My husband has narcissistic personality traits and has been told by a pastor that he is actually on the disorder side of the spectrum. I am working with multiple elders and my adult children to set up an intervention. We have been married 32+ years and he is poised to walk away rather than have a family meeting to talk things through. Things have gotten exponentially worse the last 6 months because he started totally secluding himself.

We are both Christians who don’t believe in divorce, but I realize I have to take a stand for change because he has always been staunchly against outside help, saying if I would be the wife I should be, we would have no problems! What are some angles we can use to get him to an intervention?

A:

Because it sounds like he has historically been opposed to counsel or help, you may not be able to “get him” to an intervention. In this case, you will have to “bring” the intervention to him. Your plan will probably have to be launched as a surprise, rather than an agreed-upon meeting.

Totally secluding oneself is akin to divorce. It is abandonment and neglect of the relationship. There is little left when the only difference in your relationship is a judge’s signature on the certificate of marriage vs. the certificate of divorce. In other words, it is a divorce of the relationship of the marriage without the divorce of the institution of the marriage.

If it is true that he does not believe in divorce, this could be the first point to bring up to express the gravity of the situation and hopefully get his attention. Because you are right, taking a stand is the only way to bring change to the status quo.

Purpose of an Intervention

The purpose of an intervention is to provide an unmistakable confrontation of destructive behavior in a context in which the person responsible cannot avoid seeing the results of their behavior.

In your case, it would be to paint a very clear picture that a relationship is more important to you than the institution of marriage. You are no longer willing to simply be married in name only, and you require that specific behavioral dynamics change so connection can happen. The element of surprise will make it difficult to ignore, deflect, deny, and excuse.

An intervention is intentional and strategic. That means there must be thoughtful planning and a commitment to see the process through. You will need to have a clear definition of what it is you can no longer tolerate, and identify the ways you will no longer enable the destructive patterns, including what boundaries you’ll employ to stay grounded, sane, and safe.

It is important to be lay out the options you’ve decided on based upon the response to the intervention, including a safety plan in case things go awry. The goal will be to invite him into a change process that will result in a better relationship. It helps immensely to have Godly counsel, a skilled facilitator, and people in your corner to help you see your way through, too.

Practical Steps to an Intervention

Here are the practical steps to an intervention:

·       Prepare by reflecting on, and writing out, what it’s been like to be married to your spouse. Look at what you’ve lost and how you’ve been changed along the way. Who have you become? What part of you needs to be recovered?

·       Identify what specific behaviors you will no longer tolerate and the changes you want. For example, isolation and refusing to have collaborative conversations will not create a connected relationship. In this case, the change you’d request is that the two of you agree on the rules of engagement needed to enable meaningful conversations that end in healthy resolutions.

·       Identify and implement boundaries that will keep you grounded, able to think clearly, and stay congruent with who you want to be. Also identify the consequences that will occur when those boundaries are crossed, and be ready to carry them out. For example, if he always acts out during car rides because he knows you’re a captive audience, drive separate cars even if you are going to the same destination.

·       Consult with Godly, wise counsel and a qualified facilitator in order to identify the level of intervention needed, and to make an appropriate plan. In other words, will this be a simple confrontation, or will it require a separation plan, a full team of people who regularly stay involved to provide accountability and mentoring, and potential legal action of some sort?

·       Carry out the intervention. When you’ve done the background work above, decide on a time to confront him. Make sure you have a witness present, and present him with your concerns, your requests for change, and the options you’re prepared to follow through on. Invite your spouse to join you in coming up with a collaborative solution.

·       Require that your spouse be involved in follow-up deep counseling to change his or her destructive behavior.

If you present this crossroad to your spouse, you’ll also need to be ready for whatever comes of it. While our goal is to bring about a breakthrough which ends his or her overwhelming behavior, there is a chance that hard-heartedness may still get in the way. Present your case and wait to see what comes of it.

It may not end the way you hope, but at least you’ll know who your spouse really is where the rubber meets the road. No more guessing, no more carrying the weight of trying to make him or her change. Whichever way your spouse chooses to go, you still get to begin your healing journey based upon a foundation of truth.

We have counselors on staff who specialize in intervention planning and would love to help you. We offer an Intervention Planning Intensive to work through the practical steps of the intervention. Contact our Client Care Team to learn more.Do you have a question or concern about your relationship that you’d like us to address? Our Ask Us series answers reader-submitted questions. Submit your own question here and one of our therapists or coaches might address it in an upcoming blog or video.

What is Covert Abuse?

Why do we call it covert abuse? Because it’s subtle. And it usually happens behind closed doors. The perpetrator is often a well-liked and respected leader in the community who presents one persona in public and a very different one in private. Covert abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises or marks, so this form of violence often goes undetected, even by friends and family members who are close to the victim.

What does covert abuse look like? It takes the form of constantly blaming, criticizing, accusing, telling the other person that they’re wrong, scoffing at them, scolding them, and, essentially, diminishing what the other person thinks and feels. It can also be in the form of pouting, withdrawing, and withholding love. Now you may think, what real harm can that cause? I would say there is tremendous harm caused by these actions! It’s not easy to understand the debilitating impact of cognitive dissonance – the result when someone says they love you yet constantly criticizes you and makes you feel worthless. Can you imagine the inner chaos that creates?

Any attempt to share this information with friends, family members, and even pastors, leaves victims of emotional abuse feeling dismissed, blamed, and completely isolated. They’re often told that they’re making too much of things, that they just need to pray about it, or they’re given books to learn what they can do to be a better spouse and make things better. For victims of covert emotional abuse, the result is confusion, isolation, a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety, and physical symptoms resembling PTSD.

So, if you can relate to any of these things, the first thing you must do is to get  honest with yourself.  In order to heal, you must first name the problem for what it is. The truth will hurt, but it will set you free.

8 Examples of Covert Abuse

Here are some ways to know if you are in a relationship with a covert abuser.

• Constant criticism and humiliation: Nothing you do is good enough for him or her.
• Overt and covert control: Everything must be done the way he or she wants.
• Taking themselves too seriously: Even the slightest affront becomes trouble for you.
• Name calling/rage reactions: When challenged or frustrated, his or her inner six-year-old comes out and throws a tantrum.
• Emotional Distance: When hurt, he or she will punish you by withdrawing/stonewalling.
• Playing the victim: Whatever problem you have, his or hers is bigger and worse.
• Viewing you as an extension of himself/herself: He or she cannot/will not see you as an individual. You are an extension of his or her wants and desires.
• Subtle or overt threats: Failure to conform leads to threats to your emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical safety. 

Do any of these traits sound like you or your partner? If you feel like you’ve been stumbling along a dark path and every sign along the way only seems to lead to more confusion, give us a call. We can help you make sense of what’s happening and gain clarity on how to find your way out of the mess and move forward in your healing. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Marriage Evaluation. You can also click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.

It may be that you’re not feeling hopeful or confident that this new year will be any different from the last, especially when the last was compounded by the uncertainty between the pandemic and political unrest. You’re tired of hoping for change and connection. Your life has been reduced to a series of survival attempts from one day to the next. There comes a day when the reality of that either destroys you or awakens a fierce anger in you or maybe both.

A New You for the New Year

Listen to your heart.

What do you do when this is your story? How do you find life again? How do you grasp hope? Where do you even begin to attempt to write a different story? It begins with imagination and vision. Imagine an awakening that gives birth to determination to break free of the imprisonment in which you’ve been living. Now imagine that you have the capacity to carry out that feat. It is possible!

I’ve found that it helps many people to be able to name their experience. If narcissistic abuse is part of your story, the name for your experience is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. This label captures everything you’re feeling as the result of the trauma of living under intense stress and oppression from a narcissist. The label doesn’t define you, but it is meant to serve as a launching point for how to find healing. The path often begins with learning to listen to your heart again and believing that what it says is valuable.

Depending on how deeply you’ve been wounded, it may take a long time to hear and trust yourself. Maybe a good place to start is simply to name how you’ve been harmed and give yourself permission to feel the hurts that you’ve been told were ridiculous or blown out of proportion. Grieve the losses of what can never be repaid and break your agreements with the false assumptions and lies you’ve come to believe along the way. Sort out what is truth. This is a process; it will take time.

Rediscover Yourself.

At the same time, begin to define your sense of self based upon truth. What are the character qualities that make up who you are? Pay attention to your thinking and be intentional about walking out those character qualities you want to be. Set a new path and take one small step each day in the direction you want to go, without letting yourself get overwhelmed with what-ifs and what you can’t control. Let yourself believe in you again, even if it’s just a little at a time. Eventually, over time, you will be at a different place than you are right now, simply because you put one foot in front of the other and headed down a new path.

I am not saying it is easy. But this is just the beginning of a life-long process of guarding your heart and paying attention to your path. One of the greatest investments you can make in that process is finding someone who can coach you through the hard stuff.

Take a Step Towards Healing.

Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in helping to untangle the chaos that emotional or narcissistic abuse wreaks on your heart and your marriage. While our goal is restoration for marriages, we recognize that reconciliation requires both partners to commit to change. If you are left alone to deal with the heartache in your marriage, or are separated or divorced, hope and healing are possible for you as well. Let us help you chart a new course as you head into the new year! Call our office at (206) 219-0145 or email us at frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and we’ll help you get started on a new path!

So, here’s my answer:  Both narcissism and codependence are anchored in misplaced responsibility.

The Responsibility For Your Life Falls On You (and only you)

Both extremes rely upon an external frame of reference to determine their next steps.  That is, they rely on other people, circumstances, belief systems, and past experiences to determine how they show up in the world.  It takes great courage, intentionality and wisdom to choose your next steps based on who you are and how you want to show up.  It is much easier to resort to complacency… and ultimately the destructive behaviors that destroy relationships.

Both ends of this spectrum make excuses for their behavior based upon what has been done to them, how the world has acted upon them, rather than how they can act upon the world.  This encapsulates victim mentality, and is rooted in fear. Those on the narcissistic end of the spectrum use anger and entitlement to control and subdue what they fear.  Those on the codependent side use false peace-making to control and subdue what they fear.  Both sides are in hiding and blame external forces for their inability to change.  They place the responsibility for their internal world fully on the shoulders of the external world around them… and thus do not take responsibility for their own thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.

Misplaced Responsibility

The most simple definition of misplaced responsibility is when someone blames others for their short comings.  It’s easy to blame our spouse, our kids, our upbringing, our job and others for our problems. The problem is, when we don’t see our own role in how we got here, we can’t change the very thing that is causing our world to fall apart.

Other examples of misplaced responsibility include:

• Blaming your spouse for your infidelity and porn addiction.
• Criticizing and berating someone because they hold opinions and beliefs different from yours.
• Doing whatever it takes to “keep the peace” because you don’t want to “set off” your spouse, which means learning to silence your voice and hide your heart.
• Not expressing what you think, feel, or need because your spouse sees these things as starting a fight, complaining or being needy. In other words, you are taught that you ought not think, feel or need anything.

The idea that we are simply victims of our circumstances makes for an easy excuse for destructive and self-destructive behaviors.  Again, if you consider both The Narcissist and The Codependent, ultimately both extremes are grounded in hiding and self-protection.  Both try to get what they want in controlling, manipulative ways in order to protect themselves.  There is a prevailing myth that hiding who we really are will mean safety, security, and love.  And THAT is where the self-destruction is relevant:  We are not meant to be alone, but when we hide ourselves, we are ultimately responsible for our aloneness.

There is an unofficial diagnosis called Responsibility Deficit Disorder.  According to Paul E. Olsen, MS, the criteria that distinguishes someone who has been diagnosed with this condition are:

1. The inability to realize that only the choices one makes now…determines the quality of one’s life –not mom’s neglect, dad’s alcoholism, your spouse’s controlling behavior, nor the boss’ criticism.
2. Relentlessly blamingother people, circumstances, or the month or year in which you were born for your feelings and your lot in life.
3. The unfounded and unrealistic belief that by trying to change others, rather than self, life can be happier or more rewarding.
4. A disbelief in the fact that what we think(what we tell ourselves) is the cause of our emotional problems (except for rare cases of chemical brain malfunction or brain damage).

(Olsen, Paul E. (1996). Responsibility Deficit Disorder. [Online]. Perspectives. [1996, November 15].)

There are many similarities between what Olsen describes and victim mentality, or victim syndrome.

Dr. Robert Leahy, PhD and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, has named these characteristics of victim-oriented thinking:

1. You feel powerless, unable to solve a problem or cope effectively with it.
2. You tend to see your problems as catastrophes.
3. You tend to think others are purposefully trying to hurt you.
4. You believe you alone are targeted for mistreatment.
5. You hold tightly to thoughts and feelings related to being a victim.  You also refuse to consider other perspectives for how to think about and for how to cope with your problems.
6. As a victim, you feel compelled to keep painful memories alive, not forgive, and take revenge.

So why do so many people choose to believe thoughts that keep them trapped, powerless and fearful? Because there are benefits to maintaining a victim mentality!  It’s easier to point fingers when something goes wrong. When the outcome is bad, you’d rather believe the cause was someone or something else than take responsibility.  Changing ourselves is hard!!  It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy and there is too much at stake!

A Breakthrough for Healing

The point I want to make is this:  We all have many valid reasons for doing what we do, but remaining in a victim mentality, regardless of whatever label we give it, we become obstacles to our own healing.

If you truly want healing, you will have to stop finger pointing and turn the focus on yourself, on your responsibility to show up as the person God created, purposed and called you to be.  Each of us is responsible for the person we are inviting others to relate to.

The question you are probably asking is: How? How do I come out of hiding with strength, courage, and a steadfast heart?  How do I show up? How do I operate within the circumstances I find myself caught up in?  How do I break free of the strongholds that are destroying me/us?

Here are some suggestions for how to begin this process:

• Show up everyday as the person you know God created you to be. Be yourself, not what you believe you “should” be or have been told you should be.
• Live life intentionally, choosing what you participate in and don’t participate in.
• Fill your mind with truth until it becomes louder than the lies and fear that have held you captive in isolation and hiding.
• Build relationships that are centered on freedom, reciprocity, and mutuality as God designed.
• Bring greater authenticity (your thoughts, feelings and hopes) to the table, which correlates to deeper connection.

If you want to understand how misplaced responsibility may be sabotaging your healing and relationships, call our office at (206) 219-0145 to schedule a Mini Intensive or click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to learn more about our services.

Understanding Trauma

Most of us think of trauma as an event that caused us significant distress. In the fields of physical medicine and psychology, trauma is the injury or damage sustained by an individual, from an event, or series of events. This is an important distinction to make, because treatment focuses on healing these damages – perhaps also on mitigation or avoidance of future injury – but does not attempt to change or reverse the event itself, which has already passed. Trauma is not the overwhelming event itself, but the adverse effects and damage to the individual.

It’s somewhat easier to comprehend trauma and treatment of trauma in the context of physical injuries because physical injuries are in many cases visible, or easily identified by the symptoms. Psychological trauma is much more difficult to define, recognize, or measure, because the effects on the psyche aren’t as apparent.  There isn’t a clear, direct connection between the injury and the symptoms. However, there are a variety of diagnostic tools that behavioral health clinicians use to identify and measure the effects of psychological trauma on an individual.

Let me first provide a precise definition of trauma. Trauma occurs when the following three criteria are true. First, exposure to an event, or series of events, that harms or threatens harm (physical or psychological). Second, this event overwhelms the individual’s ability to respond, escape, or make it stop. Third, reactions or adaptations resulting from exposure to the event creates significant difficulty in functioning.

“It’s not about what we have experienced in our lives, but how we come to understand it.”  – Mary Main

Mary Main, a psychologist and researcher in the field of attachment, distinguishes between “resolved” and “unresolved” trauma. This means that although someone may experience a particularly traumatic series of events, and develop adverse coping strategies or experience impact in certain areas of their lives, there is hope of recovery and significant change.

2 Keys to Recovering From Trauma

Now you may be wondering why some people seem to be more adversely affected by negative experiences than others who are able to recover fairly quickly.  Two mitigating factors that play a very important role in the recovery process are support and resiliency.   “Support” is the recognition and validation of not only our experience, but of our emotional response to these experiences.

Imagine receiving particularly devastating news, or experiencing something distressing. Who do you go to first?  These are the people in our lives who “get it” and are most likely to affirm your experience and your emotions.  Some people have more of this type of supports in their lives – through family, friends and social groups, while others have very little support.

Resilience, the second factor in how well people recover from trauma, is a measure of how much adversity and stress a person can manage without becoming dysregulated. It is also a measure of an individual’s capacity for flexibility, acceptance, and adaptation in the face of adversity and stress. Resilience is not innate; it is developed over time. Developmental factors, especially the quality of our earliest relationships in life, play a huge role in acquisition of resilience. Resilience can also diminish over time. Factors such as lack of access to support, abuse, changes in physical health, and chronic stress can decrease resilience significantly.

Therapy and behavioral interventions can be very effective in the treatment of trauma. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we offer a Trauma Recovery Sessions Package to guide you through the recovery process, starting with a thorough, in-depth assessment of your trauma response, leading into a customized plan to help you move beyond the trauma and heal.  For more information, please reach out to our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145.

The Mayo Clinic defines Borderline Personality Disorder as “a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.”  A more compact definition used by ICD-9 is “A disorder characterized by extreme black and white thinking and turbulent relationships. (ICD-9: 301.83)

“We were created for connection, and when that connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.”

The more I’ve studied psychology, and the deeper I’ve dived into peoples’ stories, the more convinced I am that every psychological disorder, including  BPD, has its basis in attachment disruption. Every dysfunction seems to stem from a root of neglect, abandonment and abuse. This thought brings me to the account in Genesis that began with God saying it was not good for man to be alone.  God’s solution to the problem of loneliness was about much more than simply providing a companion.  It was about attachment, which was designed to be permanent. At our core, we were created to be connected.  And when connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.

The attachment issue is critical to relationship development, and also to relationship dysfunction. BPD, for example, is marked by the inability to cope with rejection or abandonment. There is a very strong correlation between the self-protective behaviors (which are also often self-destructive) used to identify BPD and normal responses to the relational trauma of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and unmet needs. In other words, emotional abuse will elicit many of the same behaviors used to diagnose BPD.

The constant power and control tactics of narcissistic abusers cause victims to lose their sense of self and eventually leave them numb, empty, and utterly confused. What ensues is self-image issues and dysfunctional choices resulting from a relational frame of reference that is based upon a faulty, trauma-informed internal narrative.  The victim experiences cognitive dissonance between a sense of hyper-independence because they are left to fend for themselves, and a desperate clinging from fear of abandonment.  This “no one can be trusted” and “it’s all up to me” belief system impairs their ability to cultivate healthy connection.  There is no reciprocity or mutuality in their thinking, therefore there is no reciprocity or mutuality in their relationships.

How trauma impacts attachment formation

Past trauma to attachment formation compounds the problem because every gap in understanding gets filled with suspicion and threat to their sense of self and belonging. And those behaviors are pervasive when perpetuated/triggered by continued trauma, including perceived threats.  Trauma teaches the brain to perceive everything as a threat.  Even what would normally be seen as “good” or “normal” is viewed with suspicion, looking for the attached string.   Their internal chaos is fed by the narrative of threats within the external relationships which are then acted out with dysfunctional behavior intended to protect themselves from the threat of abandonment.

This can look like making claims that they are “made to do” the harmful, destructive or coercive things they do in response to any behavior they perceive as rejection/abandonment. Examples could be deleting all friends of the opposite sex from their spouse’s social media account, or harming (or threatening to harm) oneself so their mate has to spend the evening taking care of them.  He or she doesn’t accept someone else’s “No, I don’t want to be with you” and works hard to control the relationship to either make them stay in it or attempt to control their other relationships to isolate them.  They may act on a faulty belief that hurting the person they love will make that person stay in the relationship.  And in all of this there is no awareness that their own behavior is self-destructive and sabotaging the very thing they are desperate to fix.  They do not feel connected to their life, let alone the people around them.

So what then, is the answer?

How does one begin to heal from this kind of dysfunction? Healing requires an ownership mindset of self-efficacy and agency, within a context of strong, healthy boundaries. It also requires separating from current abuse and creating a safe space to heal.  It requires learning to regulate your internal environment with grounded, healthy skills rather than frantic, reactive self-destructive habits.  Approaches such as DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and other trauma therapies work effectively for this. The goal is to find and rebuild the self that has been lost and abandoned.  It is also to regain the ability to attach appropriately in relationships.

If you are plagued by fear of abandonment, are unable to regulate your emotions, and find yourself acting out in ways that are destructive to yourself and your relationships, we would love to help you break free from the vicious cycles.  We offer emotional abuse trauma recovery programs, as well as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy led by trauma specialists. Contact us today through our website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or email us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist who will help you get started.

Sandra and Tom

Sandra and Tom came to The Marriage Recovery Center after years of trying short stints of marriage counseling. They had done what many couples do: reach a crisis point in their marriage, seek short term help, and drop out of counseling, only to repeat the pattern a few years later.

“I always thought that coping with my marriage problems was a sign of strength,” the weary, 43 year old mother of three told me. “I could always find the strength to keep plowing forward, even though my marriage problems remained unchanged.”

“You went to counseling at times, right?” I asked.

“Yes, but each time we only went for a few sessions. Our schedules got in the way and I think Tom became uncomfortable when he was confronted. So, I adapted to our situation, telling myself it wasn’t all that bad.”

“Was that really the truth?” I said, looking firmly at Sandra.

She paused, letting the magnitude of the problem sink in.   “Yes and no,” she said. Again, she paused and looked at her husband, who was sitting and listening to her patiently. “I think I found ways to explain our problems away. I told myself that all couples go through tough times. I told myself that things were not as bad as they were. I told myself that if I pushed Tom he would leave me, and I really didn’t want that.”

“Yes,” I said. “Many couples endure really bad times and tell themselves it is not so bad. That’s called denial: Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying to myself. We all endure lots of pain to keep things going just the way they are. We cope, adapt and accommodate, all the while killing ourselves and our marriages, and tell ourselves we are doing something good. This all prevents real change.”

Scripture tells us that the truth will set us free. (John 8:32) It is actually facing the truth and applying it to our lives that will set us free.

I then asked Sandra and Tom to do something that is often quite painful. I asked them to write out all the ways they adapted to their difficult marriage. I asked them to write all the ways they told themselves things were not as bad as they were. What forms of denial did they use to keep things stable in their marriage? Asking these questions can help to determine if you are being truthful with yourself and, subsequently, what can be done to honestly face your challenges and overcome them.

Additional Steps to Take

First, be completely honest with yourself about your situation. As you consider your situation, are you fiercely candid with yourself? You cannot change what you do not own. You cannot change something if you don’t see the situation realistically. Write down the way things are. Talk to a friend about the facts of your situation.

Second, determine if you have been coping, adapting or accommodating. Write down the ways you have been coping and note the impact this coping has had on you. Explore why you have been coping instead of facing issues candidly. Again, honesty is critical.

Third, face your fears of telling yourself the truth. If you have been accommodating out of fear, acknowledge this to yourself, and perhaps a trusted friend or counselor. Take inventory on the impact this is having on you and your relationships. Acknowledge that accommodating out of fear keeps you trapped and reinforces a weakness in another.

Fourth, choose to act with integrity and honesty. Set out to interact in a healthier, clearer, and more honest manner. From your clear, calm, compassionate self, let your feelings inform you, not control you. As you listen to your feelings and discern a better course of action, you can address the problems with honesty. Every time you do this you will strengthen your inner self and will stop enabling a destructive process. Denial falls away and truth emerges.

Finally, stay the course. Perfect practice makes perfect. As you set out on this journey you will rediscover lost parts of yourself. As you stop adapting and accommodating others, you will come to know yourself better and have healthier, more honest relationships. You will find your relationships becoming more vibrant, alive, and filled with respect and integrity. From this new position, you will have more self-respect and will be better able to respect others.

Do you really want to be healed? Are you ready to give up harmful actions? If you would like our professional support, please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.

No, seriously. Marriage is the absolutely best place to grow. I know some of you may think I’ve lost my mind. “Marriage,” you say, “is the last place I grow. It’s the place I cope, struggle, work to recover from.”

I understand that. But let’s begin with a quiz. Just give the first answer that comes to your mind.

1. Who knows you better than anyone else?
2. Who has seen you at your absolute worst?
3. Who knows your darkest secrets?
4. Who knows your worst character traits?
5. Who has the greatest power to help you heal from emotional, relational, and even spiritual struggles?

WHO MARRIAGE WAS CREATED FOR

While some may waffle a bit with their answers, most will answer with one person: their mate. Even in the worst of relational times, we long to be understood and accepted by our mate. When the chips are down, we want encouragement from our mate. When we feel the most insecure, we often want healing counsel from our mate.

But wait a minute. Isn’t your mate the one person on Earth you’re most likely to argue with? Aren’t they the one you may feel most vulnerable with during times of intense conflict? Isn’t your mate the person with whom you often don’t want to share your darkest secrets?

In spite of these questions, I have great news. Our mate is THE person God has given us to be a helpmate. A ‘helpmate,’ according to God, is a person able to speak into, and even bring healing to, our most vulnerable and wounded areas. More than any other person on the planet, your mate has the potential to bring healing through your relationship with him or her.

Shortly after God created the heavens and the earth, he placed man in the garden he created. While the garden was beautiful and abundant in every way, something was missing. God declared, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Although enjoying the garden, I can imagine Adam being pretty excited about this new addition to creation.

WHAT MARRIAGE CAN BE

The historical record is clear—humankind would not always live in harmony. They would struggle and battle with each other. They would hurt one another. Still, God’s goal for man and wife was that they would help each other, defer to each other in love, and build each other up. Marriage was the place designed for great things to happen. So, in spite of the challenges you face, marriage is still an excellent place to grow. Consider the following:

 the place we cultivate transparency. Marriage may be a place we put down the heavy weight of our façade. No false persona and trying to be more than we are. This transparency has been proven to be an antidote to life’s stresses. Your mate may offer the opportunity to be fully known, understood, and accepted, and this is powerfully healing.  Marriage can be:

• the place where you cultivate vulnerability. Here, with the person who knows you better than anyone else, you can share your worst fears, deepest insecurities, and your most challenging struggles. Marriage, when functioning as God intended, is the safest place for you to share your most vulnerable self—and this is powerfully healing.
• the place where our character weaknesses are revealed and where we can work on them. Stress and challenge are the places where our weaknesses are exposed. If we pay attention, even in dark times we can learn and grow. While friendships offer a unique and critical component for healthy living, marriage is where our foibles and personality issues are exposed. Scripture encourages us to bear with one another’s weaknesses, (Romans 15:1) and there is no better place to do this than in marriage. No one knows what we need to work on like our mate, and they are in a unique position to be a powerful instrument of healing for those weaknesses.
• the place where we can offer encouragement where it is needed. While we may be angry with them, our mate needs something from us too. Again, Scripture challenges us to encourage and comfort others with the encouragement and comfort we have received (2 Corinthians 1:4). For many, the closest mission field is their home. We often enter marriage with a childhood filled with heartache, adolescence rife with struggle, and early married life filled with challenges.
• the place designed by God to share our burdens. It has been said that a burden shared is a burden split in two. Scripture says that we are to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We all long to cast our burdens, anxieties and concerns on a listening ear. Thankfully, we can do this within the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is indeed a place where we can lay our burdens down and feel restored.

No matter your circumstances (and I want to be clear that I never encourage tolerating abuse), might it be possible to view your challenges in a different way? Might your marriage be just the place, at least for now, to gain awareness of your strengths and weaknesses, and to grow? Seeing the mirror in your marriage puts an entirely new spin on marriage and the inherent advantages of married life, seeing your marriage as a place of opportunity, which it certainly can be.

If you want help getting your marriage to a place of encouragement and growth, we’re here for you! Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.

At the other end of ridiculousness is the picture of the action hero who gets shot twice, stabbed 4 times, thrown off a building, and pummeled for 10 straight minutes only to get up and save the day.

While both of these models of men might make for good mindless entertainment, neither of these are accurate and perhaps part of the reason we can’t fathom a world with men who are abused.

Why Men Who Are Abused Don’t Talk About It

Also unhelpful is the notion that men are always the perpetrators of abuse and mistreatment, but never the victim. As specialists in working with emotional abuse, much of the content we publish in our articles and videos refers to the man as the abuser and the woman as the victim. This is because, statistically speaking, men are more often the perpetrator of the abuse.

But we want to make it clear that this is not always the case. And we want to make provision for the healing of men’s hearts when they have been mistreated.

Being on the receiving end of mistreatment—whether physical or emotional—can be a difficult thing for men to talk about. The reasons for that are many, but some of the most common are:

1. The mythology mentioned above in which manhood is equated with being invulnerable, and words like “victimization” and “abused” are seen as emasculating.
2. Cultural mandates like, “Boys don’t cry,” and “Never let them see you sweat,” suggest that particular feelings like sadness or anxiety are signs of weakness and will result in a “losing” position.
3. The fear that if painful feelings are ever brought to the surface, they will be overwhelming and run out of control.

Men Who Are Abused Are Whole People

The problem with the list above is that it is dishonoring to men’s hearts and everything listed is founded on lies. Real men are whole people; not one-dimensional infants or cyborgs, but rather, people whose strength comes from emotional honesty and transparency.

Heroes are not people without fear, but people who push through fear to still show up for others. And feelings, while intense at times, don’t have to run amuck and govern our lives.

Men, if your heart has been mistreated and mishandled, there are some really good resources out there for you. If reading is your thing, consider Wild at Heart (Eldredge) or Heart of a Warrior (Thompson). And of course, we at the Marriage Recovery Center are also here to help. We want MRC to be a safe place where men and women both can bring their pain and find healing and hope.

Your heart matters to us. You matter to us.

At MRC we have several therapists that specialize in working with men who are abused.  We also have group programs for men lead by our therapists.  Some men find the support of comradery helpful in their recovery.

Our therapy is conducted virtually, so we can help you anywhere in the world with internet access.  So if you feel like you need extra support in this time, or you fit into the men who are abused category, please reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or contact our Client Care Team.

Common Thinking Errors

• Denial/Lying: Not admitting something that is true. There are 3 ways to lie: commission (saying something that is not true), omission (leaving out important information that we don’t want others to know about), and assent (pretending to agree or approve of others’ ideas and actions when we really don’t). We must speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and, of course, speak the truth in love.
• Excuse Making/Blaming: Finding a reason to justify behavior, to not be responsible or to diminish responsibility.
• Rationalizing/Justifying: Coming up with reasons to give ourselves permission to behave in a certain way. We rationalize our bad behaviors.
• “I’m Unique”: The belief that “my situation is different” allows us to believe that we are so unique and special that what applies to others doesn’t apply to us. This thinking error allows us to shut others out of our lives, believing that we don’t need help and that no one can understand us or our situation.
• Redefining/Vagueness: Shifting the focus off an issue we want to avoid or being purposefully vague. Sometimes this is subtle, sometimes obvious, always avoiding the real question.
• Black & White Thinking: This is seeing everything in a clear “black and white” perspective. Life is so complex that it produces a myriad of shades of gray in almost everything. Using black and white thinking allows us to rely on overly simplistic answers to try to answer complex questions. It reduces the complexity in many situations into something manageable but is still irrational and/or distorted. We use this to make things easier for us and to rationalize our choices. Some people say things like, “The Bible says…” but the Bible is also not always black and white, and it deals with us as the very complex people we are.
• Minimizing: Reducing the size, importance, or reality of something we’ve done.
• Grandiosity: This distorted thinking changes a situation into something so big or overwhelming that it allows us to avoid responsibility in some way or allows or fosters unhealthy behavior. Example: “I’m so good that even if I get caught, I can always talk my way out of it!”
• Crisis: When we’re always in crisis, the crisis distorts responsibility, so it gives us permission to act in a distorted way.
• Magical Thinking: Using thinking that has no basis in reality as an explanation for something. Often this thinking allows us to believe things we want that are not probable. “Everything will always be fine, no matter what.”
• Assuming: Assuming is the opposite of understanding. When we assume, we presume to know what others think or feel without real awareness of the facts. Assuming to know another person’s motives is often used as an excuse for our bad behaviors.
• Anger/Power-Playing: Anger is a normal emotion. However, this thinking/behavior is employed as a way to have control and/or manipulate others. It also allows us to avoid really facing an issue by using anger to deflect. Power-playing can either be aggressive or passive-aggressive. The intent is always to get our own way.
• Closing:This is thinking/behavior that is secretive or closed. It is used to distort reality by not facing it. It is also not being open to feedback from others. Using this thinking error at times allows us to feel a distorted power by concealing the truth. “I simply won’t talk about it.”
• Entitlement/Ownership:This thinking allows us to feel entitled to privileges based on our own distorted thinking. Such thinking causes us to, at times, feel ownership over people, things, or situations. It allows us to treat others like objects and justifies inappropriate and hurtful behavior.

All of these thinking errors are destructive, and God loves us too much to allow us to continue down a destructive path. God desires transformation for all of us.

The Bible is full of transformational language. Scripture tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We are created in God’s image, but we have fallen into disrepair and are overcome by our thinking errors. Thankfully, God is in the business of renovating our thinking.

Six Elements of Renewing Our Thinking Errors

1. Learning the truth: Transformation requires learning the truth. John 14:6, Ephesians 4:14-15, and 2 Timothy 3:16-17 talk about what truth is and how we can be transformed by knowing it.
2. Cleaning house: We must get rid of all of the thoughts and thinking errors that hinder us and do not serve us. Transformation requires cleaning house.
3. New thinking: We must be a people with a passion to be transformed by God. God does not force change upon us. We must choose to put on the new way of thinking and to put away the former way of life. We don’t just get rid of bad thinking habits; we replace bad habits with good ones.
4. Coaching: Transformation requires coaching. Professional athletes and those at the top of their game have coaches. A coach is concerned not only with your individual ability, but also how it benefits the team. We are not just individuals; we belong and live in community with others.
5. Honest community: Change requires living as part of an honest community. We need a safe place to be, where others will speak the truth in love. We need trusted Christian friends who can confront our thinking errors.
6. Faith: “Now, glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us, is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.” (Ephesians 3:20, The Living Bible). Transformation requires faith in God. How can you build your faith so that you can reap the promises in Ephesians 3:20?

If you struggle with any of the thinking errors listed above, we at the Marriage Recovery Center can help! We would be happy to help you cultivate new, healthy thoughts that lead to changed behaviors and improved relationships. Please give our office a call at (206) 219-0145 for more information or contact our Client Care Team.