What is Covert Abuse?

Why do we call it covert abuse? Because it’s subtle. And it usually happens behind closed doors. The perpetrator is often a well-liked and respected leader in the community who presents one persona in public and a very different one in private. Covert abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises or marks, so this form of violence often goes undetected, even by friends and family members who are close to the victim.

What does covert abuse look like? It takes the form of constantly blaming, criticizing, accusing, telling the other person that they’re wrong, scoffing at them, scolding them, and, essentially, diminishing what the other person thinks and feels. It can also be in the form of pouting, withdrawing, and withholding love. Now you may think, what real harm can that cause? I would say there is tremendous harm caused by these actions! It’s not easy to understand the debilitating impact of cognitive dissonance – the result when someone says they love you yet constantly criticizes you and makes you feel worthless. Can you imagine the inner chaos that creates?

Any attempt to share this information with friends, family members, and even pastors, leaves victims of emotional abuse feeling dismissed, blamed, and completely isolated. They’re often told that they’re making too much of things, that they just need to pray about it, or they’re given books to learn what they can do to be a better spouse and make things better. For victims of covert emotional abuse, the result is confusion, isolation, a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety, and physical symptoms resembling PTSD.

So, if you can relate to any of these things, the first thing you must do is to get  honest with yourself.  In order to heal, you must first name the problem for what it is. The truth will hurt, but it will set you free.

8 Examples of Covert Abuse

Here are some ways to know if you are in a relationship with a covert abuser.

• Constant criticism and humiliation: Nothing you do is good enough for him or her.
• Overt and covert control: Everything must be done the way he or she wants.
• Taking themselves too seriously: Even the slightest affront becomes trouble for you.
• Name calling/rage reactions: When challenged or frustrated, his or her inner six-year-old comes out and throws a tantrum.
• Emotional Distance: When hurt, he or she will punish you by withdrawing/stonewalling.
• Playing the victim: Whatever problem you have, his or hers is bigger and worse.
• Viewing you as an extension of himself/herself: He or she cannot/will not see you as an individual. You are an extension of his or her wants and desires.
• Subtle or overt threats: Failure to conform leads to threats to your emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical safety. 

Do any of these traits sound like you or your partner? If you feel like you’ve been stumbling along a dark path and every sign along the way only seems to lead to more confusion, give us a call. We can help you make sense of what’s happening and gain clarity on how to find your way out of the mess and move forward in your healing. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Marriage Evaluation. You can also click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.

It may be that you’re not feeling hopeful or confident that this new year will be any different from the last, especially when the last was compounded by the uncertainty between the pandemic and political unrest. You’re tired of hoping for change and connection. Your life has been reduced to a series of survival attempts from one day to the next. There comes a day when the reality of that either destroys you or awakens a fierce anger in you or maybe both.

A New You for the New Year

Listen to your heart.

What do you do when this is your story? How do you find life again? How do you grasp hope? Where do you even begin to attempt to write a different story? It begins with imagination and vision. Imagine an awakening that gives birth to determination to break free of the imprisonment in which you’ve been living. Now imagine that you have the capacity to carry out that feat. It is possible!

I’ve found that it helps many people to be able to name their experience. If narcissistic abuse is part of your story, the name for your experience is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. This label captures everything you’re feeling as the result of the trauma of living under intense stress and oppression from a narcissist. The label doesn’t define you, but it is meant to serve as a launching point for how to find healing. The path often begins with learning to listen to your heart again and believing that what it says is valuable.

Depending on how deeply you’ve been wounded, it may take a long time to hear and trust yourself. Maybe a good place to start is simply to name how you’ve been harmed and give yourself permission to feel the hurts that you’ve been told were ridiculous or blown out of proportion. Grieve the losses of what can never be repaid and break your agreements with the false assumptions and lies you’ve come to believe along the way. Sort out what is truth. This is a process; it will take time.

Rediscover Yourself.

At the same time, begin to define your sense of self based upon truth. What are the character qualities that make up who you are? Pay attention to your thinking and be intentional about walking out those character qualities you want to be. Set a new path and take one small step each day in the direction you want to go, without letting yourself get overwhelmed with what-ifs and what you can’t control. Let yourself believe in you again, even if it’s just a little at a time. Eventually, over time, you will be at a different place than you are right now, simply because you put one foot in front of the other and headed down a new path.

I am not saying it is easy. But this is just the beginning of a life-long process of guarding your heart and paying attention to your path. One of the greatest investments you can make in that process is finding someone who can coach you through the hard stuff.

Take a Step Towards Healing.

Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in helping to untangle the chaos that emotional or narcissistic abuse wreaks on your heart and your marriage. While our goal is restoration for marriages, we recognize that reconciliation requires both partners to commit to change. If you are left alone to deal with the heartache in your marriage, or are separated or divorced, hope and healing are possible for you as well. Let us help you chart a new course as you head into the new year! Call our office at (206) 219-0145 or email us at frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and we’ll help you get started on a new path!

So, here’s my answer:  Both narcissism and codependence are anchored in misplaced responsibility.

The Responsibility For Your Life Falls On You (and only you)

Both extremes rely upon an external frame of reference to determine their next steps.  That is, they rely on other people, circumstances, belief systems, and past experiences to determine how they show up in the world.  It takes great courage, intentionality and wisdom to choose your next steps based on who you are and how you want to show up.  It is much easier to resort to complacency… and ultimately the destructive behaviors that destroy relationships.

Both ends of this spectrum make excuses for their behavior based upon what has been done to them, how the world has acted upon them, rather than how they can act upon the world.  This encapsulates victim mentality, and is rooted in fear. Those on the narcissistic end of the spectrum use anger and entitlement to control and subdue what they fear.  Those on the codependent side use false peace-making to control and subdue what they fear.  Both sides are in hiding and blame external forces for their inability to change.  They place the responsibility for their internal world fully on the shoulders of the external world around them… and thus do not take responsibility for their own thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.

Misplaced Responsibility

The most simple definition of misplaced responsibility is when someone blames others for their short comings.  It’s easy to blame our spouse, our kids, our upbringing, our job and others for our problems. The problem is, when we don’t see our own role in how we got here, we can’t change the very thing that is causing our world to fall apart.

Other examples of misplaced responsibility include:

• Blaming your spouse for your infidelity and porn addiction.
• Criticizing and berating someone because they hold opinions and beliefs different from yours.
• Doing whatever it takes to “keep the peace” because you don’t want to “set off” your spouse, which means learning to silence your voice and hide your heart.
• Not expressing what you think, feel, or need because your spouse sees these things as starting a fight, complaining or being needy. In other words, you are taught that you ought not think, feel or need anything.

The idea that we are simply victims of our circumstances makes for an easy excuse for destructive and self-destructive behaviors.  Again, if you consider both The Narcissist and The Codependent, ultimately both extremes are grounded in hiding and self-protection.  Both try to get what they want in controlling, manipulative ways in order to protect themselves.  There is a prevailing myth that hiding who we really are will mean safety, security, and love.  And THAT is where the self-destruction is relevant:  We are not meant to be alone, but when we hide ourselves, we are ultimately responsible for our aloneness.

There is an unofficial diagnosis called Responsibility Deficit Disorder.  According to Paul E. Olsen, MS, the criteria that distinguishes someone who has been diagnosed with this condition are:

1. The inability to realize that only the choices one makes now…determines the quality of one’s life –not mom’s neglect, dad’s alcoholism, your spouse’s controlling behavior, nor the boss’ criticism.
2. Relentlessly blamingother people, circumstances, or the month or year in which you were born for your feelings and your lot in life.
3. The unfounded and unrealistic belief that by trying to change others, rather than self, life can be happier or more rewarding.
4. A disbelief in the fact that what we think(what we tell ourselves) is the cause of our emotional problems (except for rare cases of chemical brain malfunction or brain damage).

(Olsen, Paul E. (1996). Responsibility Deficit Disorder. [Online]. Perspectives. [1996, November 15].)

There are many similarities between what Olsen describes and victim mentality, or victim syndrome.

Dr. Robert Leahy, PhD and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, has named these characteristics of victim-oriented thinking:

1. You feel powerless, unable to solve a problem or cope effectively with it.
2. You tend to see your problems as catastrophes.
3. You tend to think others are purposefully trying to hurt you.
4. You believe you alone are targeted for mistreatment.
5. You hold tightly to thoughts and feelings related to being a victim.  You also refuse to consider other perspectives for how to think about and for how to cope with your problems.
6. As a victim, you feel compelled to keep painful memories alive, not forgive, and take revenge.

So why do so many people choose to believe thoughts that keep them trapped, powerless and fearful? Because there are benefits to maintaining a victim mentality!  It’s easier to point fingers when something goes wrong. When the outcome is bad, you’d rather believe the cause was someone or something else than take responsibility.  Changing ourselves is hard!!  It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy and there is too much at stake!

A Breakthrough for Healing

The point I want to make is this:  We all have many valid reasons for doing what we do, but remaining in a victim mentality, regardless of whatever label we give it, we become obstacles to our own healing.

If you truly want healing, you will have to stop finger pointing and turn the focus on yourself, on your responsibility to show up as the person God created, purposed and called you to be.  Each of us is responsible for the person we are inviting others to relate to.

The question you are probably asking is: How? How do I come out of hiding with strength, courage, and a steadfast heart?  How do I show up? How do I operate within the circumstances I find myself caught up in?  How do I break free of the strongholds that are destroying me/us?

Here are some suggestions for how to begin this process:

• Show up everyday as the person you know God created you to be. Be yourself, not what you believe you “should” be or have been told you should be.
• Live life intentionally, choosing what you participate in and don’t participate in.
• Fill your mind with truth until it becomes louder than the lies and fear that have held you captive in isolation and hiding.
• Build relationships that are centered on freedom, reciprocity, and mutuality as God designed.
• Bring greater authenticity (your thoughts, feelings and hopes) to the table, which correlates to deeper connection.

If you want to understand how misplaced responsibility may be sabotaging your healing and relationships, call our office at (206) 219-0145 to schedule a Mini Intensive or click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to learn more about our services.

Understanding Trauma

Most of us think of trauma as an event that caused us significant distress. In the fields of physical medicine and psychology, trauma is the injury or damage sustained by an individual, from an event, or series of events. This is an important distinction to make, because treatment focuses on healing these damages – perhaps also on mitigation or avoidance of future injury – but does not attempt to change or reverse the event itself, which has already passed. Trauma is not the overwhelming event itself, but the adverse effects and damage to the individual.

It’s somewhat easier to comprehend trauma and treatment of trauma in the context of physical injuries because physical injuries are in many cases visible, or easily identified by the symptoms. Psychological trauma is much more difficult to define, recognize, or measure, because the effects on the psyche aren’t as apparent.  There isn’t a clear, direct connection between the injury and the symptoms. However, there are a variety of diagnostic tools that behavioral health clinicians use to identify and measure the effects of psychological trauma on an individual.

Let me first provide a precise definition of trauma. Trauma occurs when the following three criteria are true. First, exposure to an event, or series of events, that harms or threatens harm (physical or psychological). Second, this event overwhelms the individual’s ability to respond, escape, or make it stop. Third, reactions or adaptations resulting from exposure to the event creates significant difficulty in functioning.

“It’s not about what we have experienced in our lives, but how we come to understand it.”  – Mary Main

Mary Main, a psychologist and researcher in the field of attachment, distinguishes between “resolved” and “unresolved” trauma. This means that although someone may experience a particularly traumatic series of events, and develop adverse coping strategies or experience impact in certain areas of their lives, there is hope of recovery and significant change.

2 Keys to Recovering From Trauma

Now you may be wondering why some people seem to be more adversely affected by negative experiences than others who are able to recover fairly quickly.  Two mitigating factors that play a very important role in the recovery process are support and resiliency.   “Support” is the recognition and validation of not only our experience, but of our emotional response to these experiences.

Imagine receiving particularly devastating news, or experiencing something distressing. Who do you go to first?  These are the people in our lives who “get it” and are most likely to affirm your experience and your emotions.  Some people have more of this type of supports in their lives – through family, friends and social groups, while others have very little support.

Resilience, the second factor in how well people recover from trauma, is a measure of how much adversity and stress a person can manage without becoming dysregulated. It is also a measure of an individual’s capacity for flexibility, acceptance, and adaptation in the face of adversity and stress. Resilience is not innate; it is developed over time. Developmental factors, especially the quality of our earliest relationships in life, play a huge role in acquisition of resilience. Resilience can also diminish over time. Factors such as lack of access to support, abuse, changes in physical health, and chronic stress can decrease resilience significantly.

Therapy and behavioral interventions can be very effective in the treatment of trauma. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we offer a Trauma Recovery Sessions Package to guide you through the recovery process, starting with a thorough, in-depth assessment of your trauma response, leading into a customized plan to help you move beyond the trauma and heal.  For more information, please reach out to our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145.

The Mayo Clinic defines Borderline Personality Disorder as “a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.”  A more compact definition used by ICD-9 is “A disorder characterized by extreme black and white thinking and turbulent relationships. (ICD-9: 301.83)

“We were created for connection, and when that connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.”

The more I’ve studied psychology, and the deeper I’ve dived into peoples’ stories, the more convinced I am that every psychological disorder, including  BPD, has its basis in attachment disruption. Every dysfunction seems to stem from a root of neglect, abandonment and abuse. This thought brings me to the account in Genesis that began with God saying it was not good for man to be alone.  God’s solution to the problem of loneliness was about much more than simply providing a companion.  It was about attachment, which was designed to be permanent. At our core, we were created to be connected.  And when connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.

The attachment issue is critical to relationship development, and also to relationship dysfunction. BPD, for example, is marked by the inability to cope with rejection or abandonment. There is a very strong correlation between the self-protective behaviors (which are also often self-destructive) used to identify BPD and normal responses to the relational trauma of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and unmet needs. In other words, emotional abuse will elicit many of the same behaviors used to diagnose BPD.

The constant power and control tactics of narcissistic abusers cause victims to lose their sense of self and eventually leave them numb, empty, and utterly confused. What ensues is self-image issues and dysfunctional choices resulting from a relational frame of reference that is based upon a faulty, trauma-informed internal narrative.  The victim experiences cognitive dissonance between a sense of hyper-independence because they are left to fend for themselves, and a desperate clinging from fear of abandonment.  This “no one can be trusted” and “it’s all up to me” belief system impairs their ability to cultivate healthy connection.  There is no reciprocity or mutuality in their thinking, therefore there is no reciprocity or mutuality in their relationships.

How trauma impacts attachment formation

Past trauma to attachment formation compounds the problem because every gap in understanding gets filled with suspicion and threat to their sense of self and belonging. And those behaviors are pervasive when perpetuated/triggered by continued trauma, including perceived threats.  Trauma teaches the brain to perceive everything as a threat.  Even what would normally be seen as “good” or “normal” is viewed with suspicion, looking for the attached string.   Their internal chaos is fed by the narrative of threats within the external relationships which are then acted out with dysfunctional behavior intended to protect themselves from the threat of abandonment.

This can look like making claims that they are “made to do” the harmful, destructive or coercive things they do in response to any behavior they perceive as rejection/abandonment. Examples could be deleting all friends of the opposite sex from their spouse’s social media account, or harming (or threatening to harm) oneself so their mate has to spend the evening taking care of them.  He or she doesn’t accept someone else’s “No, I don’t want to be with you” and works hard to control the relationship to either make them stay in it or attempt to control their other relationships to isolate them.  They may act on a faulty belief that hurting the person they love will make that person stay in the relationship.  And in all of this there is no awareness that their own behavior is self-destructive and sabotaging the very thing they are desperate to fix.  They do not feel connected to their life, let alone the people around them.

So what then, is the answer?

How does one begin to heal from this kind of dysfunction? Healing requires an ownership mindset of self-efficacy and agency, within a context of strong, healthy boundaries. It also requires separating from current abuse and creating a safe space to heal.  It requires learning to regulate your internal environment with grounded, healthy skills rather than frantic, reactive self-destructive habits.  Approaches such as DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and other trauma therapies work effectively for this. The goal is to find and rebuild the self that has been lost and abandoned.  It is also to regain the ability to attach appropriately in relationships.

If you are plagued by fear of abandonment, are unable to regulate your emotions, and find yourself acting out in ways that are destructive to yourself and your relationships, we would love to help you break free from the vicious cycles.  We offer emotional abuse trauma recovery programs, as well as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy led by trauma specialists. Contact us today through our website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or email us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist who will help you get started.

My husband has narcissistic personality traits and has been told by a pastor that he is actually on the disorder side of the spectrum. I am working with multiple elders and my adult children to set up an intervention. We have been married 32+ years and he is poised to walk away rather than have a family meeting to talk things through. Things have gotten exponentially worse the last 6 months because he started totally secluding himself.

We are both Christians who don’t believe in divorce, but I realize I have to take a stand for change because he has always been staunchly against outside help, saying if I would be the wife I should be, we would have no problems! What are some angles we can use to get him to an intervention?

A:

Because it sounds like he has historically been opposed to counsel or help, you may not be able to “get him” to an intervention. In this case, you will have to “bring” the intervention to him. Your plan will probably have to be launched as a surprise, rather than an agreed-upon meeting.

Totally secluding oneself is akin to divorce. It is abandonment and neglect of the relationship. There is little left when the only difference in your relationship is a judge’s signature on the certificate of marriage vs. the certificate of divorce. In other words, it is a divorce of the relationship of the marriage without the divorce of the institution of the marriage.

If it is true that he does not believe in divorce, this could be the first point to bring up to express the gravity of the situation and hopefully get his attention. Because you are right, taking a stand is the only way to bring change to the status quo.

Purpose of an Intervention

The purpose of an intervention is to provide an unmistakable confrontation of destructive behavior in a context in which the person responsible cannot avoid seeing the results of their behavior.

In your case, it would be to paint a very clear picture that a relationship is more important to you than the institution of marriage. You are no longer willing to simply be married in name only, and you require that specific behavioral dynamics change so connection can happen. The element of surprise will make it difficult to ignore, deflect, deny, and excuse.

An intervention is intentional and strategic. That means there must be thoughtful planning and a commitment to see the process through. You will need to have a clear definition of what it is you can no longer tolerate, and identify the ways you will no longer enable the destructive patterns, including what boundaries you’ll employ to stay grounded, sane, and safe.

It is important to be lay out the options you’ve decided on based upon the response to the intervention, including a safety plan in case things go awry. The goal will be to invite him into a change process that will result in a better relationship. It helps immensely to have Godly counsel, a skilled facilitator, and people in your corner to help you see your way through, too.

Practical Steps to an Intervention

Here are the practical steps to an intervention:

·       Prepare by reflecting on, and writing out, what it’s been like to be married to your spouse. Look at what you’ve lost and how you’ve been changed along the way. Who have you become? What part of you needs to be recovered?

·       Identify what specific behaviors you will no longer tolerate and the changes you want. For example, isolation and refusing to have collaborative conversations will not create a connected relationship. In this case, the change you’d request is that the two of you agree on the rules of engagement needed to enable meaningful conversations that end in healthy resolutions.

·       Identify and implement boundaries that will keep you grounded, able to think clearly, and stay congruent with who you want to be. Also identify the consequences that will occur when those boundaries are crossed, and be ready to carry them out. For example, if he always acts out during car rides because he knows you’re a captive audience, drive separate cars even if you are going to the same destination.

·       Consult with Godly, wise counsel and a qualified facilitator in order to identify the level of intervention needed, and to make an appropriate plan. In other words, will this be a simple confrontation, or will it require a separation plan, a full team of people who regularly stay involved to provide accountability and mentoring, and potential legal action of some sort?

·       Carry out the intervention. When you’ve done the background work above, decide on a time to confront him. Make sure you have a witness present, and present him with your concerns, your requests for change, and the options you’re prepared to follow through on. Invite your spouse to join you in coming up with a collaborative solution.

·       Require that your spouse be involved in follow-up deep counseling to change his or her destructive behavior.

If you present this crossroad to your spouse, you’ll also need to be ready for whatever comes of it. While our goal is to bring about a breakthrough which ends his or her overwhelming behavior, there is a chance that hard-heartedness may still get in the way. Present your case and wait to see what comes of it.

It may not end the way you hope, but at least you’ll know who your spouse really is where the rubber meets the road. No more guessing, no more carrying the weight of trying to make him or her change. Whichever way your spouse chooses to go, you still get to begin your healing journey based upon a foundation of truth.

We have counselors on staff who specialize in intervention planning and would love to help you. We offer an Intervention Planning Intensive to work through the practical steps of the intervention. Contact our Client Care Team to learn more.Do you have a question or concern about your relationship that you’d like us to address? Our Ask Us series answers reader-submitted questions. Submit your own question here and one of our therapists or coaches might address it in an upcoming blog or video.

If only their spouse could be awakened to the harm and pain and dysfunction! That’s the desperate plea behind the desire to do an intervention. And it’s true that an intervention can be effective in bringing such an awakening. It’s also true that it’s only as effective as the planning and follow-through. In other words, it holds no weight if there isn’t a clear confrontation and an actionable plan to be put into motion immediately following the intervention.

Steps to an Intervention

If you’ve been wondering if an intervention might be the next step for you, these are the important basics to consider beforehand:

1. Identify and clarify your non-negotiables. These are the things you believe must change in order for you to stay engaged in the relationship. What needs to happen? What level of change (i.e. how much?) Exactly, specifically what is it that you are no longer willing to tolerate in your life?

2. Have a clear plan. Take the time to think about where YOU are heading. What are you putting into place in order to intentionally change the trajectory of your life and the state of your health (emotional and otherwise)? What are you asking of your spouse?

3. What are the outcome options? Determine the possible alternative paths, one of which you will take depending upon your spouse’s response to the intervention. What will happen if he or she agrees to the work that needs to be done to salvage the relationship? What will happen if he or she rejects the invitation to change? Be ready to put either plan into motion.

4. Involve witnesses. This is a safety feature, as well as accountability. Think about who you could have present to provide a witness to the interaction, lend safety to the situation, and possibly influence the outcome. Whose presence could help bolster your confidence in saying what needed to be said and following through?

5. Have a safety plan in place. Be ready (and give yourself permission) to disengage and get to safety if necessary. This could mean preparing your witnesses to step in, if willing and able. It might mean having a bag packed in the car and the car keys in your pocket. It might mean having the police on speed dial.

6. Have a professional trained in navigating emotional abuse help you plan the intervention and navigate the ensuing process. If your spouse is used to using fear and intimidation to keep doing what they’ve always done, you can expect him or her to respond with those same tactics. Having someone trained to recognize the impact of powering-over within relationships can be a huge source of encouragement and direction for you. They can provide on-going assistance to stay focused, grounded, and intentional in your growth and, hopefully, reconnection.

Mean What You Say

When it comes to an intervention, it is imperative that you say what you mean and mean what you say. This is an ultimatum! You are drawing a line in the sand and taking responsibility for your own part in becoming healthy. As much as we hope the intervention will awaken them to take the same responsibility in a positive, growth-oriented direction, you will need to be prepared to follow through if they do not. Otherwise, all this effort will boil down to simply another fight that ended nowhere.

We would love to help you avoid that! We’ve created an Intervention Planning Intensive to specifically help you walk through the steps listed above. If you’d like more information about this, or want to get signed up, please contact our Client Care Team here or call (206) 219-0145.

Genesis 3: 9-12 records that as the snake engaged Eve in conversation, Adam was present, witnessing the exchange. As we all know, the outcome of Eve’s encounter with Satan was that she believed his lie, acted against the instructions God had given them, and invited Adam into the same sin. Adam then made the same choice as Eve. When God confronted the pair, Adam blamed Eve for his choice and indirectly blamed God (“the woman You gave me”), while Eve blamed the serpent for his deception. In the end, both Adam and Eve sinned against God, but also against one another in very specific ways.

What Adam Learns from Eve’s Behavior

Consider how Adam was wounded in the garden. Eve has made a terrible choice—one that will cost her both her life and home. And now it is Adam’s turn to choose: his marriage and the companionship of Eve or his place in Eden. He chooses the woman. The woman who has put him in this position by her bad judgment and the use of her influence with him. We know that Adam implies that Eve is responsible for his downfall. His statement reveals one of two possibilities:

• He knew that his choice was not Eve’s fault (she was not holding a gun to his head) but chose to blameshift as a way of not dealing with his own part in what happened.

OR

• He actually held Eve responsible for the choice he made.

If the latter is true, then several negative beliefs/consequences would have entered Adam’s heart from wounding, and it is these beliefs that were passed down to every son of Adam since.

• Eve (women) will hurt you, betray you, and lead you into ruin.
• Eve was not a good thing and God is to blame for giving her to him.
• These beliefs create suspicion of Eve and lead to viewing her as manipulative and as an enemy.
• They also create suspicion of love and lead to hesitancy to reveal oneself, the slowness to commit, and the belief that relationships are more costly than they’re worth.
• These thoughts create hostility between them—a “sleeping with the enemy” scenario wherein Adam believes that loving Eve will make him vulnerable to acting in ways he normally wouldn’t, acting to his own detriment.

So men, my question for you is whether you’re able to identify any of these same beliefs and practices in your own heart. If so, what is the fruit of that in your marriage now? What are your core beliefs about women in general and your wife in particular? To what degree do you hold back your heart out of fear of the cost? Do you have difficulty trusting that your wife is for you and not against you?

What Eve Learns from Adam’s Behavior

Eve was wounded in the garden because of Adam’s passivity. He watched the serpent confront her and listened to the smooth lies and manipulation that were spun. And he did nothing. Eve’s takeaway from Adam’s failure to rise up and intervene in the encounter with Satan include:

• Adam (men) will passively stand by rather than act to protect you. This creates suspicion towards Adam and results in self-protective and/or controlling behavior. Many women don’t trust men to take care of things, to take care of them. This creates nagging, over-responsibility, and falsely independent behavior.
• Adam will blame you for decisions that he makes (e.g. she made me do it)
• Adam will see you as a good thing only up to the point that you make a mistake or cost him something. This produces the phenomenon where women work hard at keeping men because they fear the loss of his affection if they have flaws or if they cost him too much.

Women, do you see yourselves anywhere in this? What do you believe about men in general and your husband in particular? Will he come through for you? What sort of self-protective measures are you taking if you believe that he won’t? To what degree do you fear abandonment, and how does that fear drive your behavior?

Your Marriage Can be Repaired!

What was broken in Eden’s fall can be repaired. Men and women can be restored to one another. Marriages can flourish in love and trust, partnership and companionship. It takes work and a willingness to examine ourselves and our relationships in order to root out the wounding that was done all those generations ago. And we, here at the Marriage Recovery Center, are here to help. We invite you into healing and having a marriage that is worth having. To learn more contact our Client Care Team here.

Sandra and Tom

Sandra and Tom came to The Marriage Recovery Center after years of trying short stints of marriage counseling. They had done what many couples do: reach a crisis point in their marriage, seek short term help, and drop out of counseling, only to repeat the pattern a few years later.

“I always thought that coping with my marriage problems was a sign of strength,” the weary, 43 year old mother of three told me. “I could always find the strength to keep plowing forward, even though my marriage problems remained unchanged.”

“You went to counseling at times, right?” I asked.

“Yes, but each time we only went for a few sessions. Our schedules got in the way and I think Tom became uncomfortable when he was confronted. So, I adapted to our situation, telling myself it wasn’t all that bad.”

“Was that really the truth?” I said, looking firmly at Sandra.

She paused, letting the magnitude of the problem sink in.   “Yes and no,” she said. Again, she paused and looked at her husband, who was sitting and listening to her patiently. “I think I found ways to explain our problems away. I told myself that all couples go through tough times. I told myself that things were not as bad as they were. I told myself that if I pushed Tom he would leave me, and I really didn’t want that.”

“Yes,” I said. “Many couples endure really bad times and tell themselves it is not so bad. That’s called denial: Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying to myself. We all endure lots of pain to keep things going just the way they are. We cope, adapt and accommodate, all the while killing ourselves and our marriages, and tell ourselves we are doing something good. This all prevents real change.”

Scripture tells us that the truth will set us free. (John 8:32) It is actually facing the truth and applying it to our lives that will set us free.

I then asked Sandra and Tom to do something that is often quite painful. I asked them to write out all the ways they adapted to their difficult marriage. I asked them to write all the ways they told themselves things were not as bad as they were. What forms of denial did they use to keep things stable in their marriage? Asking these questions can help to determine if you are being truthful with yourself and, subsequently, what can be done to honestly face your challenges and overcome them.

Additional Steps to Take

First, be completely honest with yourself about your situation. As you consider your situation, are you fiercely candid with yourself? You cannot change what you do not own. You cannot change something if you don’t see the situation realistically. Write down the way things are. Talk to a friend about the facts of your situation.

Second, determine if you have been coping, adapting or accommodating. Write down the ways you have been coping and note the impact this coping has had on you. Explore why you have been coping instead of facing issues candidly. Again, honesty is critical.

Third, face your fears of telling yourself the truth. If you have been accommodating out of fear, acknowledge this to yourself, and perhaps a trusted friend or counselor. Take inventory on the impact this is having on you and your relationships. Acknowledge that accommodating out of fear keeps you trapped and reinforces a weakness in another.

Fourth, choose to act with integrity and honesty. Set out to interact in a healthier, clearer, and more honest manner. From your clear, calm, compassionate self, let your feelings inform you, not control you. As you listen to your feelings and discern a better course of action, you can address the problems with honesty. Every time you do this you will strengthen your inner self and will stop enabling a destructive process. Denial falls away and truth emerges.

Finally, stay the course. Perfect practice makes perfect. As you set out on this journey you will rediscover lost parts of yourself. As you stop adapting and accommodating others, you will come to know yourself better and have healthier, more honest relationships. You will find your relationships becoming more vibrant, alive, and filled with respect and integrity. From this new position, you will have more self-respect and will be better able to respect others.

Do you really want to be healed? Are you ready to give up harmful actions? If you would like our professional support, please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.

No, seriously. Marriage is the absolutely best place to grow. I know some of you may think I’ve lost my mind. “Marriage,” you say, “is the last place I grow. It’s the place I cope, struggle, work to recover from.”

I understand that. But let’s begin with a quiz. Just give the first answer that comes to your mind.

1. Who knows you better than anyone else?
2. Who has seen you at your absolute worst?
3. Who knows your darkest secrets?
4. Who knows your worst character traits?
5. Who has the greatest power to help you heal from emotional, relational, and even spiritual struggles?

WHO MARRIAGE WAS CREATED FOR

While some may waffle a bit with their answers, most will answer with one person: their mate. Even in the worst of relational times, we long to be understood and accepted by our mate. When the chips are down, we want encouragement from our mate. When we feel the most insecure, we often want healing counsel from our mate.

But wait a minute. Isn’t your mate the one person on Earth you’re most likely to argue with? Aren’t they the one you may feel most vulnerable with during times of intense conflict? Isn’t your mate the person with whom you often don’t want to share your darkest secrets?

In spite of these questions, I have great news. Our mate is THE person God has given us to be a helpmate. A ‘helpmate,’ according to God, is a person able to speak into, and even bring healing to, our most vulnerable and wounded areas. More than any other person on the planet, your mate has the potential to bring healing through your relationship with him or her.

Shortly after God created the heavens and the earth, he placed man in the garden he created. While the garden was beautiful and abundant in every way, something was missing. God declared, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Although enjoying the garden, I can imagine Adam being pretty excited about this new addition to creation.

WHAT MARRIAGE CAN BE

The historical record is clear—humankind would not always live in harmony. They would struggle and battle with each other. They would hurt one another. Still, God’s goal for man and wife was that they would help each other, defer to each other in love, and build each other up. Marriage was the place designed for great things to happen. So, in spite of the challenges you face, marriage is still an excellent place to grow. Consider the following:

 the place we cultivate transparency. Marriage may be a place we put down the heavy weight of our façade. No false persona and trying to be more than we are. This transparency has been proven to be an antidote to life’s stresses. Your mate may offer the opportunity to be fully known, understood, and accepted, and this is powerfully healing.  Marriage can be:

• the place where you cultivate vulnerability. Here, with the person who knows you better than anyone else, you can share your worst fears, deepest insecurities, and your most challenging struggles. Marriage, when functioning as God intended, is the safest place for you to share your most vulnerable self—and this is powerfully healing.
• the place where our character weaknesses are revealed and where we can work on them. Stress and challenge are the places where our weaknesses are exposed. If we pay attention, even in dark times we can learn and grow. While friendships offer a unique and critical component for healthy living, marriage is where our foibles and personality issues are exposed. Scripture encourages us to bear with one another’s weaknesses, (Romans 15:1) and there is no better place to do this than in marriage. No one knows what we need to work on like our mate, and they are in a unique position to be a powerful instrument of healing for those weaknesses.
• the place where we can offer encouragement where it is needed. While we may be angry with them, our mate needs something from us too. Again, Scripture challenges us to encourage and comfort others with the encouragement and comfort we have received (2 Corinthians 1:4). For many, the closest mission field is their home. We often enter marriage with a childhood filled with heartache, adolescence rife with struggle, and early married life filled with challenges.
• the place designed by God to share our burdens. It has been said that a burden shared is a burden split in two. Scripture says that we are to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We all long to cast our burdens, anxieties and concerns on a listening ear. Thankfully, we can do this within the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is indeed a place where we can lay our burdens down and feel restored.

No matter your circumstances (and I want to be clear that I never encourage tolerating abuse), might it be possible to view your challenges in a different way? Might your marriage be just the place, at least for now, to gain awareness of your strengths and weaknesses, and to grow? Seeing the mirror in your marriage puts an entirely new spin on marriage and the inherent advantages of married life, seeing your marriage as a place of opportunity, which it certainly can be.

If you want help getting your marriage to a place of encouragement and growth, we’re here for you! Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.