acf domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6131premium-addons-for-elementor domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6131It may be that you’re not feeling hopeful or confident that this new year will be any different from the last, especially when the last was compounded by the uncertainty between the pandemic and political unrest. You’re tired of hoping for change and connection. Your life has been reduced to a series of survival attempts from one day to the next. There comes a day when the reality of that either destroys you or awakens a fierce anger in you or maybe both.
Listen to your heart.
What do you do when this is your story? How do you find life again? How do you grasp hope? Where do you even begin to attempt to write a different story? It begins with imagination and vision. Imagine an awakening that gives birth to determination to break free of the imprisonment in which you’ve been living. Now imagine that you have the capacity to carry out that feat. It is possible!
I’ve found that it helps many people to be able to name their experience. If narcissistic abuse is part of your story, the name for your experience is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. This label captures everything you’re feeling as the result of the trauma of living under intense stress and oppression from a narcissist. The label doesn’t define you, but it is meant to serve as a launching point for how to find healing. The path often begins with learning to listen to your heart again and believing that what it says is valuable.
Depending on how deeply you’ve been wounded, it may take a long time to hear and trust yourself. Maybe a good place to start is simply to name how you’ve been harmed and give yourself permission to feel the hurts that you’ve been told were ridiculous or blown out of proportion. Grieve the losses of what can never be repaid and break your agreements with the false assumptions and lies you’ve come to believe along the way. Sort out what is truth. This is a process; it will take time.
Rediscover Yourself.
At the same time, begin to define your sense of self based upon truth. What are the character qualities that make up who you are? Pay attention to your thinking and be intentional about walking out those character qualities you want to be. Set a new path and take one small step each day in the direction you want to go, without letting yourself get overwhelmed with what-ifs and what you can’t control. Let yourself believe in you again, even if it’s just a little at a time. Eventually, over time, you will be at a different place than you are right now, simply because you put one foot in front of the other and headed down a new path.
I am not saying it is easy. But this is just the beginning of a life-long process of guarding your heart and paying attention to your path. One of the greatest investments you can make in that process is finding someone who can coach you through the hard stuff.
Take a Step Towards Healing.
Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in helping to untangle the chaos that emotional or narcissistic abuse wreaks on your heart and your marriage. While our goal is restoration for marriages, we recognize that reconciliation requires both partners to commit to change. If you are left alone to deal with the heartache in your marriage, or are separated or divorced, hope and healing are possible for you as well. Let us help you chart a new course as you head into the new year! Call our office at (206) 219-0145 or email us at frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and we’ll help you get started on a new path!
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You’ve likely already spent time and energy trying to talk about things that aren’t working well, but to no end or resolution. If the dysfunction has gone on long enough, you probably can’t even pinpoint the problem anymore; it simply all feels like a tangled mess that you don’t have the words to explain. Reconnecting with your spouse can feel daunting.
When it sounds overwhelming, or even impossible, to imagine overhauling your marriage, it might help to reframe how you are thinking about your situation and shift your focus from what was and is, to what your marriage can become. If you think about it, marriage is the place in which you are the most deeply challenged to consider who you are and who you want to be. Let that be the filter for your motivation to seek change and deepen your relationship with your spouse.
As you head into a new year, take this opportunity to take stock of your relationship. Where is your relationship headed? Is it headed where you want it to go? Are you intentionally giving your relationship vital nutrients to help it flourish? What do you need to do to create safety, trust, intimacy, and connection?
Here are a few suggestions for how to deepen your connection with your spouse:
The greater your self-protection, the less your spouse can connect with you. Break the self-protection by showing up authentically, inviting conversation that makes room for both voices, and resolving conflict in ways that prioritize staying connected.
No one can fix your anger but you. A healthy relationship requires deeply rooted peace for there to be deeply rooted connection.
In a healthy relationship, both nonverbal and verbal reactions are mostly positive. Take an inventory of your gut responses to your spouse. Do they tend toward the negative, such as fear, suspicion, self-protection, or anxiety? Or are they more positively oriented, such as affirming, curious, and inviting?
If you want love to be the foundation of your relationship, you have to sow what will reap love. If you choose actions that invite authentic communication, intimacy, and connection, you make it easy for your spouse to choose to love you. You can reconnect with your spouse in a meaningful way.
If you feel disconnected from your spouse, give us a call and let us help you deepen your connection! Contact our Client Care team here or call us at (206) 219-0145 to get started.
]]>These relationship dynamics impact other areas of our lives and generate toxic stress. Sleep disturbance, changes in diet, and fatigue are common. All of these symptoms associated with toxic stress cause changes in behavior, as we try to cope or self-medicate. Continuously elevated emotions can result in irritability, outbursts of anger, or uncontrollable crying. If you’re wondering whether healing is possible, I have outlined below some simple steps you can take that will help you begin the healing process.
Relationships exist between two people. It takes a willingness from both people to change the abusive and hurtful dynamics present in a relationship. While this is no easy task, it can be possible with the right interventions. First, I suggest finding a good time to discuss the need for change with your spouse. Avoid accusations. Keep it simple and direct. Focus on what you want for your relationship, not what you don’t want. Keep the conversation collaborative and invite them to work with you toward these goals.
If you find yourself suddenly in the middle of an emotionally escalating conflict, take a break. If you catch yourself about to say or do something destructive—pause. This is much easier said than done; stopping yourself at peak emotion is incredibly difficult. However, continuing to engage in abusive dynamics will result in more frustration and damage. Rebuilding trust takes time, but also requires demonstration that you are capable of change.
Take an honest look at your current self-care regime. Do what is needed to increase your emotional and physical health. This is important for reducing your body’s toxic stress levels. Consider how you’re doing in these areas: physical health, substance use, social support, hygiene, diet, exercise, and sleep.
Boundaries cannot control another person’s behavior (although, wouldn’t that be nice?!). Rather, they determine how we act and respond to various situations. Boundaries are designed to keep us safe and prevent toxic stress. This is an important, but often difficult step toward recovery, as toxic relationships have a way of dissolving boundaries.
If redefining your boundaries seems confusing, start by making a list of behaviors or situations that have hurt you in the past. Then imagine a healthy response to each of them that enforces your safety. This helps you recognize and respond to these situations before they escalate, and gives you back a sense of control. Also keep in mind that boundaries are not static; they can change over time. For example, you may not be comfortable with sexual intimacy currently, but that may change over time. Focus on what is currently needed to keep you feeling safe.
If a toxic relationship has caused significant damage in your life, one of the first steps to recovery is recognition and validation of the nature and extent of the trauma. Often, though, early attempts to get this validation from your partner results in continued cycles of defensiveness, self-preservation, accusations, and invalidation, leaving you feeling even more alone and without hope of recovery.
This is where trauma recovery work is critical. It’s important to focus on your own recovery first before attempting to seek restoration of the relationship. This will take time. Your spouse likely will need counseling as well to help them break their patterns of defensiveness.
Navigating recovery and re-building the healthy relationship you long for can be a daunting task. You will need the expert guidance of someone who knows how to lead you and your spouse through the process. We have been doing this for many years and would love to come alongside you and guide you on your healing journey. Click here to speak with a Client Care Specialist who can help you figure out the best next steps.
]]>So, here’s my answer: Both narcissism and codependence are anchored in misplaced responsibility.
Both extremes rely upon an external frame of reference to determine their next steps. That is, they rely on other people, circumstances, belief systems, and past experiences to determine how they show up in the world. It takes great courage, intentionality and wisdom to choose your next steps based on who you are and how you want to show up. It is much easier to resort to complacency… and ultimately the destructive behaviors that destroy relationships.
Both ends of this spectrum make excuses for their behavior based upon what has been done to them, how the world has acted upon them, rather than how they can act upon the world. This encapsulates victim mentality, and is rooted in fear. Those on the narcissistic end of the spectrum use anger and entitlement to control and subdue what they fear. Those on the codependent side use false peace-making to control and subdue what they fear. Both sides are in hiding and blame external forces for their inability to change. They place the responsibility for their internal world fully on the shoulders of the external world around them… and thus do not take responsibility for their own thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.
The most simple definition of misplaced responsibility is when someone blames others for their short comings. It’s easy to blame our spouse, our kids, our upbringing, our job and others for our problems. The problem is, when we don’t see our own role in how we got here, we can’t change the very thing that is causing our world to fall apart.
Other examples of misplaced responsibility include:
The idea that we are simply victims of our circumstances makes for an easy excuse for destructive and self-destructive behaviors. Again, if you consider both The Narcissist and The Codependent, ultimately both extremes are grounded in hiding and self-protection. Both try to get what they want in controlling, manipulative ways in order to protect themselves. There is a prevailing myth that hiding who we really are will mean safety, security, and love. And THAT is where the self-destruction is relevant: We are not meant to be alone, but when we hide ourselves, we are ultimately responsible for our aloneness.
There is an unofficial diagnosis called Responsibility Deficit Disorder. According to Paul E. Olsen, MS, the criteria that distinguishes someone who has been diagnosed with this condition are:
(Olsen, Paul E. (1996). Responsibility Deficit Disorder. [Online]. Perspectives. [1996, November 15].)
There are many similarities between what Olsen describes and victim mentality, or victim syndrome.
Dr. Robert Leahy, PhD and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, has named these characteristics of victim-oriented thinking:
So why do so many people choose to believe thoughts that keep them trapped, powerless and fearful? Because there are benefits to maintaining a victim mentality! It’s easier to point fingers when something goes wrong. When the outcome is bad, you’d rather believe the cause was someone or something else than take responsibility. Changing ourselves is hard!! It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy and there is too much at stake!
The point I want to make is this: We all have many valid reasons for doing what we do, but remaining in a victim mentality, regardless of whatever label we give it, we become obstacles to our own healing.
If you truly want healing, you will have to stop finger pointing and turn the focus on yourself, on your responsibility to show up as the person God created, purposed and called you to be. Each of us is responsible for the person we are inviting others to relate to.
The question you are probably asking is: How? How do I come out of hiding with strength, courage, and a steadfast heart? How do I show up? How do I operate within the circumstances I find myself caught up in? How do I break free of the strongholds that are destroying me/us?
Here are some suggestions for how to begin this process:
If you want to understand how misplaced responsibility may be sabotaging your healing and relationships, call our office at (206) 219-0145 to schedule a Mini Intensive or click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to learn more about our services.
]]>Most of us think of trauma as an event that caused us significant distress. In the fields of physical medicine and psychology, trauma is the injury or damage sustained by an individual, from an event, or series of events. This is an important distinction to make, because treatment focuses on healing these damages – perhaps also on mitigation or avoidance of future injury – but does not attempt to change or reverse the event itself, which has already passed. Trauma is not the overwhelming event itself, but the adverse effects and damage to the individual.
It’s somewhat easier to comprehend trauma and treatment of trauma in the context of physical injuries because physical injuries are in many cases visible, or easily identified by the symptoms. Psychological trauma is much more difficult to define, recognize, or measure, because the effects on the psyche aren’t as apparent. There isn’t a clear, direct connection between the injury and the symptoms. However, there are a variety of diagnostic tools that behavioral health clinicians use to identify and measure the effects of psychological trauma on an individual.
Let me first provide a precise definition of trauma. Trauma occurs when the following three criteria are true. First, exposure to an event, or series of events, that harms or threatens harm (physical or psychological). Second, this event overwhelms the individual’s ability to respond, escape, or make it stop. Third, reactions or adaptations resulting from exposure to the event creates significant difficulty in functioning.
Mary Main, a psychologist and researcher in the field of attachment, distinguishes between “resolved” and “unresolved” trauma. This means that although someone may experience a particularly traumatic series of events, and develop adverse coping strategies or experience impact in certain areas of their lives, there is hope of recovery and significant change.
Now you may be wondering why some people seem to be more adversely affected by negative experiences than others who are able to recover fairly quickly. Two mitigating factors that play a very important role in the recovery process are support and resiliency. “Support” is the recognition and validation of not only our experience, but of our emotional response to these experiences.
Imagine receiving particularly devastating news, or experiencing something distressing. Who do you go to first? These are the people in our lives who “get it” and are most likely to affirm your experience and your emotions. Some people have more of this type of supports in their lives – through family, friends and social groups, while others have very little support.
Resilience, the second factor in how well people recover from trauma, is a measure of how much adversity and stress a person can manage without becoming dysregulated. It is also a measure of an individual’s capacity for flexibility, acceptance, and adaptation in the face of adversity and stress. Resilience is not innate; it is developed over time. Developmental factors, especially the quality of our earliest relationships in life, play a huge role in acquisition of resilience. Resilience can also diminish over time. Factors such as lack of access to support, abuse, changes in physical health, and chronic stress can decrease resilience significantly.
Therapy and behavioral interventions can be very effective in the treatment of trauma. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we offer a Trauma Recovery Sessions Package to guide you through the recovery process, starting with a thorough, in-depth assessment of your trauma response, leading into a customized plan to help you move beyond the trauma and heal. For more information, please reach out to our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145.
]]>Despite what many people think, there are experts that say narcissistic traits, and even the personality disorder are treatable, and research continues to emerge that supports this. In Understanding and Treating Pathological Narcissism, author John S. Ogrodniczuk says that, “Pathological narcissism has long been considered one of the most challenging conditions to treat in psychotherapy.” Note that he says challenging, not impossible. He goes on to say, “Narcissism is an eminently treatable disorder that can be approached using a variety of therapeutic models.”
My firm belief that people can change if they want to is not only supported by clinical data, but also by the Christian concept of an all-powerful God who has the power to change people and restore what we would consider to be beyond repair. This concept is vitally important to my practice and has shaped how I approach treating people with narcissistic traits. Below are five basic tenets that I challenge the men that I work with in The Core group to consider and to evaluate against their beliefs and attitudes:
Theologically speaking, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic traits are treatable, especially when one humbly surrenders to God and lets go of pride and self-promotion.
I have personally seen the transformation that can occur when the appropriate intervention is applied and the change process is embraced. Again, the key being that the person is fully committed to the process and willing to do the necessary work.
Not everyone that I work with comes out a changed man. Many people come to me wanting to fix their marriage, or perhaps they’ve been given an ultimatum that they must go to counseling or face divorce, but they are too resistant, prideful, or focused on wanting their spouse to change. Some expect change after a few sessions rather than accepting the truth that change is an arduous, long process. Many say they are ready for change, but they are not willing to see or do things differently, so they stay stuck in what I call thinking errors. These thinking errors and resulting protective behaviors are often a result of things that happened earlier in life. Self-protective behaviors are defense mechanisms that are deeply ingrained, and we have probably had them for most of our lives, so it is no easy task to break these patterns. But if narcissistic behaviors are learned, which I believe it is, then they can be unlearned. We can learn new behaviors to replace them, even if they are not natural to us. Contrary to what many people believe, things like empathy and learning to be vulnerable with our spouse can be learned and it is what we teach in The Core program.
In my practice, my approach starts with helping people examine why they do what they do, to understand the thinking errors that are driving the behaviors, and finally, to learn to change their behaviors by changing their thinking. What I have found is that often, people will change as they learn that their protective behaviors are what are actually causing the relational difficulties. Again, I want to emphasize that we don’t “cure” people, but rather help them become the person they want to be, and work towards the marriage they want to have.
So, I conclude with this thought: I believe narcissism is treatable because theology, clinical data and science all support the fact that humans are capable of change. We at the Marriage Recovery Center specialize in the treatment of narcissistic and emotional abuse and have developed a comprehensive treatment plan that involves treating both the perpetrator and the victim. There are many things need to be considered – trauma, personality disorders, addictions etc. and we approach it from a holistic perspective, not just putting a quick fix band-aid on the surface problems, which are never the real problems. To learn more about our comprehensive treatment program contact our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145 to get started.
]]>“What happened?” I asked.
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” he continued. “My wife reminded me of something she wanted me to do for her and I forgot all about it. Big mistake.”
“But, was it a ‘mistake?’” I asked. “Or was this the kind of ‘mistake’ you make on a regular basis?”
“Well,” he continued sheepishly, “it is something she has called me on a number of times before. It’s a pattern, I suppose. I just can’t seem to help it.”
“So, it’s not really fair to call it a ‘mistake,’ but rather a pattern of behavior,” I said. “And, I don’t agree that you can’t seem to help it. I think this is an issue of focus and responsibility.”
Every day I hear about a new incident that has set a person back in their efforts toward healing their marriage. These incidents are often described in ways that minimize the severity of the actions. I’ve heard them called ‘mistakes,’ ‘hiccoughs,’ ‘missteps’ and ‘forgetfulness.’
As you might imagine, if one calls these patterns of behavior ‘missteps, accidents, or mistakes,’ they distance themselves from responsibility and the problem is very likely to recur. Furthermore, if responsibility is placed outside of themselves, they are not likely to change. If a person firmly believes their troubled behavior is ‘an accident,’ (which is denial) and they are appropriately confronted, they are likely to become defensive and angry, blaming their mate for the problem.
Can you see how troubled behavior becomes even more entrenched? Can you see the ‘craziness’ that erupts from these defensive, distancing maneuvers? What could be handled quickly and efficiently with responsibility and change, becomes an even larger nightmare.
That said, we know that growth is not a straight line. It’s filled with hits and misses. However, if we pay attention, and are fully responsible, we use the misses for growth. But, we must be deliberate about it. We must do ‘inner work’ on each and every miss and take full responsibility for growth and change. This requires intense focus and daily work. It demands that we are critical about our patterns of behavior and completely open to hearing about the impact of our behavior on others. We must ‘root out’ the problem behavior, which is usually fueled by troubled thinking, and clean up our lives.
We have developed a worksheet to guide you through a process of turning a ‘failure’ into a success—an AFGO—Another Fortunate Growth Opportunity. This requires sitting back and reflecting on your situation, delving deeply into your patterned behavior, taking full ownership of your problems and seeking new thinking and new behavior.
Using this formula again and again, bringing your work to individual and group counseling, gives you an incredible opportunity for growth. When you ‘grow up’ and face your problem-thinking and troubled, immature behavior, you strengthen your self-esteem and are likely to be further esteemed by others.
We at The Marriage Recovery Center are anxious to discuss your AFGO’s with you. We will help you delve deeply into these self-defeating patterns of behavior and help you advance your work toward healing your marriage. Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.
]]>At the other end of ridiculousness is the picture of the action hero who gets shot twice, stabbed 4 times, thrown off a building, and pummeled for 10 straight minutes only to get up and save the day.
While both of these models of men might make for good mindless entertainment, neither of these are accurate and perhaps part of the reason we can’t fathom a world with men who are abused.
Also unhelpful is the notion that men are always the perpetrators of abuse and mistreatment, but never the victim. As specialists in working with emotional abuse, much of the content we publish in our articles and videos refers to the man as the abuser and the woman as the victim. This is because, statistically speaking, men are more often the perpetrator of the abuse.
But we want to make it clear that this is not always the case. And we want to make provision for the healing of men’s hearts when they have been mistreated.
Being on the receiving end of mistreatment—whether physical or emotional—can be a difficult thing for men to talk about. The reasons for that are many, but some of the most common are:
The problem with the list above is that it is dishonoring to men’s hearts and everything listed is founded on lies. Real men are whole people; not one-dimensional infants or cyborgs, but rather, people whose strength comes from emotional honesty and transparency.
Heroes are not people without fear, but people who push through fear to still show up for others. And feelings, while intense at times, don’t have to run amuck and govern our lives.
Men, if your heart has been mistreated and mishandled, there are some really good resources out there for you. If reading is your thing, consider Wild at Heart (Eldredge) or Heart of a Warrior (Thompson). And of course, we at the Marriage Recovery Center are also here to help. We want MRC to be a safe place where men and women both can bring their pain and find healing and hope.
Your heart matters to us. You matter to us.
At MRC we have several therapists that specialize in working with men who are abused. We also have group programs for men lead by our therapists. Some men find the support of comradery helpful in their recovery.
Our therapy is conducted virtually, so we can help you anywhere in the world with internet access. So if you feel like you need extra support in this time, or you fit into the men who are abused category, please reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or contact our Client Care Team.
]]>On the other end of the spectrum, our present-day culture portrays a very different view of men. Men are often viewed as selfish, sexually charged, uncaring, stoic, and controlling. At the same time, they are often expected to work and provide, to be useful, to make wise decisions and to eventually amass enough wealth to retire. I find that many men lose their personal sense of identity if they buy into either of these world views.
Scripture is the place to learn what a man should be and do. So, what does the Bible say it is to be a “real man?”
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Single or married, men are not to pursue immoral passions or sexual exploits. Real men do not dwell on what is evil. Real men follow God with a heart of compassion and lead with confidence of knowing who and what they are. Real men think clearly and have a conscience that is clear.
1 Timothy 5:8 says, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Real men provide for the family on multiple levels, including emotional and spiritual needs.
Men are called to be servant-leaders, to take responsibility for putting the needs of their wives and children above their own needs. They are called to demonstrate selfless, sacrificial love—the type of love we see in God toward his children.
Men do not abuse women or children; men are protectors. It seems pretty simple to say real men protect their families from physical harm, but men also need to protect loved ones from other kinds of harm. Proverbs 4:10–15 describes a father who protects his son by passing on wisdom, helping him build godly character. A good father trains his children, prepares them for life, and helps them become responsible adults who will know how to cope with this world and its culture.
Micah 6:8 says, “He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” The core of a man’s life should be his relationship with God. The man who walks humbly with God is motivated and empowered to step up and assume the difficult responsibilities that come his way. Leonard Sweet said, “Your life is not your own; it belongs to God. To ‘be yourself’ is to be and do what God wants you to be and do, knowing that God created you for a mission and knows you and your mission better than you do.”
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God…since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. – 1 John 4:7, 11-12
If we understand and agree with the biblical view of what a real man is, then why don’t we live it? That is where therapeutic care comes in. Here are some areas that I believe need to be addressed therapeutically in men who want to be mentally and spiritually healthy:
All men struggle with character issues. They are not perfect, but they are also not all bad. Therapeutically, I want to help them be better men. One of the reasons for therapy is to become a better version of themselves.
All men have what I call thinking errors. In therapy, we try to recognize what those errors look like and then we eliminate them and replace them with healthy thinking.
Too many men dismiss emotions as unimportant. I try to help them recognize that emotions are what fuel their behaviors.
We decide either to act out in anger or to handle our anger in healthy ways. Therapy can help us recognize when and how we get angry and teach us the tools to deal with that anger.
I help men realize the importance of treating their wives in a way that makes them feel safe, cared for, desired, and protected.
If money can control things, it can also control us. It may also be tempting to use it to control other people. A healthy perspective is that money exists to provide for real needs.
Group therapy can help men connect to other men so that they have the support and accountability that encourages growth.
Sometimes this realization comes as a “conversion moment.” Therapy can help us see something we cannot not see on our own. Therapy helps us see a new way of being.
This is a short list of some of the therapeutic outcomes I work towards with clients in my practice and in the men’s group I lead called The Core. However, we are not two-dimensional people. There is no magic formula; each man has unique experiences and their partners have unique needs.
If you are grappling with anything mentioned in this article and it is leading to disruption in your relationships, let us help you through these tough and confusing issues! Please give our office a call at (206) 219-0145 for more information or contact our Client Care Team.
]]>And what if, just maybe, this big time out actually contains an invitation for us? What if it’s an opportunity to look at how we live, what we value, and where our priorities lie? Maybe it affords us time to learn stillness and contemplation. Those tend to be lost arts in this day and age. And perhaps, in our newfound stillness, we will find ourselves face to face with God.
It’s interesting that Scripture never says, “Be busy and know that I am God.” Rather, it is a call to stillness. “My soul, be quiet before God, for from Him comes my hope.“ (Psalm 62:5) In the quiet, we can actually hear God speak. In the stillness, we can feel the breeze of His presence and the warmth of His embrace.
I’ll be very honest and say that stillness did not come naturally to me. When God first asked me to try it, I thought He was trying to kill me. I fidgeted, squirmed, protested, and walked away. I couldn’t hear a thing, feel a thing, or sense a thing. So, I fidgeted some more and got straight on to the “weeping and gnashing of teeth” phase. But God insisted, and so I tried again, and again, and again…until stillness actually came. And then so did God, and He brought peace with Him, and companionship, revelation, and life. All of a sudden, my soul understood the value of stillness and the wisdom of a God who knew that I needed it even when I couldn’t see it.
Here is your invitation, from a God who knows you, loves you, and wants your company:
‘Arise, my love, my fair one,
And come away.
‘For behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
‘The flowers appear on the earth once again;
The time for singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.
‘The fig tree has budded and ripens her figs,
And the vines are in blossom and give forth their fragrance.
Arise, my love, my fair one,
And come away.’”
“O my dove, [here] in the clefts in the rock,
In the sheltered and secret place of the steep pathway,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.”
Song of Song 2:10-14
The invitation to stillness also applies to our marriages. Maybe it’s time to get quiet with your soul and ask whether the way you’re living together as a couple is really what you wanted and had in mind when you said, “I do.” Are you the husband or wife you want to be? Are you having the effect you want to have on your family? What are you contributing to the atmosphere of your relationship? Is it grace and peace, understanding and patience, support and safety? Or is it impatience, criticism, and harm?
In the current season of “time out” that we are in, perhaps there’s a starting over that’s possible for you and your spouse. God wants for your marriage the same intimacy that He wants between you and Himself. And it IS possible.
We at the Marriage Recovery Center would be honored to help you and your spouse work on your relationship and build something worth having. For more information on how we can help, please reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or contact our Client Care Team.
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