will make him vulnerable to acting in ways he normally wouldn’t, acting to his own detriment.

So men, my question for you is whether you’re able to identify any of these same beliefs and practices in your own heart. If so, what is the fruit of that in your marriage now? What are your core beliefs about women in general and your wife in particular? To what degree do you hold back your heart out of fear of the cost? Do you have difficulty trusting that your wife is for you and not against you?

What Eve Learns from Adam’s Behavior

Eve was wounded in the garden because of Adam’s passivity. He watched the serpent confront her and listened to the smooth lies and manipulation that were spun. And he did nothing. Eve’s takeaway from Adam’s failure to rise up and intervene in the encounter with Satan include:

• Adam (men) will passively stand by rather than act to protect you. This creates suspicion towards Adam and results in self-protective and/or controlling behavior. Many women don’t trust men to take care of things, to take care of them. This creates nagging, over-responsibility, and falsely independent behavior.
• Adam will blame you for decisions that he makes (e.g. she made me do it)
• Adam will see you as a good thing only up to the point that you make a mistake or cost him something. This produces the phenomenon where women work hard at keeping men because they fear the loss of his affection if they have flaws or if they cost him too much.

Women, do you see yourselves anywhere in this? What do you believe about men in general and your husband in particular? Will he come through for you? What sort of self-protective measures are you taking if you believe that he won’t? To what degree do you fear abandonment, and how does that fear drive your behavior?

Your Marriage Can be Repaired!

What was broken in Eden’s fall can be repaired. Men and women can be restored to one another. Marriages can flourish in love and trust, partnership and companionship. It takes work and a willingness to examine ourselves and our relationships in order to root out the wounding that was done all those generations ago. And we, here at the Marriage Recovery Center, are here to help. We invite you into healing and having a marriage that is worth having. To learn more contact our Client Care Team here.