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Why do we call it covert abuse? Because it’s subtle. And it usually happens behind closed doors. The perpetrator is often a well-liked and respected leader in the community who presents one persona in public and a very different one in private. Covert abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises or marks, so this form of violence often goes undetected, even by friends and family members who are close to the victim.
What does covert abuse look like? It takes the form of constantly blaming, criticizing, accusing, telling the other person that they’re wrong, scoffing at them, scolding them, and, essentially, diminishing what the other person thinks and feels. It can also be in the form of pouting, withdrawing, and withholding love. Now you may think, what real harm can that cause? I would say there is tremendous harm caused by these actions! It’s not easy to understand the debilitating impact of cognitive dissonance – the result when someone says they love you yet constantly criticizes you and makes you feel worthless. Can you imagine the inner chaos that creates?
Any attempt to share this information with friends, family members, and even pastors, leaves victims of emotional abuse feeling dismissed, blamed, and completely isolated. They’re often told that they’re making too much of things, that they just need to pray about it, or they’re given books to learn what they can do to be a better spouse and make things better. For victims of covert emotional abuse, the result is confusion, isolation, a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety, and physical symptoms resembling PTSD.
So, if you can relate to any of these things, the first thing you must do is to get honest with yourself. In order to heal, you must first name the problem for what it is. The truth will hurt, but it will set you free.
Here are some ways to know if you are in a relationship with a covert abuser.
Do any of these traits sound like you or your partner? If you feel like you’ve been stumbling along a dark path and every sign along the way only seems to lead to more confusion, give us a call. We can help you make sense of what’s happening and gain clarity on how to find your way out of the mess and move forward in your healing. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Marriage Evaluation. You can also click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.
]]>Unfortunately, for many couples, one of the reasons they are in a crisis is because they waited too long to get help. Consider Tim, a man whose wife left him after he had ignored her numerous requests for them to go to marriage counseling. Now it appeared to him that she was gone for good. He was panicked and was having a hard time sleeping and focusing on his work. He was in a crisis.
I agreed to work with Tim and helped him take some immediate actions to stabilize his life, as well as some actions he might take to possibly save his marriage. We also talked about what he could do to maintain perspective and hope in the face of a seemingly hopeless situation. Tim’s story is a common one. He had been given numerous warnings to change, which he dismissed. His wife had asked to go to counseling which he had ignored, saying he thought they could handle their own problems. Out of desperation she had left and indicated she did not want any contact. It is very tempting in such a crisis to make a number of mistakes in an attempt to stabilize a troubling situation.
Here is my advice for what to do if you find yourself in a crisis like Tim:
First, be careful not to overreact. Our emotions run wild when facing a crisis. Our brain screams DANGER. We tend to panic and in our panic-driven state don’t think clearly. We think all or nothing, black and white and catastrophe. We must, as we work to calm ourselves, remind ourselves to try not to overreact and realize the storm will pass. Things always become clearer in time. It is best to pause, spend time quietly considering our situation and not make any sudden decisions.
Second, try to maintain a sense of normalcy. Yes, I know this sounds impossible, but eating well, good sleep and exercise are critical to your emotional health and will help you to make better decisions. Continue to go to work and all the other aspects of your life. As distracted as you are by your crisis, and as much as you want to do everything and anything to fix the situation, do all the activities that have brought you comfort in the past.
Third, get immediate support and seek out wise counsel. You need lots of support during a crisis. Don’t make the mistake of believing you are bothering people by asking for support. True friends will be happy you have reached out to them and are willing to listen to your story and offer hope which is desperately needed. Be very careful, however, not to use this opportunity to malign your mate or make it appear you are the “right” one in the situation.
Fourth, get professional counseling. As vital as it is to have the support of friends, they can’t replace professional, unbiased help. Find an experienced marriage counselor that will help you understand the actions that led up to the crisis, but also help you discover hope in the midst of the crisis.
Fifth, discover the critical message in the crisis. A crisis, for as horrific as it is, can be the best time to discover more about yourself and your marriage. Consider the reasons your mate took the actions they did. Why has this crisis occurred? What do you need to learn from this situation? Be brutally honest with yourself and begin the process of change and growth;
Finally, ask what God can teach you in the crisis. You are not alone in your crisis. God is in the mix with you and wants to teach you things about yourself and His will for your life. He wants to mold you into his image and cares deeply for you. Spend time in prayer and meditation, reflecting on Scriptures that offer hope and healing. Are you facing a crisis? Consider the opportunity in the crisis and what you can learn from it. If you need help right now, we are here for you. Please contact us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to get immediate help, or schedule a free call with a Client Care Specialist here.
]]>Sandra and Tom came to The Marriage Recovery Center after years of trying short stints of marriage counseling. They had done what many couples do: reach a crisis point in their marriage, seek short term help, and drop out of counseling, only to repeat the pattern a few years later.
“I always thought that coping with my marriage problems was a sign of strength,” the weary, 43 year old mother of three told me. “I could always find the strength to keep plowing forward, even though my marriage problems remained unchanged.”
“You went to counseling at times, right?” I asked.
“Yes, but each time we only went for a few sessions. Our schedules got in the way and I think Tom became uncomfortable when he was confronted. So, I adapted to our situation, telling myself it wasn’t all that bad.”
“Was that really the truth?” I said, looking firmly at Sandra.
She paused, letting the magnitude of the problem sink in. “Yes and no,” she said. Again, she paused and looked at her husband, who was sitting and listening to her patiently. “I think I found ways to explain our problems away. I told myself that all couples go through tough times. I told myself that things were not as bad as they were. I told myself that if I pushed Tom he would leave me, and I really didn’t want that.”
“Yes,” I said. “Many couples endure really bad times and tell themselves it is not so bad. That’s called denial: Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying to myself. We all endure lots of pain to keep things going just the way they are. We cope, adapt and accommodate, all the while killing ourselves and our marriages, and tell ourselves we are doing something good. This all prevents real change.”
Scripture tells us that the truth will set us free. (John 8:32) It is actually facing the truth and applying it to our lives that will set us free.
I then asked Sandra and Tom to do something that is often quite painful. I asked them to write out all the ways they adapted to their difficult marriage. I asked them to write all the ways they told themselves things were not as bad as they were. What forms of denial did they use to keep things stable in their marriage? Asking these questions can help to determine if you are being truthful with yourself and, subsequently, what can be done to honestly face your challenges and overcome them.
First, be completely honest with yourself about your situation. As you consider your situation, are you fiercely candid with yourself? You cannot change what you do not own. You cannot change something if you don’t see the situation realistically. Write down the way things are. Talk to a friend about the facts of your situation.
Second, determine if you have been coping, adapting or accommodating. Write down the ways you have been coping and note the impact this coping has had on you. Explore why you have been coping instead of facing issues candidly. Again, honesty is critical.
Third, face your fears of telling yourself the truth. If you have been accommodating out of fear, acknowledge this to yourself, and perhaps a trusted friend or counselor. Take inventory on the impact this is having on you and your relationships. Acknowledge that accommodating out of fear keeps you trapped and reinforces a weakness in another.
Fourth, choose to act with integrity and honesty. Set out to interact in a healthier, clearer, and more honest manner. From your clear, calm, compassionate self, let your feelings inform you, not control you. As you listen to your feelings and discern a better course of action, you can address the problems with honesty. Every time you do this you will strengthen your inner self and will stop enabling a destructive process. Denial falls away and truth emerges.
Finally, stay the course. Perfect practice makes perfect. As you set out on this journey you will rediscover lost parts of yourself. As you stop adapting and accommodating others, you will come to know yourself better and have healthier, more honest relationships. You will find your relationships becoming more vibrant, alive, and filled with respect and integrity. From this new position, you will have more self-respect and will be better able to respect others.
Do you really want to be healed? Are you ready to give up harmful actions? If you would like our professional support, please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.
]]>No, seriously. Marriage is the absolutely best place to grow. I know some of you may think I’ve lost my mind. “Marriage,” you say, “is the last place I grow. It’s the place I cope, struggle, work to recover from.”
I understand that. But let’s begin with a quiz. Just give the first answer that comes to your mind.
While some may waffle a bit with their answers, most will answer with one person: their mate. Even in the worst of relational times, we long to be understood and accepted by our mate. When the chips are down, we want encouragement from our mate. When we feel the most insecure, we often want healing counsel from our mate.
But wait a minute. Isn’t your mate the one person on Earth you’re most likely to argue with? Aren’t they the one you may feel most vulnerable with during times of intense conflict? Isn’t your mate the person with whom you often don’t want to share your darkest secrets?
In spite of these questions, I have great news. Our mate is THE person God has given us to be a helpmate. A ‘helpmate,’ according to God, is a person able to speak into, and even bring healing to, our most vulnerable and wounded areas. More than any other person on the planet, your mate has the potential to bring healing through your relationship with him or her.
Shortly after God created the heavens and the earth, he placed man in the garden he created. While the garden was beautiful and abundant in every way, something was missing. God declared, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Although enjoying the garden, I can imagine Adam being pretty excited about this new addition to creation.
The historical record is clear—humankind would not always live in harmony. They would struggle and battle with each other. They would hurt one another. Still, God’s goal for man and wife was that they would help each other, defer to each other in love, and build each other up. Marriage was the place designed for great things to happen. So, in spite of the challenges you face, marriage is still an excellent place to grow. Consider the following:
the place we cultivate transparency. Marriage may be a place we put down the heavy weight of our façade. No false persona and trying to be more than we are. This transparency has been proven to be an antidote to life’s stresses. Your mate may offer the opportunity to be fully known, understood, and accepted, and this is powerfully healing. Marriage can be:
No matter your circumstances (and I want to be clear that I never encourage tolerating abuse), might it be possible to view your challenges in a different way? Might your marriage be just the place, at least for now, to gain awareness of your strengths and weaknesses, and to grow? Seeing the mirror in your marriage puts an entirely new spin on marriage and the inherent advantages of married life, seeing your marriage as a place of opportunity, which it certainly can be.
If you want help getting your marriage to a place of encouragement and growth, we’re here for you! Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.
]]>“What happened?” I asked.
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” he continued. “My wife reminded me of something she wanted me to do for her and I forgot all about it. Big mistake.”
“But, was it a ‘mistake?’” I asked. “Or was this the kind of ‘mistake’ you make on a regular basis?”
“Well,” he continued sheepishly, “it is something she has called me on a number of times before. It’s a pattern, I suppose. I just can’t seem to help it.”
“So, it’s not really fair to call it a ‘mistake,’ but rather a pattern of behavior,” I said. “And, I don’t agree that you can’t seem to help it. I think this is an issue of focus and responsibility.”
Every day I hear about a new incident that has set a person back in their efforts toward healing their marriage. These incidents are often described in ways that minimize the severity of the actions. I’ve heard them called ‘mistakes,’ ‘hiccoughs,’ ‘missteps’ and ‘forgetfulness.’
As you might imagine, if one calls these patterns of behavior ‘missteps, accidents, or mistakes,’ they distance themselves from responsibility and the problem is very likely to recur. Furthermore, if responsibility is placed outside of themselves, they are not likely to change. If a person firmly believes their troubled behavior is ‘an accident,’ (which is denial) and they are appropriately confronted, they are likely to become defensive and angry, blaming their mate for the problem.
Can you see how troubled behavior becomes even more entrenched? Can you see the ‘craziness’ that erupts from these defensive, distancing maneuvers? What could be handled quickly and efficiently with responsibility and change, becomes an even larger nightmare.
That said, we know that growth is not a straight line. It’s filled with hits and misses. However, if we pay attention, and are fully responsible, we use the misses for growth. But, we must be deliberate about it. We must do ‘inner work’ on each and every miss and take full responsibility for growth and change. This requires intense focus and daily work. It demands that we are critical about our patterns of behavior and completely open to hearing about the impact of our behavior on others. We must ‘root out’ the problem behavior, which is usually fueled by troubled thinking, and clean up our lives.
We have developed a worksheet to guide you through a process of turning a ‘failure’ into a success—an AFGO—Another Fortunate Growth Opportunity. This requires sitting back and reflecting on your situation, delving deeply into your patterned behavior, taking full ownership of your problems and seeking new thinking and new behavior.
Using this formula again and again, bringing your work to individual and group counseling, gives you an incredible opportunity for growth. When you ‘grow up’ and face your problem-thinking and troubled, immature behavior, you strengthen your self-esteem and are likely to be further esteemed by others.
We at The Marriage Recovery Center are anxious to discuss your AFGO’s with you. We will help you delve deeply into these self-defeating patterns of behavior and help you advance your work toward healing your marriage. Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.
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I often hear women say, “I don’t feel safe or heard in my marriage.” When I ask them to explain, sometimes it’s hard for them to articulate what is happening. Why is that? Because a victim of emotional abuse has been told repeatedly that they are the problem, that they are making up their concerns, that they are the perpetrators of abuse.
Over time, repeatedly occurring emotional abuse leaves the victim feeling confused, unsafe, and alone. While physical abuse leaves visible marks, emotional abuse leaves emotional scars that no one can see. This invisible aspect makes it all the more difficult for victims to recognize and speak out about the abuse.
This is the first of a series of articles in which we will discuss in much more detail three aspects of emotional abuse and its impact on the victim. We’re going to explore why perpetrators of abuse often lack empathy and how this lack of empathy, along with overt and covert abusive behaviors, causes victims to feel unsafe and unheard. We’ll discuss how victims are slowly stripped of their identity and sense of value.
These are the three aspects of emotional abuse the series will cover:
Focusing on these central aspects of emotional abuse, you will have a greater understanding of this hidden problem and feel empowered to seek change. We cannot heal from something unless we name it, own it, and set upon a clear path of healing.
We at The Marriage Recovery Center have developed a comprehensive path of healing for individuals and couples whose marriages are impacted by narcissistic and emotional abuse. Based on our Healing Together philosophy, men learn to recognize and dismantle their abusive behaviors in a program called The Core, while the women go on their own healing journey in a corollary program called Redeemed. Finally, when appropriate, we bring couples together for intensive couples counseling.
To get started on your path to healing contact our Client Care Team at (206) 219-0145 or frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com.
]]>I consider myself a seasoned marriage counselor. And, while I feel excited at the prospect of helping each new couple and working through the challenge ahead, high-conflict couples can sometimes strain my capabilities.
Highly conflicted couples are often engaged in intense power struggles, each trying to get something from their mate, yet doing so in ways that exacerbate the problem. They demand, blame, punish, and coerce, hardly noticing their actions are adding fuel to an inferno. These are self-defeating traits that must be highlighted in counseling.
Fortunately, skills that will help can be learned. Author and psychologist Marshall Rosenberg wrote in his book, Nonviolent Communication, that highly conflicted couples are trapped in power struggles with one another, using “life-alienating language” filled with judgments about rightness and wrongness, goodness and badness. He discovered that couples who try to control each other often end up in conflict, whereas couples who accept one another are much more likely to connect.
Below are some common characteristics of high-conflict couples. While this may appear to be bad news, recognizing these traits can actually bring hope if the couple is willing to learn how to let go of these attitudes and behaviors that serve, ultimately, to create even more conflict and disconnection.
Many couples who come to The Marriage Recovery Center have been in counseling before. They tell us they have tried counseling (sometimes with multiple counselors,) but became disappointed and discontinued.
Choosing a counselor you trust is critically important to this process. If you are considering doing marriage counseling, make sure your counselor is trained in, and has experience with, high-conflict couples. Working with highly conflicted couples is a unique skill and requires a certain temperament. It is important that your counselor be comfortable in helping unravel the dynamics taking place and can offer specific guidance and skills to live compassionately with one another.
Successful intervention and treatment will begin with the assessment that both individuals are emotionally capable and willing to participate in the rigors of couples counseling. They need to both be able to take responsibility for their part in the problems and gain emotional balance and strength. A skilled marriage counselor will help the high-conflict couple to identify the issues fueling the fires of conflict, as well as assist them in connecting and gaining expertise in communicating effectively. The skilled marriage counselor teaches communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as tools for managing emotion and putting issues in perspective in order to cultivate positive intimacy.
If you are ready for this type of marriage counseling, and willing to put in the time and effort, we would love to work with you! Please contact our Client Care Team for more information on our therapists and coaches, as well as our programs.
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Anger is often considered a secondary emotion, meaning we typically resort to anger in order to protect us from more vulnerable feelings. What we don’t realize is that these more vulnerable feelings, if connected to needs, lead to compassion for ourselves from both ourselves and others.
According to Paul Ekman’s research about the “Atlas of Emotions,” anger is one of six basic emotions, along with disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. Learning to recognize anger not only as a basic emotion, but as a protector of more vulnerable emotions, is critically important.
It is important to allow ourselves to feel anger because this usually suggests that something of value to us is being violated. Anger is often a signal to us that we need to attend to something, remedy something that has gone wrong. However, it is, perhaps, even more important to look below the anger to see if we might discover hurt, sadness, or some other “vulnerable” feeling. Connecting our feelings to our needs often leads to compassion from others, whereas anger is often off-putting and distancing.
Anger management, then, is really anger recognition and the discovery of our other, less discussed and recognized feelings. Becoming more vulnerable with others is a powerful way to connect to them as well as to ourselves.
Are you interested in learning more about why you’re so angry? Do you want to figure out what is going on underneath that anger and how to overcome the unhealthy behaviors associated with anger? The Marriage Recovery Center has created a program for just this purpose!
]]>With so much press saying a woman should “run as fast as she can” if she has experienced narcissistic or emotional abuse, it is understandable to wonder about a perpetrator and victim of abuse healing together.
In our study of how to best help victims and perpetrators of emotional violence, we have noticed a troubling tendency for victims to receive treatment while perpetrators rarely receive the in-depth counseling they need. Furthermore, victims are often treated by one therapist, in one location, while the perpetrator, if he receives counseling at all, is seen by a different counselor in a different location, with counselors often not working collaboratively.
In our experience, a high percentage of those who have been victimized by narcissistic and emotional abuse will remain in relationship with the perpetrator. This is worrisome when you consider he will likely not have received depth counseling, leaving her vulnerable to the subtleties of covert abuse. While this is a devastating scenario, counsel to “run as fast as you can” remains questionable. Many women will not leave, even if encouraged to do so. Consider the following factors:
Certainly, we dare not encourage any woman to stay in an abusive situation! We cannot enable this serious dysfunction. We must be wise in how we approach this problem and offer concurrent healing programs only when it is safe to do so.
Remember that covert emotional abuse is often subtle or, at a minimum, hidden from public view. Charming and manipulative, his abuse of power and control, passive-aggression, pervasive criticism, and angry outbursts will likely not be seen by friends, family, or even many professionals, leading to “secondary abuse” by these people. These character issues are destructive, learned behaviors and cannot be easily treated. Without proper intervention, the victim remains vulnerable to ongoing narcissistic and emotional abuse.
We have found that an Intervention is typically necessary to instigate motivation for change. We have made the following observations:
With utmost caution and wisdom, we believe narcissistic and emotionally abusive men and their victims can sometimes be treated simultaneously. We have developed comprehensive programs to do that. We have a 14-week program for abusive men called The Core, which emphasizes taking responsibility for their abusive behavior and creating lasting change, and a concurrent program for victimized women called Redeemed, which focuses on their own healing and building boundaries. We also strongly encourage ongoing, depth counseling for the man, often including a two-day Personal Intensive, as well as ongoing support for the woman. We carefully assess when/if couples counseling is appropriate, never recommending couples work when ill-advised. When appropriate, we offer couples counseling where healing continues.
We are mindful of the challenge of helping couples in these most difficult situations. First and foremost, we’re careful to emphasize stopping the narcissistic and emotional abuse. We offer women support and work to help them recover from long-term abuse, doing everything we can to ensure their ongoing safety. Depth counseling for the perpetrator of abuse is diligently provided, taking great care to repeatedly confront him and hold him accountable for real change. With motivation, proper counsel and Godly wisdom, we have seen many instances of couples healing together.
If you’re wondering if our Healing Together program might be right for you, we’re here to help you make that decision! We offer a 3-hour Marriage Evaluation Package, which includes one individual session for each spouse and one joint session. This will help us get a well-rounded view of your relationship and help you determine what the best next steps are for you and your spouse. Please give our Client Care Team a call at (206) 219-0145; we’d love to help you get started on your healing journey!
Three 1-hour sessions let our counselors help you identify the underlying issues and create a plan for healing your marriage. To learn more about the program or to register, contact our Client Care Team.
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Terry and Stephen are in that situation, both feeling helpless and hopeless. Both blame the other for their marriage problems, yet both also sense that someone needs to come in and guide them along a path of healing.
Married for fifteen years with two young children in the home, they have been fighting off and on for the duration of their marriage. Like many others who reach out to me for help, they have been to counseling several times with little change.
Terry has reached a breaking point. She decided to separate in the hopes that she could “catch her breath.” She wants more than that, of course. She wants to break free of the incessant bickering and determine a healthier direction for their marriage.
Terry and Stephen are normal. They are typical of most couples struggling to find direction. Both feel discouraged and desperate to find answers, yet the opinions they’ve received from pastors, marriage counselors, physicians, and friends are confusing to them. The direction they’ve received is conflicting and unclear. Furthermore, both have the sense that no one has really looked into the inner workings of their marriage and named the problems and severity of them.
Terry and Stephen are now separated and I am consulting both of them individually. Terry refuses to enter back into marriage counseling and Stephen feels desperate to save their marriage. Terry wants time to reflect and consider her options.
“We’ve tried counseling,” Terry told me in a phone consultation. “No one can tell me exactly what to do. All I know is that we aren’t making any progress and I can’t live that way any longer.”
“What guidance have you been given?” I asked.
“I’ve been told a lot of different things,” she said. “My girlfriends support me and my parents tell me I shouldn’t have to live this way, but there is really no one who has stepped in to guide me.”
In talking to Stephen, he has much the same story. “She is intent on separation, and I don’t know exactly what I need to do to save our marriage. I’m willing to do anything, but she will no longer talk to me. She wants space, so all I can do is wait.”
“But waiting alone won’t save your marriage, Stephen,” I said. “There are problems in your marriage that need attention. Waiting is very unlikely to bring clarity and direction.”
In separate conversations with Stephen and Terry, I recommended the Therapeutic Healing Process. I described to them the following scenario:
“I will meet with you both for several hours, taking a thorough history and arriving at a conclusion as to what you each bring to the marriage problems. I will listen to you share what you believe you do to sabotage intimacy as well as what you believe your mate does that creates problems. I will bring my expertise to bear on what I hear and what I believe needs to happen. Then we will gather for the purpose of healing those wounds and learning to speak to each other in a healthy manner. After several individual and couples’ sessions, utilizing new skills, you both will be in a better position to decide how you want to proceed. At the least, we will have a clear direction for your marriage, and at the most, we will have direction and healing for the wounds created in your marriage.”
As I talked to Terry and Stephen, I reminded them of the Biblical truths we had to follow. “Solomon nailed it,” I said, “when he said there are seven things the Lord hates. I’d like to suggest these seven things be avoided at all costs: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” (Proverbs 6: 16-19)
Both agreed that these truths would be a backdrop to our work. Terry was particularly cautious but willing to proceed. “We’ve haven’t really had that kind of direction,” she shared anxiously. “I don’t want to fight with him anymore. I can’t take it. I’m willing to give this a try.”
“There will be no fighting, Terry,” I said. “Our sessions will be highly structured and you both will agree to be prayerful and listen to each other.”
Stephen was hopeful and wanted to proceed. If you would like to begin the Therapeutic Healing Process or have any questions about The Marriage Recovery Center, please contact our Client Care Team.
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