acf domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6131premium-addons-for-elementor domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6131Unfortunately, for many couples, one of the reasons they are in a crisis is because they waited too long to get help. Consider Tim, a man whose wife left him after he had ignored her numerous requests for them to go to marriage counseling. Now it appeared to him that she was gone for good. He was panicked and was having a hard time sleeping and focusing on his work. He was in a crisis.
I agreed to work with Tim and helped him take some immediate actions to stabilize his life, as well as some actions he might take to possibly save his marriage. We also talked about what he could do to maintain perspective and hope in the face of a seemingly hopeless situation. Tim’s story is a common one. He had been given numerous warnings to change, which he dismissed. His wife had asked to go to counseling which he had ignored, saying he thought they could handle their own problems. Out of desperation she had left and indicated she did not want any contact. It is very tempting in such a crisis to make a number of mistakes in an attempt to stabilize a troubling situation.
Here is my advice for what to do if you find yourself in a crisis like Tim:
First, be careful not to overreact. Our emotions run wild when facing a crisis. Our brain screams DANGER. We tend to panic and in our panic-driven state don’t think clearly. We think all or nothing, black and white and catastrophe. We must, as we work to calm ourselves, remind ourselves to try not to overreact and realize the storm will pass. Things always become clearer in time. It is best to pause, spend time quietly considering our situation and not make any sudden decisions.
Second, try to maintain a sense of normalcy. Yes, I know this sounds impossible, but eating well, good sleep and exercise are critical to your emotional health and will help you to make better decisions. Continue to go to work and all the other aspects of your life. As distracted as you are by your crisis, and as much as you want to do everything and anything to fix the situation, do all the activities that have brought you comfort in the past.
Third, get immediate support and seek out wise counsel. You need lots of support during a crisis. Don’t make the mistake of believing you are bothering people by asking for support. True friends will be happy you have reached out to them and are willing to listen to your story and offer hope which is desperately needed. Be very careful, however, not to use this opportunity to malign your mate or make it appear you are the “right” one in the situation.
Fourth, get professional counseling. As vital as it is to have the support of friends, they can’t replace professional, unbiased help. Find an experienced marriage counselor that will help you understand the actions that led up to the crisis, but also help you discover hope in the midst of the crisis.
Fifth, discover the critical message in the crisis. A crisis, for as horrific as it is, can be the best time to discover more about yourself and your marriage. Consider the reasons your mate took the actions they did. Why has this crisis occurred? What do you need to learn from this situation? Be brutally honest with yourself and begin the process of change and growth;
Finally, ask what God can teach you in the crisis. You are not alone in your crisis. God is in the mix with you and wants to teach you things about yourself and His will for your life. He wants to mold you into his image and cares deeply for you. Spend time in prayer and meditation, reflecting on Scriptures that offer hope and healing. Are you facing a crisis? Consider the opportunity in the crisis and what you can learn from it. If you need help right now, we are here for you. Please contact us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to get immediate help, or schedule a free call with a Client Care Specialist here.
]]>If only their spouse could be awakened to the harm and pain and dysfunction! That’s the desperate plea behind the desire to do an intervention. And it’s true that an intervention can be effective in bringing such an awakening. It’s also true that it’s only as effective as the planning and follow-through. In other words, it holds no weight if there isn’t a clear confrontation and an actionable plan to be put into motion immediately following the intervention.
If you’ve been wondering if an intervention might be the next step for you, these are the important basics to consider beforehand:
When it comes to an intervention, it is imperative that you say what you mean and mean what you say. This is an ultimatum! You are drawing a line in the sand and taking responsibility for your own part in becoming healthy. As much as we hope the intervention will awaken them to take the same responsibility in a positive, growth-oriented direction, you will need to be prepared to follow through if they do not. Otherwise, all this effort will boil down to simply another fight that ended nowhere.
We would love to help you avoid that! We’ve created an Intervention Planning Intensive to specifically help you walk through the steps listed above. If you’d like more information about this, or want to get signed up, please contact our Client Care Team here or call (206) 219-0145.
]]>Sandra and Tom came to The Marriage Recovery Center after years of trying short stints of marriage counseling. They had done what many couples do: reach a crisis point in their marriage, seek short term help, and drop out of counseling, only to repeat the pattern a few years later.
“I always thought that coping with my marriage problems was a sign of strength,” the weary, 43 year old mother of three told me. “I could always find the strength to keep plowing forward, even though my marriage problems remained unchanged.”
“You went to counseling at times, right?” I asked.
“Yes, but each time we only went for a few sessions. Our schedules got in the way and I think Tom became uncomfortable when he was confronted. So, I adapted to our situation, telling myself it wasn’t all that bad.”
“Was that really the truth?” I said, looking firmly at Sandra.
She paused, letting the magnitude of the problem sink in. “Yes and no,” she said. Again, she paused and looked at her husband, who was sitting and listening to her patiently. “I think I found ways to explain our problems away. I told myself that all couples go through tough times. I told myself that things were not as bad as they were. I told myself that if I pushed Tom he would leave me, and I really didn’t want that.”
“Yes,” I said. “Many couples endure really bad times and tell themselves it is not so bad. That’s called denial: Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying to myself. We all endure lots of pain to keep things going just the way they are. We cope, adapt and accommodate, all the while killing ourselves and our marriages, and tell ourselves we are doing something good. This all prevents real change.”
Scripture tells us that the truth will set us free. (John 8:32) It is actually facing the truth and applying it to our lives that will set us free.
I then asked Sandra and Tom to do something that is often quite painful. I asked them to write out all the ways they adapted to their difficult marriage. I asked them to write all the ways they told themselves things were not as bad as they were. What forms of denial did they use to keep things stable in their marriage? Asking these questions can help to determine if you are being truthful with yourself and, subsequently, what can be done to honestly face your challenges and overcome them.
First, be completely honest with yourself about your situation. As you consider your situation, are you fiercely candid with yourself? You cannot change what you do not own. You cannot change something if you don’t see the situation realistically. Write down the way things are. Talk to a friend about the facts of your situation.
Second, determine if you have been coping, adapting or accommodating. Write down the ways you have been coping and note the impact this coping has had on you. Explore why you have been coping instead of facing issues candidly. Again, honesty is critical.
Third, face your fears of telling yourself the truth. If you have been accommodating out of fear, acknowledge this to yourself, and perhaps a trusted friend or counselor. Take inventory on the impact this is having on you and your relationships. Acknowledge that accommodating out of fear keeps you trapped and reinforces a weakness in another.
Fourth, choose to act with integrity and honesty. Set out to interact in a healthier, clearer, and more honest manner. From your clear, calm, compassionate self, let your feelings inform you, not control you. As you listen to your feelings and discern a better course of action, you can address the problems with honesty. Every time you do this you will strengthen your inner self and will stop enabling a destructive process. Denial falls away and truth emerges.
Finally, stay the course. Perfect practice makes perfect. As you set out on this journey you will rediscover lost parts of yourself. As you stop adapting and accommodating others, you will come to know yourself better and have healthier, more honest relationships. You will find your relationships becoming more vibrant, alive, and filled with respect and integrity. From this new position, you will have more self-respect and will be better able to respect others.
Do you really want to be healed? Are you ready to give up harmful actions? If you would like our professional support, please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.
]]>No, seriously. Marriage is the absolutely best place to grow. I know some of you may think I’ve lost my mind. “Marriage,” you say, “is the last place I grow. It’s the place I cope, struggle, work to recover from.”
I understand that. But let’s begin with a quiz. Just give the first answer that comes to your mind.
While some may waffle a bit with their answers, most will answer with one person: their mate. Even in the worst of relational times, we long to be understood and accepted by our mate. When the chips are down, we want encouragement from our mate. When we feel the most insecure, we often want healing counsel from our mate.
But wait a minute. Isn’t your mate the one person on Earth you’re most likely to argue with? Aren’t they the one you may feel most vulnerable with during times of intense conflict? Isn’t your mate the person with whom you often don’t want to share your darkest secrets?
In spite of these questions, I have great news. Our mate is THE person God has given us to be a helpmate. A ‘helpmate,’ according to God, is a person able to speak into, and even bring healing to, our most vulnerable and wounded areas. More than any other person on the planet, your mate has the potential to bring healing through your relationship with him or her.
Shortly after God created the heavens and the earth, he placed man in the garden he created. While the garden was beautiful and abundant in every way, something was missing. God declared, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Although enjoying the garden, I can imagine Adam being pretty excited about this new addition to creation.
The historical record is clear—humankind would not always live in harmony. They would struggle and battle with each other. They would hurt one another. Still, God’s goal for man and wife was that they would help each other, defer to each other in love, and build each other up. Marriage was the place designed for great things to happen. So, in spite of the challenges you face, marriage is still an excellent place to grow. Consider the following:
the place we cultivate transparency. Marriage may be a place we put down the heavy weight of our façade. No false persona and trying to be more than we are. This transparency has been proven to be an antidote to life’s stresses. Your mate may offer the opportunity to be fully known, understood, and accepted, and this is powerfully healing. Marriage can be:
No matter your circumstances (and I want to be clear that I never encourage tolerating abuse), might it be possible to view your challenges in a different way? Might your marriage be just the place, at least for now, to gain awareness of your strengths and weaknesses, and to grow? Seeing the mirror in your marriage puts an entirely new spin on marriage and the inherent advantages of married life, seeing your marriage as a place of opportunity, which it certainly can be.
If you want help getting your marriage to a place of encouragement and growth, we’re here for you! Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.
]]>There’s something in our hearts that comes alive when we hear a relationship story of courage, valor, and impossible odds. The latter part of the quote above gives us a much more meaningful definition of being resilient than the first sentence, which speaks of resilience as if it were a passive act, but instead, it is active, creative, and inspiring.
Psychological Resilience, as defined in Wikipedia, “is the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly” and can be just as inspiring. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_resilience
When you’re in the middle of grief, loss, and fear, it can be hard to see what it is that even remains in your relationship for you to work with. Especially when all that grief and loss and fear has been a longstanding companion due to dysfunctional relationships and daily hardships. How do you even start to rebuild?
If I were to try to run a marathon next weekend, I would definitely not even come close to finishing it. I do consider myself a runner, but all I can run right now is about a mile. I would be totally overwhelmed to even think about what it would take to run a marathon.
But, if I decided that was a finish line I really wanted to cross, I could do so with a few months of dedicated training. I would have to create a plan that would allow me to gradually build my fitness, strength, and endurance. I would have to change my daily habits, my relationships, my eating, my behavior, even my vocabulary.
I know none of it will feel natural or normal or good. But, by starting where I am, building a little bit every day, and consistently training to run, there’s going to come a point where it all feels more natural, normal, and good. The same is true for a relationship.
Learning to change is much the same—whether it’s character, behavior, thinking, or habits. You have to decide what your finish line is, and then build the plan to get there. Start with where you are; challenge yourself to add a bit more every day and stay disciplined.
You may need to change the thoughts you think and the things you tell yourself about relationships. You’ll have to make a plan to deal with the distractions and obstacles. Be ready for none of it to feel very natural until you’ve developed the neural pathways for it to become ingrained.
To decide what your end goal is, brainstorm a bit. What do you want to change? How do you want to show up in your world? What would you like your marriage or relationships to look like? What does “healthy” look like? If you were living your best life, what would look different?
As you think about how you want to show up in your world today, consider your attitude, your character, and your influence. You have a right—and a responsibility—to live out who you are created and called to be.
What are your gifts, talents, and abilities? How do you long to influence the world and reflect the light of Christ? In what ways are you sabotaging that mission in your own head? How would your relationship be different if you weren’t getting in your own way?
Change is hard. But we were not created to stay stagnant, complacent, or trapped in fear. We were created to be resilient and live with the capacity to be in grief and still reach for joy.
The act of resilience plays an important role in staying positive. Which is something we all need right now and forever. Psychologists everywhere will agree. This article on positivepsychology.com talks about resilience and the need to continue to improve upon it. https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-resilience
We at the Marriage Recovery Center want to help you develop a training plan for effective change! To learn more about the programs and services we offer, contact our Client Care Team here or call (206) 219-0145. We look forward to hearing from you!
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A non-directive approach entails allowing the client to come to their own conclusions about what steps to take next to resolve their issues or become intentional about their life. This approach assumes that, with the right prompting, most people can find their way through to healthy, self-motivated change that is right for them. A counselor or coach will explore what the client is feeling, thinking, and experiencing, without adding a specific course of action or direction. The theory behind this approach is that people who come to their own conclusions will more likely hold to those conclusions and experience lasting change.
But a non-directive approach is problematic within the context of emotional abuse. Emotionally abused clients come with a desperate need for direction that includes helping them find their voice, their purpose, and their path to heal from all of the ways they have been silenced, diminished, and dismantled by their abusive partner. Letting them speak for themselves is part of the equation, yes. And being a source of direction for them until they find their heading again is an invaluable part as well.
The nature of narcissistic and emotional abuse entails one person having an ongoing pattern of power over the other person, in order to arrange their world exactly the way they want it. The result is a silencing of not just the physical voice of the one being powered over, but silencing their inner voice as well. This means the victim questions their own intuition and thinking, which is what makes non-directive approaches so ineffective. These clients are no longer able to put into words what they feel or think, and they apologize for anything they do manage to say. The disorientation they feel cannot be overcome simply by talking it through. They desperately need an advocate to help them speak, show them how to find resilience and healing, and to give them permission to trust themselves. They need someone to believe them and stand in the gap for them until they can get through the brain fog and constant state of emotional trauma.
At the Marriage Recovery Center, our directive approach focuses on the opportunity for growth, rather than focusing on the pit of loss and brokenness. We talk in terms of collaboration rather than compromise. What do you have to work with and how do we make it work for you, as a couple, to get connected and stay connected?
A clear, defined path to healing starts with first evaluating where you are and where you want to be. We help you to discover what it will take for your marriage to go from where it is to where you want it to be. We let you tell your story and ask you challenging questions to help you see beyond what has gotten you to this place.
The next step is to evaluate whether you are going to stay in the relationship or leave the relationship. If you decide to leave, healing will entail bringing restoration to your own heart. If you decide to stay, healing entails working on restoration of both your own heart and your marriage.
Another clear step is to identify the non-negotiables. What must be different for you to stay in the marriage? What is it that you are no longer willing to go along with, hide, or tolerate? What change needs to happen and how much? Identifying the non-negotiables provides the foundation for brainstorming collaborative solutions to overcome them. This is where you hammer out what you need for healing and connection.
All of these questions are directive, meant to lead your thinking toward being intentional and proactive in ways that do not depend solely upon your own wisdom at a time when you cannot even give yourself permission to rest. When your relationship is impacted by the trauma of emotional abuse and narcissism, the potential for secondary harm is higher when you are left feeling unprotected and flailing on your own.
This is why, at the Marriage Recovery Center, we offer a directive approach that takes into account the dynamics of narcissism and emotional abuse. If you’re looking for this type of counseling, we’d love to work with you! To get started, call our Client Care Team at (206) 219-0145.
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Terry and Stephen are in that situation, both feeling helpless and hopeless. Both blame the other for their marriage problems, yet both also sense that someone needs to come in and guide them along a path of healing.
Married for fifteen years with two young children in the home, they have been fighting off and on for the duration of their marriage. Like many others who reach out to me for help, they have been to counseling several times with little change.
Terry has reached a breaking point. She decided to separate in the hopes that she could “catch her breath.” She wants more than that, of course. She wants to break free of the incessant bickering and determine a healthier direction for their marriage.
Terry and Stephen are normal. They are typical of most couples struggling to find direction. Both feel discouraged and desperate to find answers, yet the opinions they’ve received from pastors, marriage counselors, physicians, and friends are confusing to them. The direction they’ve received is conflicting and unclear. Furthermore, both have the sense that no one has really looked into the inner workings of their marriage and named the problems and severity of them.
Terry and Stephen are now separated and I am consulting both of them individually. Terry refuses to enter back into marriage counseling and Stephen feels desperate to save their marriage. Terry wants time to reflect and consider her options.
“We’ve tried counseling,” Terry told me in a phone consultation. “No one can tell me exactly what to do. All I know is that we aren’t making any progress and I can’t live that way any longer.”
“What guidance have you been given?” I asked.
“I’ve been told a lot of different things,” she said. “My girlfriends support me and my parents tell me I shouldn’t have to live this way, but there is really no one who has stepped in to guide me.”
In talking to Stephen, he has much the same story. “She is intent on separation, and I don’t know exactly what I need to do to save our marriage. I’m willing to do anything, but she will no longer talk to me. She wants space, so all I can do is wait.”
“But waiting alone won’t save your marriage, Stephen,” I said. “There are problems in your marriage that need attention. Waiting is very unlikely to bring clarity and direction.”
In separate conversations with Stephen and Terry, I recommended the Therapeutic Healing Process. I described to them the following scenario:
“I will meet with you both for several hours, taking a thorough history and arriving at a conclusion as to what you each bring to the marriage problems. I will listen to you share what you believe you do to sabotage intimacy as well as what you believe your mate does that creates problems. I will bring my expertise to bear on what I hear and what I believe needs to happen. Then we will gather for the purpose of healing those wounds and learning to speak to each other in a healthy manner. After several individual and couples’ sessions, utilizing new skills, you both will be in a better position to decide how you want to proceed. At the least, we will have a clear direction for your marriage, and at the most, we will have direction and healing for the wounds created in your marriage.”
As I talked to Terry and Stephen, I reminded them of the Biblical truths we had to follow. “Solomon nailed it,” I said, “when he said there are seven things the Lord hates. I’d like to suggest these seven things be avoided at all costs: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” (Proverbs 6: 16-19)
Both agreed that these truths would be a backdrop to our work. Terry was particularly cautious but willing to proceed. “We’ve haven’t really had that kind of direction,” she shared anxiously. “I don’t want to fight with him anymore. I can’t take it. I’m willing to give this a try.”
“There will be no fighting, Terry,” I said. “Our sessions will be highly structured and you both will agree to be prayerful and listen to each other.”
Stephen was hopeful and wanted to proceed. If you would like to begin the Therapeutic Healing Process or have any questions about The Marriage Recovery Center, please contact our Client Care Team.
]]>My husband and I are currently separated and haven’t had sex for over a year. I strongly believe that we shouldn’t have sex again until we’re living together under the same roof. But my husband feels differently and says that some of his feelings of disconnection stem from our lack of physical intimacy. What is your advice for us?
In a healthy relationship, sex is never used as a reward or as a way to reiterate that you’re still angry, but rather as a way to more deeply connect with your partner and have fun together. That said, it’s also quite appropriate to take a break from sex, especially if you’re taking space from one another emotionally or reassessing the relationship. Beyond that, particularly if you’re not feeling safe or comfortable enough to be intimate with your husband, no matter how much he might push or prod you, it’s the right thing to hold off. You need to feel safe and protected in order to engage in sexual intimacy, and this needs to be carefully cultivated and reinforced by your husband.
If you are taking a long break from sex (especially one that goes on for months or even years), be aware that it can be that much more difficult to rekindle physical intimacy and connection when it’s been absent for that long. It might even feel robotic or dispassionate to reengage at first. This just means that you’ll have to be that much better at communicating when you’re ready and being really, really patient with one another as your sexual chemistry slowly reemerges in earnest.
My husband and I are newly married. Sometimes I sleep in another room/bed because I’m not able to sleep so soundly next to my husband or because we’ve just fought. This is frustrating for him, as he has strong ideas about a husband and wife sharing a bed together. I’m wondering how best to navigate this hot issue.
The National Sleep Foundation found that nearly one in four married couples sleep in separate beds, so you’re not alone in thinking that this might be a possible solution. There are many reasons why couples might do this, some of which are totally practical, like sleeping better alone, going to bed at different times, having very different evening/night routines etc. But some of the reasons can be more worrisome, like purposefully punishing your spouse after a fight.
If we look at Paul Rosenblatt’s research, highlighted in his book Two in a Bed, he suggests that sharing a bed can preserve a marriage. Rosenblatt found that plenty of couples admitted that they could probably get a better night’s sleep if they slept in separate beds or rooms, but they are reluctant to give up sleeping in the same bed because of what it signifies for them—sharing, security, and perhaps most of all, intimacy.
In the end, there’s no right answer, for it’s not the sleeping together or separately that’s the actual issue; it’s the unresolved thoughts and feelings that come with the sleeping arrangements that could cause deeper problems. For example, if someone is resentful about the sleeping dynamic, this will most assuredly affect the energy in the relationship—and how could that not also affect sleep?!
I’m currently unwilling to have sex with my husband because I’m convinced that he is fantasizing about other women while we make love and I’m disgusted by the idea. What would you suggest?
One of the biggest blockades to healthy human relationships is when one person thinks they know what the other is thinking. Even if there is some kind of accurate awareness that comes from having spent decades together, this dynamic—someone thinking they know what someone else is thinking—shows an unwillingness to be open-minded about another person or give them the benefit of the doubt. Good communication requires listening rather than rushing to judgement. If you’re feeling that your spouse is fantasizing about other people, your first responsibility, way before getting angry or withholding sex, is to be brave enough to communicate your fear and uneasiness to your spouse, rather than to accuse and assume based only on your uncomfortable internal dialog.
Also, consider what feelings or thoughts might be behind your fear of him fantasizing about other women. Are you feeling insecure in the relationship in other areas as well? Are you not feeling at your physical best and, therefore, assuming he must be more turned on by other women? If it’s at all possible that you might have any unconscious issues around your physical appearance or are insecure in other areas, you could possibly be subconsciously sabotaging intimacy because of how you feel. If this is the case, please employ some good self-care (including building new and healthier thought patterns, diet, and exercise) and find your way back to your best self—for your sake especially, but also for your partner.
My husband wants to have sex a lot more often that I do, and I feel selfish for withholding it from him sometimes. What should I do?
Sex is very, very different for men and women. For women, the act takes place within them/inside them, and for most men, sex happens completely outside of themselves. Women have to be in a certain perspective and mindset to be able to be that open and vulnerable to receive another person into their body. This is an amazing willingness to share of themselves with someone else. For men, at least from a societal perspective, they are often the one “doing” sex to the other person, and even this simple distinction, receiving versus doing, can potentially create a dynamic of unequals.
Men and women also experience sex very differently from a chemical perspective. During/after sex, women release much higher levels of oxytocin than men, which makes them bond. Men mostly secrete dopamine, the pleasure hormone, which can be addictive. Women generally know that the act of sex is a bonding experience for them, so they approach it with a bit more trepidation, making sure that they are emotionally prepared to do it (feeling safe, secure, and good about the relationship). Men, on the other hand, at least chemically, are after the next “high” if you will, and that drive can sometimes make us overlook our partner’s feelings and needs.
So, perhaps try to help your husband better understand the mindset of a woman, and get him to see how incredibly comfortable you need to be to receive him fully into your body, literally and figuratively. And the next time he’s frustrated at the frequency of sex in your relationship, remind him of how different the act of lovemaking is for each gender.
]]>One of the first things I do in counseling is see where your deep feelings begin to come forth. We all have feelings, even if they are denied or pushed aside. I can’t make much progress until you trust me enough to tell me what is going on and how it hurts. I have had men who can put up walls and defend themselves for hours. But it does little good to talk to a counselor if you don’t discuss your feelings.
I can’t tell you how many men say things like, “I don’t know what I feel.” Men do have emotions, but frequently feel like they can’t show more vulnerable emotions like fear. They struggle to accept themselves when they think they come across as needy or not capable. So, when their wives tell them that they feel abused (not necessarily physically, but emotionally or verbally,) many men respond with self-protection and self-deception. They push away feelings like fear, guilt, and sadness, and substitute them with a false aura of strength, frequently using anger as a cover-up.
So, these men get angry quickly in a vain attempt to control and self-protect. When something activates their fear, they push it away with anger and, if it works to make them feel better about themselves, the anger is reinforced and becomes a learned behavior. If you are practiced at getting angry, you will become pretty good at it and quickly go there when you feel like you need to self-protect.
Many men try to tell us that they cannot control their anger. While anger may feel uncontrollable, it IS possible to learn to learn to manage your anger. To say you can never gain control of anger is self-justification to continue what you’re doing instead of learning, growing, and improving. You must accept that you can control you and no one else makes you do anything. You, in fact, have power over your addictions, anger, and responses to other people.
Learning to recognize when you’re using anger to cover up more vulnerable emotions is an important step in growing and healing your relationship. When you realize that you’re actually feeling something other than anger, you can begin to discover the real feelings going on underneath the anger, at your core.
At the Marriage Recovery Center, we can help you identify these self-protective patterns that lead to anger and give you the tools to figure out what else you’re feeling. For more information, or to learn about our other programs, contact our Client Care Team here or call our office at (206) 219-0145.
]]>The one who had the affair is the one who stepped out of the sacred bounds of the marriage. Feeling intensely betrayed, enraged, and resentful, the “victim” often attacks the “villain,” creating even more distance than existed before. While it is tempting to vilify the one who had the affair, we must examine what led up to the affair.
Before we embark on this journey to examine why it happened, I must be clear—nothing justifies an affair. This is a form of acting out in a most egregious manner, a most hurtful response to inner and outer stress. It is a failed attempt to find peace that only leads to even greater pain.
While it is never justified, an affair often has meaning, and understanding that meaning can provide insurance against it ever happening again. Most affairs occur in the context of significant marriage issues. A skilled counselor can help the couple look deeper at the marriage problems that existed long before the affair took place.
Marriages susceptible to affairs often struggle with the issues below. If you find yourself with some of these “symptoms,” seek immediate, deep help. Your relationship may be vulnerable to an affair.
I fully recognize that this is an incredibly sensitive topic. It is so easy and tempting to become adversarial, shift into blaming and shaming. Recovery is best done with expert help, and we at The Marriage Recovery Center are available for this process. Please contact our Client Care Team for more information or to get started with one of our therapists or coaches.
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