My husband has narcissistic personality traits and has been told by a pastor that he is actually on the disorder side of the spectrum. I am working with multiple elders and my adult children to set up an intervention. We have been married 32+ years and he is poised to walk away rather than have a family meeting to talk things through. Things have gotten exponentially worse the last 6 months because he started totally secluding himself.

We are both Christians who don’t believe in divorce, but I realize I have to take a stand for change because he has always been staunchly against outside help, saying if I would be the wife I should be, we would have no problems! What are some angles we can use to get him to an intervention?

A:

Because it sounds like he has historically been opposed to counsel or help, you may not be able to “get him” to an intervention. In this case, you will have to “bring” the intervention to him. Your plan will probably have to be launched as a surprise, rather than an agreed-upon meeting.

Totally secluding oneself is akin to divorce. It is abandonment and neglect of the relationship. There is little left when the only difference in your relationship is a judge’s signature on the certificate of marriage vs. the certificate of divorce. In other words, it is a divorce of the relationship of the marriage without the divorce of the institution of the marriage.

If it is true that he does not believe in divorce, this could be the first point to bring up to express the gravity of the situation and hopefully get his attention. Because you are right, taking a stand is the only way to bring change to the status quo.

Purpose of an Intervention

The purpose of an intervention is to provide an unmistakable confrontation of destructive behavior in a context in which the person responsible cannot avoid seeing the results of their behavior.

In your case, it would be to paint a very clear picture that a relationship is more important to you than the institution of marriage. You are no longer willing to simply be married in name only, and you require that specific behavioral dynamics change so connection can happen. The element of surprise will make it difficult to ignore, deflect, deny, and excuse.

An intervention is intentional and strategic. That means there must be thoughtful planning and a commitment to see the process through. You will need to have a clear definition of what it is you can no longer tolerate, and identify the ways you will no longer enable the destructive patterns, including what boundaries you’ll employ to stay grounded, sane, and safe.

It is important to be lay out the options you’ve decided on based upon the response to the intervention, including a safety plan in case things go awry. The goal will be to invite him into a change process that will result in a better relationship. It helps immensely to have Godly counsel, a skilled facilitator, and people in your corner to help you see your way through, too.

Practical Steps to an Intervention

Here are the practical steps to an intervention:

·       Prepare by reflecting on, and writing out, what it’s been like to be married to your spouse. Look at what you’ve lost and how you’ve been changed along the way. Who have you become? What part of you needs to be recovered?

·       Identify what specific behaviors you will no longer tolerate and the changes you want. For example, isolation and refusing to have collaborative conversations will not create a connected relationship. In this case, the change you’d request is that the two of you agree on the rules of engagement needed to enable meaningful conversations that end in healthy resolutions.

·       Identify and implement boundaries that will keep you grounded, able to think clearly, and stay congruent with who you want to be. Also identify the consequences that will occur when those boundaries are crossed, and be ready to carry them out. For example, if he always acts out during car rides because he knows you’re a captive audience, drive separate cars even if you are going to the same destination.

·       Consult with Godly, wise counsel and a qualified facilitator in order to identify the level of intervention needed, and to make an appropriate plan. In other words, will this be a simple confrontation, or will it require a separation plan, a full team of people who regularly stay involved to provide accountability and mentoring, and potential legal action of some sort?

·       Carry out the intervention. When you’ve done the background work above, decide on a time to confront him. Make sure you have a witness present, and present him with your concerns, your requests for change, and the options you’re prepared to follow through on. Invite your spouse to join you in coming up with a collaborative solution.

·       Require that your spouse be involved in follow-up deep counseling to change his or her destructive behavior.

If you present this crossroad to your spouse, you’ll also need to be ready for whatever comes of it. While our goal is to bring about a breakthrough which ends his or her overwhelming behavior, there is a chance that hard-heartedness may still get in the way. Present your case and wait to see what comes of it.

It may not end the way you hope, but at least you’ll know who your spouse really is where the rubber meets the road. No more guessing, no more carrying the weight of trying to make him or her change. Whichever way your spouse chooses to go, you still get to begin your healing journey based upon a foundation of truth.

We have counselors on staff who specialize in intervention planning and would love to help you. We offer an Intervention Planning Intensive to work through the practical steps of the intervention. Contact our Client Care Team to learn more.Do you have a question or concern about your relationship that you’d like us to address? Our Ask Us series answers reader-submitted questions. Submit your own question here and one of our therapists or coaches might address it in an upcoming blog or video.

What is Covert Abuse?

Why do we call it covert abuse? Because it’s subtle. And it usually happens behind closed doors. The perpetrator is often a well-liked and respected leader in the community who presents one persona in public and a very different one in private. Covert abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises or marks, so this form of violence often goes undetected, even by friends and family members who are close to the victim.

What does covert abuse look like? It takes the form of constantly blaming, criticizing, accusing, telling the other person that they’re wrong, scoffing at them, scolding them, and, essentially, diminishing what the other person thinks and feels. It can also be in the form of pouting, withdrawing, and withholding love. Now you may think, what real harm can that cause? I would say there is tremendous harm caused by these actions! It’s not easy to understand the debilitating impact of cognitive dissonance – the result when someone says they love you yet constantly criticizes you and makes you feel worthless. Can you imagine the inner chaos that creates?

Any attempt to share this information with friends, family members, and even pastors, leaves victims of emotional abuse feeling dismissed, blamed, and completely isolated. They’re often told that they’re making too much of things, that they just need to pray about it, or they’re given books to learn what they can do to be a better spouse and make things better. For victims of covert emotional abuse, the result is confusion, isolation, a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety, and physical symptoms resembling PTSD.

So, if you can relate to any of these things, the first thing you must do is to get  honest with yourself.  In order to heal, you must first name the problem for what it is. The truth will hurt, but it will set you free.

8 Examples of Covert Abuse

Here are some ways to know if you are in a relationship with a covert abuser.

• Constant criticism and humiliation: Nothing you do is good enough for him or her.
• Overt and covert control: Everything must be done the way he or she wants.
• Taking themselves too seriously: Even the slightest affront becomes trouble for you.
• Name calling/rage reactions: When challenged or frustrated, his or her inner six-year-old comes out and throws a tantrum.
• Emotional Distance: When hurt, he or she will punish you by withdrawing/stonewalling.
• Playing the victim: Whatever problem you have, his or hers is bigger and worse.
• Viewing you as an extension of himself/herself: He or she cannot/will not see you as an individual. You are an extension of his or her wants and desires.
• Subtle or overt threats: Failure to conform leads to threats to your emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical safety. 

Do any of these traits sound like you or your partner? If you feel like you’ve been stumbling along a dark path and every sign along the way only seems to lead to more confusion, give us a call. We can help you make sense of what’s happening and gain clarity on how to find your way out of the mess and move forward in your healing. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Marriage Evaluation. You can also click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.

It may be that you’re not feeling hopeful or confident that this new year will be any different from the last, especially when the last was compounded by the uncertainty between the pandemic and political unrest. You’re tired of hoping for change and connection. Your life has been reduced to a series of survival attempts from one day to the next. There comes a day when the reality of that either destroys you or awakens a fierce anger in you or maybe both.

A New You for the New Year

Listen to your heart.

What do you do when this is your story? How do you find life again? How do you grasp hope? Where do you even begin to attempt to write a different story? It begins with imagination and vision. Imagine an awakening that gives birth to determination to break free of the imprisonment in which you’ve been living. Now imagine that you have the capacity to carry out that feat. It is possible!

I’ve found that it helps many people to be able to name their experience. If narcissistic abuse is part of your story, the name for your experience is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. This label captures everything you’re feeling as the result of the trauma of living under intense stress and oppression from a narcissist. The label doesn’t define you, but it is meant to serve as a launching point for how to find healing. The path often begins with learning to listen to your heart again and believing that what it says is valuable.

Depending on how deeply you’ve been wounded, it may take a long time to hear and trust yourself. Maybe a good place to start is simply to name how you’ve been harmed and give yourself permission to feel the hurts that you’ve been told were ridiculous or blown out of proportion. Grieve the losses of what can never be repaid and break your agreements with the false assumptions and lies you’ve come to believe along the way. Sort out what is truth. This is a process; it will take time.

Rediscover Yourself.

At the same time, begin to define your sense of self based upon truth. What are the character qualities that make up who you are? Pay attention to your thinking and be intentional about walking out those character qualities you want to be. Set a new path and take one small step each day in the direction you want to go, without letting yourself get overwhelmed with what-ifs and what you can’t control. Let yourself believe in you again, even if it’s just a little at a time. Eventually, over time, you will be at a different place than you are right now, simply because you put one foot in front of the other and headed down a new path.

I am not saying it is easy. But this is just the beginning of a life-long process of guarding your heart and paying attention to your path. One of the greatest investments you can make in that process is finding someone who can coach you through the hard stuff.

Take a Step Towards Healing.

Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in helping to untangle the chaos that emotional or narcissistic abuse wreaks on your heart and your marriage. While our goal is restoration for marriages, we recognize that reconciliation requires both partners to commit to change. If you are left alone to deal with the heartache in your marriage, or are separated or divorced, hope and healing are possible for you as well. Let us help you chart a new course as you head into the new year! Call our office at (206) 219-0145 or email us at frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and we’ll help you get started on a new path!

So, here’s my answer:  Both narcissism and codependence are anchored in misplaced responsibility.

The Responsibility For Your Life Falls On You (and only you)

Both extremes rely upon an external frame of reference to determine their next steps.  That is, they rely on other people, circumstances, belief systems, and past experiences to determine how they show up in the world.  It takes great courage, intentionality and wisdom to choose your next steps based on who you are and how you want to show up.  It is much easier to resort to complacency… and ultimately the destructive behaviors that destroy relationships.

Both ends of this spectrum make excuses for their behavior based upon what has been done to them, how the world has acted upon them, rather than how they can act upon the world.  This encapsulates victim mentality, and is rooted in fear. Those on the narcissistic end of the spectrum use anger and entitlement to control and subdue what they fear.  Those on the codependent side use false peace-making to control and subdue what they fear.  Both sides are in hiding and blame external forces for their inability to change.  They place the responsibility for their internal world fully on the shoulders of the external world around them… and thus do not take responsibility for their own thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.

Misplaced Responsibility

The most simple definition of misplaced responsibility is when someone blames others for their short comings.  It’s easy to blame our spouse, our kids, our upbringing, our job and others for our problems. The problem is, when we don’t see our own role in how we got here, we can’t change the very thing that is causing our world to fall apart.

Other examples of misplaced responsibility include:

• Blaming your spouse for your infidelity and porn addiction.
• Criticizing and berating someone because they hold opinions and beliefs different from yours.
• Doing whatever it takes to “keep the peace” because you don’t want to “set off” your spouse, which means learning to silence your voice and hide your heart.
• Not expressing what you think, feel, or need because your spouse sees these things as starting a fight, complaining or being needy. In other words, you are taught that you ought not think, feel or need anything.

The idea that we are simply victims of our circumstances makes for an easy excuse for destructive and self-destructive behaviors.  Again, if you consider both The Narcissist and The Codependent, ultimately both extremes are grounded in hiding and self-protection.  Both try to get what they want in controlling, manipulative ways in order to protect themselves.  There is a prevailing myth that hiding who we really are will mean safety, security, and love.  And THAT is where the self-destruction is relevant:  We are not meant to be alone, but when we hide ourselves, we are ultimately responsible for our aloneness.

There is an unofficial diagnosis called Responsibility Deficit Disorder.  According to Paul E. Olsen, MS, the criteria that distinguishes someone who has been diagnosed with this condition are:

1. The inability to realize that only the choices one makes now…determines the quality of one’s life –not mom’s neglect, dad’s alcoholism, your spouse’s controlling behavior, nor the boss’ criticism.
2. Relentlessly blamingother people, circumstances, or the month or year in which you were born for your feelings and your lot in life.
3. The unfounded and unrealistic belief that by trying to change others, rather than self, life can be happier or more rewarding.
4. A disbelief in the fact that what we think(what we tell ourselves) is the cause of our emotional problems (except for rare cases of chemical brain malfunction or brain damage).

(Olsen, Paul E. (1996). Responsibility Deficit Disorder. [Online]. Perspectives. [1996, November 15].)

There are many similarities between what Olsen describes and victim mentality, or victim syndrome.

Dr. Robert Leahy, PhD and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, has named these characteristics of victim-oriented thinking:

1. You feel powerless, unable to solve a problem or cope effectively with it.
2. You tend to see your problems as catastrophes.
3. You tend to think others are purposefully trying to hurt you.
4. You believe you alone are targeted for mistreatment.
5. You hold tightly to thoughts and feelings related to being a victim.  You also refuse to consider other perspectives for how to think about and for how to cope with your problems.
6. As a victim, you feel compelled to keep painful memories alive, not forgive, and take revenge.

So why do so many people choose to believe thoughts that keep them trapped, powerless and fearful? Because there are benefits to maintaining a victim mentality!  It’s easier to point fingers when something goes wrong. When the outcome is bad, you’d rather believe the cause was someone or something else than take responsibility.  Changing ourselves is hard!!  It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy and there is too much at stake!

A Breakthrough for Healing

The point I want to make is this:  We all have many valid reasons for doing what we do, but remaining in a victim mentality, regardless of whatever label we give it, we become obstacles to our own healing.

If you truly want healing, you will have to stop finger pointing and turn the focus on yourself, on your responsibility to show up as the person God created, purposed and called you to be.  Each of us is responsible for the person we are inviting others to relate to.

The question you are probably asking is: How? How do I come out of hiding with strength, courage, and a steadfast heart?  How do I show up? How do I operate within the circumstances I find myself caught up in?  How do I break free of the strongholds that are destroying me/us?

Here are some suggestions for how to begin this process:

• Show up everyday as the person you know God created you to be. Be yourself, not what you believe you “should” be or have been told you should be.
• Live life intentionally, choosing what you participate in and don’t participate in.
• Fill your mind with truth until it becomes louder than the lies and fear that have held you captive in isolation and hiding.
• Build relationships that are centered on freedom, reciprocity, and mutuality as God designed.
• Bring greater authenticity (your thoughts, feelings and hopes) to the table, which correlates to deeper connection.

If you want to understand how misplaced responsibility may be sabotaging your healing and relationships, call our office at (206) 219-0145 to schedule a Mini Intensive or click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to learn more about our services.

Understanding Trauma

Most of us think of trauma as an event that caused us significant distress. In the fields of physical medicine and psychology, trauma is the injury or damage sustained by an individual, from an event, or series of events. This is an important distinction to make, because treatment focuses on healing these damages – perhaps also on mitigation or avoidance of future injury – but does not attempt to change or reverse the event itself, which has already passed. Trauma is not the overwhelming event itself, but the adverse effects and damage to the individual.

It’s somewhat easier to comprehend trauma and treatment of trauma in the context of physical injuries because physical injuries are in many cases visible, or easily identified by the symptoms. Psychological trauma is much more difficult to define, recognize, or measure, because the effects on the psyche aren’t as apparent.  There isn’t a clear, direct connection between the injury and the symptoms. However, there are a variety of diagnostic tools that behavioral health clinicians use to identify and measure the effects of psychological trauma on an individual.

Let me first provide a precise definition of trauma. Trauma occurs when the following three criteria are true. First, exposure to an event, or series of events, that harms or threatens harm (physical or psychological). Second, this event overwhelms the individual’s ability to respond, escape, or make it stop. Third, reactions or adaptations resulting from exposure to the event creates significant difficulty in functioning.

“It’s not about what we have experienced in our lives, but how we come to understand it.”  – Mary Main

Mary Main, a psychologist and researcher in the field of attachment, distinguishes between “resolved” and “unresolved” trauma. This means that although someone may experience a particularly traumatic series of events, and develop adverse coping strategies or experience impact in certain areas of their lives, there is hope of recovery and significant change.

2 Keys to Recovering From Trauma

Now you may be wondering why some people seem to be more adversely affected by negative experiences than others who are able to recover fairly quickly.  Two mitigating factors that play a very important role in the recovery process are support and resiliency.   “Support” is the recognition and validation of not only our experience, but of our emotional response to these experiences.

Imagine receiving particularly devastating news, or experiencing something distressing. Who do you go to first?  These are the people in our lives who “get it” and are most likely to affirm your experience and your emotions.  Some people have more of this type of supports in their lives – through family, friends and social groups, while others have very little support.

Resilience, the second factor in how well people recover from trauma, is a measure of how much adversity and stress a person can manage without becoming dysregulated. It is also a measure of an individual’s capacity for flexibility, acceptance, and adaptation in the face of adversity and stress. Resilience is not innate; it is developed over time. Developmental factors, especially the quality of our earliest relationships in life, play a huge role in acquisition of resilience. Resilience can also diminish over time. Factors such as lack of access to support, abuse, changes in physical health, and chronic stress can decrease resilience significantly.

Therapy and behavioral interventions can be very effective in the treatment of trauma. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we offer a Trauma Recovery Sessions Package to guide you through the recovery process, starting with a thorough, in-depth assessment of your trauma response, leading into a customized plan to help you move beyond the trauma and heal.  For more information, please reach out to our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145.

The Mayo Clinic defines Borderline Personality Disorder as “a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.”  A more compact definition used by ICD-9 is “A disorder characterized by extreme black and white thinking and turbulent relationships. (ICD-9: 301.83)

“We were created for connection, and when that connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.”

The more I’ve studied psychology, and the deeper I’ve dived into peoples’ stories, the more convinced I am that every psychological disorder, including  BPD, has its basis in attachment disruption. Every dysfunction seems to stem from a root of neglect, abandonment and abuse. This thought brings me to the account in Genesis that began with God saying it was not good for man to be alone.  God’s solution to the problem of loneliness was about much more than simply providing a companion.  It was about attachment, which was designed to be permanent. At our core, we were created to be connected.  And when connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.

The attachment issue is critical to relationship development, and also to relationship dysfunction. BPD, for example, is marked by the inability to cope with rejection or abandonment. There is a very strong correlation between the self-protective behaviors (which are also often self-destructive) used to identify BPD and normal responses to the relational trauma of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and unmet needs. In other words, emotional abuse will elicit many of the same behaviors used to diagnose BPD.

The constant power and control tactics of narcissistic abusers cause victims to lose their sense of self and eventually leave them numb, empty, and utterly confused. What ensues is self-image issues and dysfunctional choices resulting from a relational frame of reference that is based upon a faulty, trauma-informed internal narrative.  The victim experiences cognitive dissonance between a sense of hyper-independence because they are left to fend for themselves, and a desperate clinging from fear of abandonment.  This “no one can be trusted” and “it’s all up to me” belief system impairs their ability to cultivate healthy connection.  There is no reciprocity or mutuality in their thinking, therefore there is no reciprocity or mutuality in their relationships.

How trauma impacts attachment formation

Past trauma to attachment formation compounds the problem because every gap in understanding gets filled with suspicion and threat to their sense of self and belonging. And those behaviors are pervasive when perpetuated/triggered by continued trauma, including perceived threats.  Trauma teaches the brain to perceive everything as a threat.  Even what would normally be seen as “good” or “normal” is viewed with suspicion, looking for the attached string.   Their internal chaos is fed by the narrative of threats within the external relationships which are then acted out with dysfunctional behavior intended to protect themselves from the threat of abandonment.

This can look like making claims that they are “made to do” the harmful, destructive or coercive things they do in response to any behavior they perceive as rejection/abandonment. Examples could be deleting all friends of the opposite sex from their spouse’s social media account, or harming (or threatening to harm) oneself so their mate has to spend the evening taking care of them.  He or she doesn’t accept someone else’s “No, I don’t want to be with you” and works hard to control the relationship to either make them stay in it or attempt to control their other relationships to isolate them.  They may act on a faulty belief that hurting the person they love will make that person stay in the relationship.  And in all of this there is no awareness that their own behavior is self-destructive and sabotaging the very thing they are desperate to fix.  They do not feel connected to their life, let alone the people around them.

So what then, is the answer?

How does one begin to heal from this kind of dysfunction? Healing requires an ownership mindset of self-efficacy and agency, within a context of strong, healthy boundaries. It also requires separating from current abuse and creating a safe space to heal.  It requires learning to regulate your internal environment with grounded, healthy skills rather than frantic, reactive self-destructive habits.  Approaches such as DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and other trauma therapies work effectively for this. The goal is to find and rebuild the self that has been lost and abandoned.  It is also to regain the ability to attach appropriately in relationships.

If you are plagued by fear of abandonment, are unable to regulate your emotions, and find yourself acting out in ways that are destructive to yourself and your relationships, we would love to help you break free from the vicious cycles.  We offer emotional abuse trauma recovery programs, as well as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy led by trauma specialists. Contact us today through our website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or email us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist who will help you get started.

Common Thinking Errors

• Denial/Lying: Not admitting something that is true. There are 3 ways to lie: commission (saying something that is not true), omission (leaving out important information that we don’t want others to know about), and assent (pretending to agree or approve of others’ ideas and actions when we really don’t). We must speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and, of course, speak the truth in love.
• Excuse Making/Blaming: Finding a reason to justify behavior, to not be responsible or to diminish responsibility.
• Rationalizing/Justifying: Coming up with reasons to give ourselves permission to behave in a certain way. We rationalize our bad behaviors.
• “I’m Unique”: The belief that “my situation is different” allows us to believe that we are so unique and special that what applies to others doesn’t apply to us. This thinking error allows us to shut others out of our lives, believing that we don’t need help and that no one can understand us or our situation.
• Redefining/Vagueness: Shifting the focus off an issue we want to avoid or being purposefully vague. Sometimes this is subtle, sometimes obvious, always avoiding the real question.
• Black & White Thinking: This is seeing everything in a clear “black and white” perspective. Life is so complex that it produces a myriad of shades of gray in almost everything. Using black and white thinking allows us to rely on overly simplistic answers to try to answer complex questions. It reduces the complexity in many situations into something manageable but is still irrational and/or distorted. We use this to make things easier for us and to rationalize our choices. Some people say things like, “The Bible says…” but the Bible is also not always black and white, and it deals with us as the very complex people we are.
• Minimizing: Reducing the size, importance, or reality of something we’ve done.
• Grandiosity: This distorted thinking changes a situation into something so big or overwhelming that it allows us to avoid responsibility in some way or allows or fosters unhealthy behavior. Example: “I’m so good that even if I get caught, I can always talk my way out of it!”
• Crisis: When we’re always in crisis, the crisis distorts responsibility, so it gives us permission to act in a distorted way.
• Magical Thinking: Using thinking that has no basis in reality as an explanation for something. Often this thinking allows us to believe things we want that are not probable. “Everything will always be fine, no matter what.”
• Assuming: Assuming is the opposite of understanding. When we assume, we presume to know what others think or feel without real awareness of the facts. Assuming to know another person’s motives is often used as an excuse for our bad behaviors.
• Anger/Power-Playing: Anger is a normal emotion. However, this thinking/behavior is employed as a way to have control and/or manipulate others. It also allows us to avoid really facing an issue by using anger to deflect. Power-playing can either be aggressive or passive-aggressive. The intent is always to get our own way.
• Closing:This is thinking/behavior that is secretive or closed. It is used to distort reality by not facing it. It is also not being open to feedback from others. Using this thinking error at times allows us to feel a distorted power by concealing the truth. “I simply won’t talk about it.”
• Entitlement/Ownership:This thinking allows us to feel entitled to privileges based on our own distorted thinking. Such thinking causes us to, at times, feel ownership over people, things, or situations. It allows us to treat others like objects and justifies inappropriate and hurtful behavior.

All of these thinking errors are destructive, and God loves us too much to allow us to continue down a destructive path. God desires transformation for all of us.

The Bible is full of transformational language. Scripture tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We are created in God’s image, but we have fallen into disrepair and are overcome by our thinking errors. Thankfully, God is in the business of renovating our thinking.

Six Elements of Renewing Our Thinking Errors

1. Learning the truth: Transformation requires learning the truth. John 14:6, Ephesians 4:14-15, and 2 Timothy 3:16-17 talk about what truth is and how we can be transformed by knowing it.
2. Cleaning house: We must get rid of all of the thoughts and thinking errors that hinder us and do not serve us. Transformation requires cleaning house.
3. New thinking: We must be a people with a passion to be transformed by God. God does not force change upon us. We must choose to put on the new way of thinking and to put away the former way of life. We don’t just get rid of bad thinking habits; we replace bad habits with good ones.
4. Coaching: Transformation requires coaching. Professional athletes and those at the top of their game have coaches. A coach is concerned not only with your individual ability, but also how it benefits the team. We are not just individuals; we belong and live in community with others.
5. Honest community: Change requires living as part of an honest community. We need a safe place to be, where others will speak the truth in love. We need trusted Christian friends who can confront our thinking errors.
6. Faith: “Now, glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us, is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.” (Ephesians 3:20, The Living Bible). Transformation requires faith in God. How can you build your faith so that you can reap the promises in Ephesians 3:20?

If you struggle with any of the thinking errors listed above, we at the Marriage Recovery Center can help! We would be happy to help you cultivate new, healthy thoughts that lead to changed behaviors and improved relationships. Please give our office a call at (206) 219-0145 for more information or contact our Client Care Team.

I often hear women in emotionally abusive relationships say things like, “Did I just imagine it?” or “Am I making too much out of this?” while abusers tend to use gaslighting phrases like “I never said that.” “That didn’t happen” or “You’re just hypersensitive.” “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Gaslighting and Crazymaking

Gaslighting can happen over the smallest of issues. Take, for instance, the woman who is told by her husband to never do his laundry because she did it wrong. Then, when she complies, he berates her for having left his clothes in the washer all day long when the least she could’ve done was dry them. There is no winning in this scenario, no way to know what will please him, as his “rules” change with the wind.

Crazymaking also occurs over hugely important issues, e.g., “I didn’t have an affair with her, I was just being helpful. You always believe the worst of me.” Or, “I have no idea how those women’s panties got in my truck. I’ll have to ask my friends if they put them there as a joke.”

Part of what makes these tactics so effective is that they’re part of a cycle of abuse which also contains “love bombing”—good, sweet, kind behavior which paints the picture that all is well and the offender can be trusted.

Many of these tactics are subtle. They seem to claim that reality is all a “matter of opinion,” and they usually happen behind closed doors where there are no corroborating witnesses. These things often make it difficult to explain to others. This, too, is part of the assault on your sense of reality.

Healing from Emotional Abuse

If any of this sounds or feels familiar to you, or if you sense that something is off in your relationship but can’t quite put your finger on what, please reach out to us at the Marriage Recovery Center. We’d be honored to help you make sense of what’s happening and get some clarity about where to go from here.

This sort of thing is too hard to do alone, so give us a call at (206) 219-0145 or email us at frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and our Client Care Team will be happy to speak with you and help you get started!

Maybe you’ve wondered if your relationship is emotionally abusive. Your partner’s actions are hurtful, but are they bad enough to be considered abuse? One of the most harmful and insidious aspects of emotional abuse is that it can be difficult to recognize. This article will help you better understand what emotional abuse is, and help you recognize if you’re in a toxic and unhealthy relationship with an abuser.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a pattern of defensive behaviors used to gain power and control over a partner. It is a form of controlling a person’s emotional and mental state. The defensive behaviors, which present themselves as hurtful and controlling actions, often emerge during anger-inducing incidents. Over time, the psychological effects of emotional abuse have a profound and disastrous impact on both the victim and the abuser. One of the most damaging aspects of emotional abuse is that the abused partner often feels unable to articulate and recognize the destruction that the abuse causes.

What Does Emotional Abuse Look Like?

Emotional abuse can begin with minor actions like becoming upset and giving the “silent treatment,” for example not answering calls or texts, avoiding eye contact, or simply not talking to the other person altogether, even ignoring their attempts at conversation.

This leaves the victim in the dark and can trigger anxiety and heighten the need to smooth things over. The victim often feels relief when the abuser re-engages and the “punishment” is over—this transforms into a means of controlling and manipulating the victim, who lives in fear of being cut off again.

Verbal abuse is another common form of emotional abuse, and can take the form of constant criticism and put-downs, in addition to the more obvious screaming, swearing, threatening, etc. It may start as off-handed comments that grow into yelling insults and cutting down or humiliating his or her partner in front of family and friends. This results in fear, nervousness, and feelings of worthlessness for the victim.

Some emotional abusers exploit their partner’s need for love and affection by denying and withholding physical affection, time together, or compliments. Denial of attention and affection can leave a victim feeling unattractive and unworthy of love.

Often when an emotional abuser is confronted with their actions, they become defensive, refuse to acknowledge the problem, and blame their victim. Others deny their partner’s accounts of what happened or alter the narrative, leading to a pattern that results in the victim questioning their memory or perception. Over time, this becomes a form of gaslighting.

When Anger Is Used as a Weapon

Abusers use anger as a weapon to intimidate and power-over the victim. The victim lives in fear of the next angry episode. These attacks come in various forms, for example:

• Loud, aggressive language
• Using their body as a means of intimidation: blocking a doorway, intentionally getting in the way, or following the victim
• Revenge actions to punish or hurt the victim, for example cancelling dinner or vacation plans. The abuser often believes this is a “tit for tat” response to what triggered their anger.

Over time, the person on the receiving end of the anger outbursts becomes conditioned to do anything they can to appease their abuser. This can often feel like walking on thin ice, waiting for a crack and crash as the bottom falls out. This leads to anxiety, depression, nervousness, low self-esteem, and symptoms of PTSD. Many victims freeze up when an incident of yelling occurs, flashing back to memories of being mistreated.

Can Emotional Abusers Change?

Change can be the hardest word for a victim to believe, but it is possible for an abuser to recover. Many abusers carry pent up anger, insecurities, and wounds that can be repaired with work. Victims also need to heal and recover from the abuse. It takes time and commitment.

One thing is clear: both partners in an abusive relationship need help. At the Marriage Recovery Center, both the victim and the abuser can get the help they need to heal. Each partner receives individualized care at the beginning of the healing journey to work on their own issues. At the appropriate time, and when they are ready, their paths unite for a holistic healing experience that involves couples counseling.

If you’re ready to begin the journey to a healthier self, reach out to a Client Care Specialist at (206) 219-0145.  We are here to help you find that path.

Long-Term Emotional Abuse

I often hear women say, “I don’t feel safe or heard in my marriage.” When I ask them to explain, sometimes it’s hard for them to articulate what is happening. Why is that? Because a victim of emotional abuse has been told repeatedly that they are the problem, that they are making up their concerns, that they are the perpetrators of abuse.

Over time, repeatedly occurring emotional abuse leaves the victim feeling confused, unsafe, and alone. While physical abuse leaves visible marks, emotional abuse leaves emotional scars that no one can see. This invisible aspect makes it all the more difficult for victims to recognize and speak out about the abuse.

Three Aspects of Emotional Abuse

This is the first of a series of articles in which we will discuss in much more detail three aspects of emotional abuse and its impact on the victim. We’re going to explore why perpetrators of abuse often lack empathy and how this lack of empathy, along with overt and covert abusive behaviors, causes victims to feel unsafe and unheard. We’ll discuss how victims are slowly stripped of their identity and sense of value.

These are the three aspects of emotional abuse the series will cover:

• An assault on identity, worth, and value
• An assault on perception of reality
• Use of anger as a weapon of control

Focusing on these central aspects of emotional abuse, you will have a greater understanding of this hidden problem and feel empowered to seek change. We cannot heal from something unless we name it, own it, and set upon a clear path of healing.

Help for Healing

We at The Marriage Recovery Center have developed a comprehensive path of healing for individuals and couples whose marriages are impacted by narcissistic and  emotional abuse.  Based on our Healing Together philosophy, men learn to recognize and dismantle their abusive behaviors in a program called The Core, while the women go on their own healing journey in a corollary program called Redeemed.  Finally, when appropriate, we bring couples together for intensive couples counseling.

To get started on your path to healing contact our Client Care Team at (206) 219-0145 or frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com.