acf domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6170premium-addons-for-elementor domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6170It may be that you’re not feeling hopeful or confident that this new year will be any different from the last, especially when the last was compounded by the uncertainty between the pandemic and political unrest. You’re tired of hoping for change and connection. Your life has been reduced to a series of survival attempts from one day to the next. There comes a day when the reality of that either destroys you or awakens a fierce anger in you or maybe both.
Listen to your heart.
What do you do when this is your story? How do you find life again? How do you grasp hope? Where do you even begin to attempt to write a different story? It begins with imagination and vision. Imagine an awakening that gives birth to determination to break free of the imprisonment in which you’ve been living. Now imagine that you have the capacity to carry out that feat. It is possible!
I’ve found that it helps many people to be able to name their experience. If narcissistic abuse is part of your story, the name for your experience is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. This label captures everything you’re feeling as the result of the trauma of living under intense stress and oppression from a narcissist. The label doesn’t define you, but it is meant to serve as a launching point for how to find healing. The path often begins with learning to listen to your heart again and believing that what it says is valuable.
Depending on how deeply you’ve been wounded, it may take a long time to hear and trust yourself. Maybe a good place to start is simply to name how you’ve been harmed and give yourself permission to feel the hurts that you’ve been told were ridiculous or blown out of proportion. Grieve the losses of what can never be repaid and break your agreements with the false assumptions and lies you’ve come to believe along the way. Sort out what is truth. This is a process; it will take time.
Rediscover Yourself.
At the same time, begin to define your sense of self based upon truth. What are the character qualities that make up who you are? Pay attention to your thinking and be intentional about walking out those character qualities you want to be. Set a new path and take one small step each day in the direction you want to go, without letting yourself get overwhelmed with what-ifs and what you can’t control. Let yourself believe in you again, even if it’s just a little at a time. Eventually, over time, you will be at a different place than you are right now, simply because you put one foot in front of the other and headed down a new path.
I am not saying it is easy. But this is just the beginning of a life-long process of guarding your heart and paying attention to your path. One of the greatest investments you can make in that process is finding someone who can coach you through the hard stuff.
Take a Step Towards Healing.
Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in helping to untangle the chaos that emotional or narcissistic abuse wreaks on your heart and your marriage. While our goal is restoration for marriages, we recognize that reconciliation requires both partners to commit to change. If you are left alone to deal with the heartache in your marriage, or are separated or divorced, hope and healing are possible for you as well. Let us help you chart a new course as you head into the new year! Call our office at (206) 219-0145 or email us at frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and we’ll help you get started on a new path!
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You’ve likely already spent time and energy trying to talk about things that aren’t working well, but to no end or resolution. If the dysfunction has gone on long enough, you probably can’t even pinpoint the problem anymore; it simply all feels like a tangled mess that you don’t have the words to explain. Reconnecting with your spouse can feel daunting.
When it sounds overwhelming, or even impossible, to imagine overhauling your marriage, it might help to reframe how you are thinking about your situation and shift your focus from what was and is, to what your marriage can become. If you think about it, marriage is the place in which you are the most deeply challenged to consider who you are and who you want to be. Let that be the filter for your motivation to seek change and deepen your relationship with your spouse.
As you head into a new year, take this opportunity to take stock of your relationship. Where is your relationship headed? Is it headed where you want it to go? Are you intentionally giving your relationship vital nutrients to help it flourish? What do you need to do to create safety, trust, intimacy, and connection?
Here are a few suggestions for how to deepen your connection with your spouse:
The greater your self-protection, the less your spouse can connect with you. Break the self-protection by showing up authentically, inviting conversation that makes room for both voices, and resolving conflict in ways that prioritize staying connected.
No one can fix your anger but you. A healthy relationship requires deeply rooted peace for there to be deeply rooted connection.
In a healthy relationship, both nonverbal and verbal reactions are mostly positive. Take an inventory of your gut responses to your spouse. Do they tend toward the negative, such as fear, suspicion, self-protection, or anxiety? Or are they more positively oriented, such as affirming, curious, and inviting?
If you want love to be the foundation of your relationship, you have to sow what will reap love. If you choose actions that invite authentic communication, intimacy, and connection, you make it easy for your spouse to choose to love you. You can reconnect with your spouse in a meaningful way.
If you feel disconnected from your spouse, give us a call and let us help you deepen your connection! Contact our Client Care team here or call us at (206) 219-0145 to get started.
]]>These relationship dynamics impact other areas of our lives and generate toxic stress. Sleep disturbance, changes in diet, and fatigue are common. All of these symptoms associated with toxic stress cause changes in behavior, as we try to cope or self-medicate. Continuously elevated emotions can result in irritability, outbursts of anger, or uncontrollable crying. If you’re wondering whether healing is possible, I have outlined below some simple steps you can take that will help you begin the healing process.
Relationships exist between two people. It takes a willingness from both people to change the abusive and hurtful dynamics present in a relationship. While this is no easy task, it can be possible with the right interventions. First, I suggest finding a good time to discuss the need for change with your spouse. Avoid accusations. Keep it simple and direct. Focus on what you want for your relationship, not what you don’t want. Keep the conversation collaborative and invite them to work with you toward these goals.
If you find yourself suddenly in the middle of an emotionally escalating conflict, take a break. If you catch yourself about to say or do something destructive—pause. This is much easier said than done; stopping yourself at peak emotion is incredibly difficult. However, continuing to engage in abusive dynamics will result in more frustration and damage. Rebuilding trust takes time, but also requires demonstration that you are capable of change.
Take an honest look at your current self-care regime. Do what is needed to increase your emotional and physical health. This is important for reducing your body’s toxic stress levels. Consider how you’re doing in these areas: physical health, substance use, social support, hygiene, diet, exercise, and sleep.
Boundaries cannot control another person’s behavior (although, wouldn’t that be nice?!). Rather, they determine how we act and respond to various situations. Boundaries are designed to keep us safe and prevent toxic stress. This is an important, but often difficult step toward recovery, as toxic relationships have a way of dissolving boundaries.
If redefining your boundaries seems confusing, start by making a list of behaviors or situations that have hurt you in the past. Then imagine a healthy response to each of them that enforces your safety. This helps you recognize and respond to these situations before they escalate, and gives you back a sense of control. Also keep in mind that boundaries are not static; they can change over time. For example, you may not be comfortable with sexual intimacy currently, but that may change over time. Focus on what is currently needed to keep you feeling safe.
If a toxic relationship has caused significant damage in your life, one of the first steps to recovery is recognition and validation of the nature and extent of the trauma. Often, though, early attempts to get this validation from your partner results in continued cycles of defensiveness, self-preservation, accusations, and invalidation, leaving you feeling even more alone and without hope of recovery.
This is where trauma recovery work is critical. It’s important to focus on your own recovery first before attempting to seek restoration of the relationship. This will take time. Your spouse likely will need counseling as well to help them break their patterns of defensiveness.
Navigating recovery and re-building the healthy relationship you long for can be a daunting task. You will need the expert guidance of someone who knows how to lead you and your spouse through the process. We have been doing this for many years and would love to come alongside you and guide you on your healing journey. Click here to speak with a Client Care Specialist who can help you figure out the best next steps.
]]>So, here’s my answer: Both narcissism and codependence are anchored in misplaced responsibility.
Both extremes rely upon an external frame of reference to determine their next steps. That is, they rely on other people, circumstances, belief systems, and past experiences to determine how they show up in the world. It takes great courage, intentionality and wisdom to choose your next steps based on who you are and how you want to show up. It is much easier to resort to complacency… and ultimately the destructive behaviors that destroy relationships.
Both ends of this spectrum make excuses for their behavior based upon what has been done to them, how the world has acted upon them, rather than how they can act upon the world. This encapsulates victim mentality, and is rooted in fear. Those on the narcissistic end of the spectrum use anger and entitlement to control and subdue what they fear. Those on the codependent side use false peace-making to control and subdue what they fear. Both sides are in hiding and blame external forces for their inability to change. They place the responsibility for their internal world fully on the shoulders of the external world around them… and thus do not take responsibility for their own thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.
The most simple definition of misplaced responsibility is when someone blames others for their short comings. It’s easy to blame our spouse, our kids, our upbringing, our job and others for our problems. The problem is, when we don’t see our own role in how we got here, we can’t change the very thing that is causing our world to fall apart.
Other examples of misplaced responsibility include:
The idea that we are simply victims of our circumstances makes for an easy excuse for destructive and self-destructive behaviors. Again, if you consider both The Narcissist and The Codependent, ultimately both extremes are grounded in hiding and self-protection. Both try to get what they want in controlling, manipulative ways in order to protect themselves. There is a prevailing myth that hiding who we really are will mean safety, security, and love. And THAT is where the self-destruction is relevant: We are not meant to be alone, but when we hide ourselves, we are ultimately responsible for our aloneness.
There is an unofficial diagnosis called Responsibility Deficit Disorder. According to Paul E. Olsen, MS, the criteria that distinguishes someone who has been diagnosed with this condition are:
(Olsen, Paul E. (1996). Responsibility Deficit Disorder. [Online]. Perspectives. [1996, November 15].)
There are many similarities between what Olsen describes and victim mentality, or victim syndrome.
Dr. Robert Leahy, PhD and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, has named these characteristics of victim-oriented thinking:
So why do so many people choose to believe thoughts that keep them trapped, powerless and fearful? Because there are benefits to maintaining a victim mentality! It’s easier to point fingers when something goes wrong. When the outcome is bad, you’d rather believe the cause was someone or something else than take responsibility. Changing ourselves is hard!! It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy and there is too much at stake!
The point I want to make is this: We all have many valid reasons for doing what we do, but remaining in a victim mentality, regardless of whatever label we give it, we become obstacles to our own healing.
If you truly want healing, you will have to stop finger pointing and turn the focus on yourself, on your responsibility to show up as the person God created, purposed and called you to be. Each of us is responsible for the person we are inviting others to relate to.
The question you are probably asking is: How? How do I come out of hiding with strength, courage, and a steadfast heart? How do I show up? How do I operate within the circumstances I find myself caught up in? How do I break free of the strongholds that are destroying me/us?
Here are some suggestions for how to begin this process:
If you want to understand how misplaced responsibility may be sabotaging your healing and relationships, call our office at (206) 219-0145 to schedule a Mini Intensive or click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to learn more about our services.
]]>Most of us think of trauma as an event that caused us significant distress. In the fields of physical medicine and psychology, trauma is the injury or damage sustained by an individual, from an event, or series of events. This is an important distinction to make, because treatment focuses on healing these damages – perhaps also on mitigation or avoidance of future injury – but does not attempt to change or reverse the event itself, which has already passed. Trauma is not the overwhelming event itself, but the adverse effects and damage to the individual.
It’s somewhat easier to comprehend trauma and treatment of trauma in the context of physical injuries because physical injuries are in many cases visible, or easily identified by the symptoms. Psychological trauma is much more difficult to define, recognize, or measure, because the effects on the psyche aren’t as apparent. There isn’t a clear, direct connection between the injury and the symptoms. However, there are a variety of diagnostic tools that behavioral health clinicians use to identify and measure the effects of psychological trauma on an individual.
Let me first provide a precise definition of trauma. Trauma occurs when the following three criteria are true. First, exposure to an event, or series of events, that harms or threatens harm (physical or psychological). Second, this event overwhelms the individual’s ability to respond, escape, or make it stop. Third, reactions or adaptations resulting from exposure to the event creates significant difficulty in functioning.
Mary Main, a psychologist and researcher in the field of attachment, distinguishes between “resolved” and “unresolved” trauma. This means that although someone may experience a particularly traumatic series of events, and develop adverse coping strategies or experience impact in certain areas of their lives, there is hope of recovery and significant change.
Now you may be wondering why some people seem to be more adversely affected by negative experiences than others who are able to recover fairly quickly. Two mitigating factors that play a very important role in the recovery process are support and resiliency. “Support” is the recognition and validation of not only our experience, but of our emotional response to these experiences.
Imagine receiving particularly devastating news, or experiencing something distressing. Who do you go to first? These are the people in our lives who “get it” and are most likely to affirm your experience and your emotions. Some people have more of this type of supports in their lives – through family, friends and social groups, while others have very little support.
Resilience, the second factor in how well people recover from trauma, is a measure of how much adversity and stress a person can manage without becoming dysregulated. It is also a measure of an individual’s capacity for flexibility, acceptance, and adaptation in the face of adversity and stress. Resilience is not innate; it is developed over time. Developmental factors, especially the quality of our earliest relationships in life, play a huge role in acquisition of resilience. Resilience can also diminish over time. Factors such as lack of access to support, abuse, changes in physical health, and chronic stress can decrease resilience significantly.
Therapy and behavioral interventions can be very effective in the treatment of trauma. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we offer a Trauma Recovery Sessions Package to guide you through the recovery process, starting with a thorough, in-depth assessment of your trauma response, leading into a customized plan to help you move beyond the trauma and heal. For more information, please reach out to our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145.
]]>Despite what many people think, there are experts that say narcissistic traits, and even the personality disorder are treatable, and research continues to emerge that supports this. In Understanding and Treating Pathological Narcissism, author John S. Ogrodniczuk says that, “Pathological narcissism has long been considered one of the most challenging conditions to treat in psychotherapy.” Note that he says challenging, not impossible. He goes on to say, “Narcissism is an eminently treatable disorder that can be approached using a variety of therapeutic models.”
My firm belief that people can change if they want to is not only supported by clinical data, but also by the Christian concept of an all-powerful God who has the power to change people and restore what we would consider to be beyond repair. This concept is vitally important to my practice and has shaped how I approach treating people with narcissistic traits. Below are five basic tenets that I challenge the men that I work with in The Core group to consider and to evaluate against their beliefs and attitudes:
Theologically speaking, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic traits are treatable, especially when one humbly surrenders to God and lets go of pride and self-promotion.
I have personally seen the transformation that can occur when the appropriate intervention is applied and the change process is embraced. Again, the key being that the person is fully committed to the process and willing to do the necessary work.
Not everyone that I work with comes out a changed man. Many people come to me wanting to fix their marriage, or perhaps they’ve been given an ultimatum that they must go to counseling or face divorce, but they are too resistant, prideful, or focused on wanting their spouse to change. Some expect change after a few sessions rather than accepting the truth that change is an arduous, long process. Many say they are ready for change, but they are not willing to see or do things differently, so they stay stuck in what I call thinking errors. These thinking errors and resulting protective behaviors are often a result of things that happened earlier in life. Self-protective behaviors are defense mechanisms that are deeply ingrained, and we have probably had them for most of our lives, so it is no easy task to break these patterns. But if narcissistic behaviors are learned, which I believe it is, then they can be unlearned. We can learn new behaviors to replace them, even if they are not natural to us. Contrary to what many people believe, things like empathy and learning to be vulnerable with our spouse can be learned and it is what we teach in The Core program.
In my practice, my approach starts with helping people examine why they do what they do, to understand the thinking errors that are driving the behaviors, and finally, to learn to change their behaviors by changing their thinking. What I have found is that often, people will change as they learn that their protective behaviors are what are actually causing the relational difficulties. Again, I want to emphasize that we don’t “cure” people, but rather help them become the person they want to be, and work towards the marriage they want to have.
So, I conclude with this thought: I believe narcissism is treatable because theology, clinical data and science all support the fact that humans are capable of change. We at the Marriage Recovery Center specialize in the treatment of narcissistic and emotional abuse and have developed a comprehensive treatment plan that involves treating both the perpetrator and the victim. There are many things need to be considered – trauma, personality disorders, addictions etc. and we approach it from a holistic perspective, not just putting a quick fix band-aid on the surface problems, which are never the real problems. To learn more about our comprehensive treatment program contact our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145 to get started.
]]>There’s something in our hearts that comes alive when we hear a relationship story of courage, valor, and impossible odds. The latter part of the quote above gives us a much more meaningful definition of being resilient than the first sentence, which speaks of resilience as if it were a passive act, but instead, it is active, creative, and inspiring.
Psychological Resilience, as defined in Wikipedia, “is the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly” and can be just as inspiring. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_resilience
When you’re in the middle of grief, loss, and fear, it can be hard to see what it is that even remains in your relationship for you to work with. Especially when all that grief and loss and fear has been a longstanding companion due to dysfunctional relationships and daily hardships. How do you even start to rebuild?
If I were to try to run a marathon next weekend, I would definitely not even come close to finishing it. I do consider myself a runner, but all I can run right now is about a mile. I would be totally overwhelmed to even think about what it would take to run a marathon.
But, if I decided that was a finish line I really wanted to cross, I could do so with a few months of dedicated training. I would have to create a plan that would allow me to gradually build my fitness, strength, and endurance. I would have to change my daily habits, my relationships, my eating, my behavior, even my vocabulary.
I know none of it will feel natural or normal or good. But, by starting where I am, building a little bit every day, and consistently training to run, there’s going to come a point where it all feels more natural, normal, and good. The same is true for a relationship.
Learning to change is much the same—whether it’s character, behavior, thinking, or habits. You have to decide what your finish line is, and then build the plan to get there. Start with where you are; challenge yourself to add a bit more every day and stay disciplined.
You may need to change the thoughts you think and the things you tell yourself about relationships. You’ll have to make a plan to deal with the distractions and obstacles. Be ready for none of it to feel very natural until you’ve developed the neural pathways for it to become ingrained.
To decide what your end goal is, brainstorm a bit. What do you want to change? How do you want to show up in your world? What would you like your marriage or relationships to look like? What does “healthy” look like? If you were living your best life, what would look different?
As you think about how you want to show up in your world today, consider your attitude, your character, and your influence. You have a right—and a responsibility—to live out who you are created and called to be.
What are your gifts, talents, and abilities? How do you long to influence the world and reflect the light of Christ? In what ways are you sabotaging that mission in your own head? How would your relationship be different if you weren’t getting in your own way?
Change is hard. But we were not created to stay stagnant, complacent, or trapped in fear. We were created to be resilient and live with the capacity to be in grief and still reach for joy.
The act of resilience plays an important role in staying positive. Which is something we all need right now and forever. Psychologists everywhere will agree. This article on positivepsychology.com talks about resilience and the need to continue to improve upon it. https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-resilience
We at the Marriage Recovery Center want to help you develop a training plan for effective change! To learn more about the programs and services we offer, contact our Client Care Team here or call (206) 219-0145. We look forward to hearing from you!
]]>There’s an old saying, “If you love someone, set them free, and if they come back to you, it was meant to be.” I don’t think life is really as fatalistic as that, but there is definitely something to be said for the deeper element of free will. When free will is taken out of the picture, love ceases to be love. If love is coerced, demanded, expected, or required, it ceases to be meaningful and simply serves to benefit one person who is exercising power over the other in some way.
Hear that again. Love ceases to be love when it is not freely chosen.
It is a common belief that separation signals the start of the end. In reality, the end was already well underway, and separation is what is needed is for something to shake up the status quo and interrupt where things are headed. There is much good that comes when both parties get a chance to step back, reevaluate the trajectory of their life both individually and together, and take the time to be intentional about what happens next. This encapsulates our Healing Together philosophy which is the idea that when both individuals in the relationship take the time to work on themselves first, it is immensely beneficial to the relationship and accelerates the healing process.
A therapeutic separation, when done under proper guidance of a well-devised plan, creates space for each spouse to deeply reflect upon how they are choosing to show up in their world—to shift from living a reactive life to an intentional life.
The kinds of questions you ask yourself will determine the quality and direction of your separation. This isn’t a waiting game; your spouse is done waiting for change. It isn’t a power struggle; it’s already been proven which of you is more powerful. It’s not a free pass to do whatever you want. If you choose any of those options, divorce isn’t that far off.
Instead, ask questions that lead to life:
If you are at a crossroads, facing a separation, we would love to help you use this opportunity as a powerful time of reflection, growth, and healing. Path of Renewal is designed to help you create a roadmap to bring healing and connection to your marriage, no matter how far beyond hope you think it may be. Contact our Client Care team at (206) 219-0145 or check our website to find out more!
]]>At its core, emotional abuse is an assault against one’s personhood. The assault is multi-faceted: targeting identity, worth and value; twisting perception of reality; disregarding emotions and lacking empathy; and using anger as weaponry. This blog is part of a series that covers each of those aspects. I will be focusing on emotional abuse as an assault on identity, value, and worth.
With regard to human development, identity refers to the stable, defining characteristics of a person that make them an individual. Having a solid sense of identity requires a thorough understanding of oneself, include one’s own traits, preferences, thought patterns, strengths, and weaknesses. Essentially, it is a construct of who you are and where you are going. Our sense of personal value and the basic values we live by are reflected in our sense of identity.
The assault on identity, value, and worth looks like taking away someone’s right and responsibility to decide who they will be and how they will show up the in the world. In other words, the abuser assumes the authority to define it, and his words trump all others.
The victim’s identity becomes not as a fellow human being, worthy of their own individuality, but essentially as an extension of the abuser. In the case of the husband being the abuser and the wife being the victim, he does all the thinking for her as if she has neither the ability nor the authority to think for herself. He causes her to question her own decisions as well as her ability to decide. He tells her who she is, what she must believe, how to think. The implication is that she can’t figure this out for herself. He knows better than her what “truth” is. He is the measuring stick.
Her value is measured by this same stick. The abuser often sets standards as a fluid target with rare acknowledgment that she’s met them successfully. She is constantly threatened with discard or replacement, both through words and with his wandering eye. Her hurt doesn’t affect him, her concerns are irrelevant to him, and her desire for anything that is different from his desires offends him. The message here is that she has nothing of value to add.
The assault on her worth puts her in a solid category of lesser-than. She’s treated like a child, a servant, and an object. At the end of the day, the message she hears loud and clear is that she is invisible, unknown, and has no influence.
Part of the healing process entails reestablishing a solid sense of identity. Love requires being known—known in the authentic, transparent, free, unique way God created each individual to be known. When you know who you are, you will reach for the things that lend themselves to a life that reflects your character. And instead of looking for things or people to give you value, value becomes part of your internal sense of self. You bring your value to the table, so to speak.
In the context of a marriage, both spouses must have an honest, healthy sense of self in order to heal together in the relationship. In fact, in most cases, marriage issues aren’t really marriage issues! They are individual issues being played out in the relationship as symptoms. The root causes are within the individuals.
Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we provide a comprehensive series of programs designed to create space for healing for the abuser, the victim, and the marriage. In our Healing Together program, both spouses begin with individual work. When growth is seen and the time is right, we begin couples counseling. If you want to break free from the stronghold of emotional abuse, contact us at (206) 219-0145 and get started on your path to freedom.
]]>Maybe you’ve wondered if your relationship is emotionally abusive. Your partner’s actions are hurtful, but are they bad enough to be considered abuse? One of the most harmful and insidious aspects of emotional abuse is that it can be difficult to recognize. This article will help you better understand what emotional abuse is, and help you recognize if you’re in a toxic and unhealthy relationship with an abuser.
Emotional abuse is a pattern of defensive behaviors used to gain power and control over a partner. It is a form of controlling a person’s emotional and mental state. The defensive behaviors, which present themselves as hurtful and controlling actions, often emerge during anger-inducing incidents. Over time, the psychological effects of emotional abuse have a profound and disastrous impact on both the victim and the abuser. One of the most damaging aspects of emotional abuse is that the abused partner often feels unable to articulate and recognize the destruction that the abuse causes.
Emotional abuse can begin with minor actions like becoming upset and giving the “silent treatment,” for example not answering calls or texts, avoiding eye contact, or simply not talking to the other person altogether, even ignoring their attempts at conversation.
This leaves the victim in the dark and can trigger anxiety and heighten the need to smooth things over. The victim often feels relief when the abuser re-engages and the “punishment” is over—this transforms into a means of controlling and manipulating the victim, who lives in fear of being cut off again.
Verbal abuse is another common form of emotional abuse, and can take the form of constant criticism and put-downs, in addition to the more obvious screaming, swearing, threatening, etc. It may start as off-handed comments that grow into yelling insults and cutting down or humiliating his or her partner in front of family and friends. This results in fear, nervousness, and feelings of worthlessness for the victim.
Some emotional abusers exploit their partner’s need for love and affection by denying and withholding physical affection, time together, or compliments. Denial of attention and affection can leave a victim feeling unattractive and unworthy of love.
Often when an emotional abuser is confronted with their actions, they become defensive, refuse to acknowledge the problem, and blame their victim. Others deny their partner’s accounts of what happened or alter the narrative, leading to a pattern that results in the victim questioning their memory or perception. Over time, this becomes a form of gaslighting.
Abusers use anger as a weapon to intimidate and power-over the victim. The victim lives in fear of the next angry episode. These attacks come in various forms, for example:
Over time, the person on the receiving end of the anger outbursts becomes conditioned to do anything they can to appease their abuser. This can often feel like walking on thin ice, waiting for a crack and crash as the bottom falls out. This leads to anxiety, depression, nervousness, low self-esteem, and symptoms of PTSD. Many victims freeze up when an incident of yelling occurs, flashing back to memories of being mistreated.
Change can be the hardest word for a victim to believe, but it is possible for an abuser to recover. Many abusers carry pent up anger, insecurities, and wounds that can be repaired with work. Victims also need to heal and recover from the abuse. It takes time and commitment.
One thing is clear: both partners in an abusive relationship need help. At the Marriage Recovery Center, both the victim and the abuser can get the help they need to heal. Each partner receives individualized care at the beginning of the healing journey to work on their own issues. At the appropriate time, and when they are ready, their paths unite for a holistic healing experience that involves couples counseling.
If you’re ready to begin the journey to a healthier self, reach out to a Client Care Specialist at (206) 219-0145. We are here to help you find that path.
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