And what if, just maybe, this big time out actually contains an invitation for us? What if it’s an opportunity to look at how we live, what we value, and where our priorities lie? Maybe it affords us time to learn stillness and contemplation. Those tend to be lost arts in this day and age. And perhaps, in our newfound stillness, we will find ourselves face to face with God.

Being Still Before God

It’s interesting that Scripture never says, “Be busy and know that I am God.” Rather, it is a call to stillness. “My soul, be quiet before God, for from Him comes my hope.“ (Psalm 62:5) In the quiet, we can actually hear God speak. In the stillness, we can feel the breeze of His presence and the warmth of His embrace.

I’ll be very honest and say that stillness did not come naturally to me. When God first asked me to try it, I thought He was trying to kill me. I fidgeted, squirmed, protested, and walked away. I couldn’t hear a thing, feel a thing, or sense a thing. So, I fidgeted some more and got straight on to the “weeping and gnashing of teeth” phase. But God insisted, and so I tried again, and again, and again…until stillness actually came. And then so did God, and He brought peace with Him, and companionship, revelation, and life. All of a sudden, my soul understood the value of stillness and the wisdom of a God who knew that I needed it even when I couldn’t see it.

An Invitation to Stillness

Here is your invitation, from a God who knows you, loves you, and wants your company:

‘Arise, my love, my fair one,
And come away.

‘For behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
 
‘The flowers appear on the earth once again;
The time for singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

‘The fig tree has budded and ripens her figs,
And the vines are in blossom and give forth their fragrance.
Arise, my love, my fair one,
And come away.’”

“O my dove, [here] in the clefts in the rock,
In the sheltered and secret place of the steep pathway,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.”

Song of Song 2:10-14

Stillness in Marriage

The invitation to stillness also applies to our marriages. Maybe it’s time to get quiet with your soul and ask whether the way you’re living together as a couple is really what you wanted and had in mind when you said, “I do.” Are you the husband or wife you want to be? Are you having the effect you want to have on your family? What are you contributing to the atmosphere of your relationship? Is it grace and peace, understanding and patience, support and safety? Or is it impatience, criticism, and harm?

In the current season of “time out” that we are in, perhaps there’s a starting over that’s possible for you and your spouse. God wants for your marriage the same intimacy that He wants between you and Himself.  And it IS possible.

We at the Marriage Recovery Center would be honored to help you and your spouse work on your relationship and build something worth having. For more information on how we can help, please reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or contact our Client Care Team.

A Narcissistic Virus of the Heart

One of the strongest contrasts that has come to light via COVID-19 is the portrait of those who sacrifice for the needs of others versus those who live with a self-centered agenda. The latter exhibit disregard for others’ needs to the point of lacking empathy. This has been true on both sides of the aisle.

We see it in those who urge quarantine while judging folks who go out in public, as well as those who take more exposure to risks scoffing at those who take precautions.

In both cases, we see narcissistic people with eyes only for the ways in which they themselves are being impacted. They extend little, if any, grace toward those whose needs look different than their own. We see the “us versus them” lines get drawn even uglier than usual.

The COVID-19 spotlight also exposes a sense of entitlement that is rampant in our culture. We believe that we are owed special treatment. Our needs and desires should be ranked higher than others’. We believe that authority exists to serve us, while denying our responsibility to honor authority. This link between narcissism and entitlement is discussed briefly in this YouTube video by Dr. David Hawkins.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-ElFF1PBhA

In fact, we fail to take responsibility on many fronts. The most devastating of these is the failure to consider (and care about) how our choices impact others.  True Narcissism.

Lastly, we see our cultural narcissism showing up in our difficulty dealing with stress and adapting to change. When change has been forced upon us by government mandate we have responded with anger, and panic. We see group tantrums erupting at one end of the spectrum, and totalitarian controlling at the other.

The Good News Despite Narcissism

But Covid-19 isn’t only bringing out the bad, it’s also bringing out the good.  Despite the widespread narcissism of people wanting it their own way, there are those shining stories of heroism.

Found in the lives of ordinary people: grocery clerks, delivery people, emergency responders, and medical personnel to name just a few.  All these people who show up for work, day in and day out, to keep us fed and supplied, to keep our garbage from piling up and our lights on and water running.

What if the truck drivers had stayed home or the factory workers decided not to make protective equipment? All these people deserve our continued gratitude for the personal cost of all that they are pouring out for the greater good.

In the end, the pandemic is costing everyone. We’ve lost loved ones, jobs, stability, connection, freedoms we were accustomed to, and more. If you’re struggling to adjust to the “new normal” and how your world has changed as a result of the pandemic, you are not alone.

We at the Marriage Recovery Center want you to know that we are here to help. We want to help you use this opportunity to look within, to examine your values, to discover what’s causing you anxiety, and to find what is worthy of your trust and hope.

To learn more about our programs dedicated to healing from narcissism and emotional abuse, contact our client care team at (206) 219-0145. You can also visit the resources section of our website, where you can find a library of content on a variety of topics.

Common Thinking Errors

• Denial/Lying: Not admitting something that is true. There are 3 ways to lie: commission (saying something that is not true), omission (leaving out important information that we don’t want others to know about), and assent (pretending to agree or approve of others’ ideas and actions when we really don’t). We must speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and, of course, speak the truth in love.
• Excuse Making/Blaming: Finding a reason to justify behavior, to not be responsible or to diminish responsibility.
• Rationalizing/Justifying: Coming up with reasons to give ourselves permission to behave in a certain way. We rationalize our bad behaviors.
• “I’m Unique”: The belief that “my situation is different” allows us to believe that we are so unique and special that what applies to others doesn’t apply to us. This thinking error allows us to shut others out of our lives, believing that we don’t need help and that no one can understand us or our situation.
• Redefining/Vagueness: Shifting the focus off an issue we want to avoid or being purposefully vague. Sometimes this is subtle, sometimes obvious, always avoiding the real question.
• Black & White Thinking: This is seeing everything in a clear “black and white” perspective. Life is so complex that it produces a myriad of shades of gray in almost everything. Using black and white thinking allows us to rely on overly simplistic answers to try to answer complex questions. It reduces the complexity in many situations into something manageable but is still irrational and/or distorted. We use this to make things easier for us and to rationalize our choices. Some people say things like, “The Bible says…” but the Bible is also not always black and white, and it deals with us as the very complex people we are.
• Minimizing: Reducing the size, importance, or reality of something we’ve done.
• Grandiosity: This distorted thinking changes a situation into something so big or overwhelming that it allows us to avoid responsibility in some way or allows or fosters unhealthy behavior. Example: “I’m so good that even if I get caught, I can always talk my way out of it!”
• Crisis: When we’re always in crisis, the crisis distorts responsibility, so it gives us permission to act in a distorted way.
• Magical Thinking: Using thinking that has no basis in reality as an explanation for something. Often this thinking allows us to believe things we want that are not probable. “Everything will always be fine, no matter what.”
• Assuming: Assuming is the opposite of understanding. When we assume, we presume to know what others think or feel without real awareness of the facts. Assuming to know another person’s motives is often used as an excuse for our bad behaviors.
• Anger/Power-Playing: Anger is a normal emotion. However, this thinking/behavior is employed as a way to have control and/or manipulate others. It also allows us to avoid really facing an issue by using anger to deflect. Power-playing can either be aggressive or passive-aggressive. The intent is always to get our own way.
• Closing:This is thinking/behavior that is secretive or closed. It is used to distort reality by not facing it. It is also not being open to feedback from others. Using this thinking error at times allows us to feel a distorted power by concealing the truth. “I simply won’t talk about it.”
• Entitlement/Ownership:This thinking allows us to feel entitled to privileges based on our own distorted thinking. Such thinking causes us to, at times, feel ownership over people, things, or situations. It allows us to treat others like objects and justifies inappropriate and hurtful behavior.

All of these thinking errors are destructive, and God loves us too much to allow us to continue down a destructive path. God desires transformation for all of us.

The Bible is full of transformational language. Scripture tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We are created in God’s image, but we have fallen into disrepair and are overcome by our thinking errors. Thankfully, God is in the business of renovating our thinking.

Six Elements of Renewing Our Thinking Errors

1. Learning the truth: Transformation requires learning the truth. John 14:6, Ephesians 4:14-15, and 2 Timothy 3:16-17 talk about what truth is and how we can be transformed by knowing it.
2. Cleaning house: We must get rid of all of the thoughts and thinking errors that hinder us and do not serve us. Transformation requires cleaning house.
3. New thinking: We must be a people with a passion to be transformed by God. God does not force change upon us. We must choose to put on the new way of thinking and to put away the former way of life. We don’t just get rid of bad thinking habits; we replace bad habits with good ones.
4. Coaching: Transformation requires coaching. Professional athletes and those at the top of their game have coaches. A coach is concerned not only with your individual ability, but also how it benefits the team. We are not just individuals; we belong and live in community with others.
5. Honest community: Change requires living as part of an honest community. We need a safe place to be, where others will speak the truth in love. We need trusted Christian friends who can confront our thinking errors.
6. Faith: “Now, glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us, is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.” (Ephesians 3:20, The Living Bible). Transformation requires faith in God. How can you build your faith so that you can reap the promises in Ephesians 3:20?

If you struggle with any of the thinking errors listed above, we at the Marriage Recovery Center can help! We would be happy to help you cultivate new, healthy thoughts that lead to changed behaviors and improved relationships. Please give our office a call at (206) 219-0145 for more information or contact our Client Care Team.

There’s something in our hearts that comes alive when we hear a relationship story of courage, valor, and impossible odds.  The latter part of the quote above gives us a much more meaningful definition of being resilient than the first sentence, which speaks of resilience as if it were a passive act, but instead, it is active, creative, and inspiring.

Psychological Resilience, as defined in Wikipedia, “is the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly” and can be just as inspiring.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_resilience 

When you’re in the middle of grief, loss, and fear, it can be hard to see what it is that even remains in your relationship for you to work with. Especially when all that grief and loss and fear has been a longstanding companion due to dysfunctional relationships and daily hardships. How do you even start to rebuild?

Building Up Strength For A Relationship Change

If I were to try to run a marathon next weekend, I would definitely not even come close to finishing it. I do consider myself a runner, but all I can run right now is about a mile. I would be totally overwhelmed to even think about what it would take to run a marathon.

But, if I decided that was a finish line I really wanted to cross, I could do so with a few months of dedicated training.  I would have to create a plan that would allow me to gradually build my fitness, strength, and endurance. I would have to change my daily habits, my relationships, my eating, my behavior, even my vocabulary.

I know none of it will feel natural or normal or good.  But, by starting where I am, building a little bit every day, and consistently training to run, there’s going to come a point where it all feels more natural, normal, and good.  The same is true for a relationship.

Learning to change is much the same—whether it’s character, behavior, thinking, or habits. You have to decide what your finish line is, and then build the plan to get there. Start with where you are; challenge yourself to add a bit more every day and stay disciplined.

You may need to change the thoughts you think and the things you tell yourself about relationships.  You’ll have to make a plan to deal with the distractions and obstacles. Be ready for none of it to feel very natural until you’ve developed the neural pathways for it to become ingrained.

Finding Your End Goal

To decide what your end goal is, brainstorm a bit. What do you want to change? How do you want to show up in your world? What would you like your marriage or relationships to look like? What does “healthy” look like? If you were living your best life, what would look different?

As you think about how you want to show up in your world today, consider your attitude, your character, and your influence. You have a right—and a responsibility—to live out who you are created and called to be.

What are your gifts, talents, and abilities? How do you long to influence the world and reflect the light of Christ? In what ways are you sabotaging that mission in your own head?  How would your relationship be different if you weren’t getting in your own way?

Change is hard. But we were not created to stay stagnant, complacent, or trapped in fear. We were created to be resilient and live with the capacity to be in grief and still reach for joy.

The act of resilience plays an important role in staying positive.  Which is something we all need right now and forever.  Psychologists everywhere will agree.  This article on positivepsychology.com talks about resilience and the need to continue to improve upon it.    https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-resilience

We at the Marriage Recovery Center want to help you develop a training plan for effective change! To learn more about the programs and services we offer, contact our Client Care Team here or call (206) 219-0145. We look forward to hearing from you!

If only their spouse could be awakened to the harm and pain and dysfunction! That’s the desperate plea behind the desire to do an intervention. And it’s true that an intervention can be effective in bringing such an awakening. It’s also true that it’s only as effective as the planning and follow-through. In other words, it holds no weight if there isn’t a clear confrontation and an actionable plan to be put into motion immediately following the intervention.

Steps to an Intervention

If you’ve been wondering if an intervention might be the next step for you, these are the important basics to consider beforehand:

1. Identify and clarify your non-negotiables. These are the things you believe must change in order for you to stay engaged in the relationship. What needs to happen? What level of change (i.e. how much?) Exactly, specifically what is it that you are no longer willing to tolerate in your life?

2. Have a clear plan. Take the time to think about where YOU are heading. What are you putting into place in order to intentionally change the trajectory of your life and the state of your health (emotional and otherwise)? What are you asking of your spouse?

3. What are the outcome options? Determine the possible alternative paths, one of which you will take depending upon your spouse’s response to the intervention. What will happen if he or she agrees to the work that needs to be done to salvage the relationship? What will happen if he or she rejects the invitation to change? Be ready to put either plan into motion.

4. Involve witnesses. This is a safety feature, as well as accountability. Think about who you could have present to provide a witness to the interaction, lend safety to the situation, and possibly influence the outcome. Whose presence could help bolster your confidence in saying what needed to be said and following through?

5. Have a safety plan in place. Be ready (and give yourself permission) to disengage and get to safety if necessary. This could mean preparing your witnesses to step in, if willing and able. It might mean having a bag packed in the car and the car keys in your pocket. It might mean having the police on speed dial.

6. Have a professional trained in navigating emotional abuse help you plan the intervention and navigate the ensuing process. If your spouse is used to using fear and intimidation to keep doing what they’ve always done, you can expect him or her to respond with those same tactics. Having someone trained to recognize the impact of powering-over within relationships can be a huge source of encouragement and direction for you. They can provide on-going assistance to stay focused, grounded, and intentional in your growth and, hopefully, reconnection.

Mean What You Say

When it comes to an intervention, it is imperative that you say what you mean and mean what you say. This is an ultimatum! You are drawing a line in the sand and taking responsibility for your own part in becoming healthy. As much as we hope the intervention will awaken them to take the same responsibility in a positive, growth-oriented direction, you will need to be prepared to follow through if they do not. Otherwise, all this effort will boil down to simply another fight that ended nowhere.

We would love to help you avoid that! We’ve created an Intervention Planning Intensive to specifically help you walk through the steps listed above. If you’d like more information about this, or want to get signed up, please contact our Client Care Team here or call (206) 219-0145.

Your Foundation is Key

A man’s life is built much like house. There’s a framework to give it form and function (your sense of purpose and highest desires), it’s composed of many rooms (the areas of your life like work, family, rest, play), and those rooms are connected to one another by hallways and passages (these would be your core character and beliefs). Your life is wrapped in decorative siding on the exterior (how you present yourself in public and to the world) and it is roofed for protection against the elements (your self-protective strategies). Each of those is important and worth a discussion in their own right, but there is one element of a house and of a life that is more important than all the rest: the FOUNDATION.

If a house’s foundation isn’t built correctly, then the whole house is in danger of falling down: it can’t bear the weight of what will be set on it. The same is true of the foundation of a man’s life. So the question is, what is your life built upon? In what (or whom) do you trust? As Bob Dylan would say, “Everybody’s gotta serve somebody.” So, what do you serve? What do you worship? What do you invest your time, heart, money in?

For many men, life is built upon and driven by a fear of failure, rather than by a sense of their own value, worth, and purpose. Due to the wounds life has dealt you, you may wonder if you have the fortitude needed for you to come through in a crisis. All of those things produce cracks in your foundation, and they lead to behaviors in every aspect of life that will serve to sabotage you. This is true in your marriage too.

If you’re identifying with any of this, the good news is faulty foundations can be fixed. We may have to break up the old one and rebuild from better materials, but that’s doable too. It’s at least worth a conversation, and we at the Marriage Recovery Center promise to listen well. Please contact our Client Care Team to begin the process. We look forward to working with you!

No, seriously. Marriage is the absolutely best place to grow. I know some of you may think I’ve lost my mind. “Marriage,” you say, “is the last place I grow. It’s the place I cope, struggle, work to recover from.”

I understand that. But let’s begin with a quiz. Just give the first answer that comes to your mind.

1. Who knows you better than anyone else?
2. Who has seen you at your absolute worst?
3. Who knows your darkest secrets?
4. Who knows your worst character traits?
5. Who has the greatest power to help you heal from emotional, relational, and even spiritual struggles?

WHO MARRIAGE WAS CREATED FOR

While some may waffle a bit with their answers, most will answer with one person: their mate. Even in the worst of relational times, we long to be understood and accepted by our mate. When the chips are down, we want encouragement from our mate. When we feel the most insecure, we often want healing counsel from our mate.

But wait a minute. Isn’t your mate the one person on Earth you’re most likely to argue with? Aren’t they the one you may feel most vulnerable with during times of intense conflict? Isn’t your mate the person with whom you often don’t want to share your darkest secrets?

In spite of these questions, I have great news. Our mate is THE person God has given us to be a helpmate. A ‘helpmate,’ according to God, is a person able to speak into, and even bring healing to, our most vulnerable and wounded areas. More than any other person on the planet, your mate has the potential to bring healing through your relationship with him or her.

Shortly after God created the heavens and the earth, he placed man in the garden he created. While the garden was beautiful and abundant in every way, something was missing. God declared, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Although enjoying the garden, I can imagine Adam being pretty excited about this new addition to creation.

WHAT MARRIAGE CAN BE

The historical record is clear—humankind would not always live in harmony. They would struggle and battle with each other. They would hurt one another. Still, God’s goal for man and wife was that they would help each other, defer to each other in love, and build each other up. Marriage was the place designed for great things to happen. So, in spite of the challenges you face, marriage is still an excellent place to grow. Consider the following:

 the place we cultivate transparency. Marriage may be a place we put down the heavy weight of our façade. No false persona and trying to be more than we are. This transparency has been proven to be an antidote to life’s stresses. Your mate may offer the opportunity to be fully known, understood, and accepted, and this is powerfully healing.  Marriage can be:

• the place where you cultivate vulnerability. Here, with the person who knows you better than anyone else, you can share your worst fears, deepest insecurities, and your most challenging struggles. Marriage, when functioning as God intended, is the safest place for you to share your most vulnerable self—and this is powerfully healing.
• the place where our character weaknesses are revealed and where we can work on them. Stress and challenge are the places where our weaknesses are exposed. If we pay attention, even in dark times we can learn and grow. While friendships offer a unique and critical component for healthy living, marriage is where our foibles and personality issues are exposed. Scripture encourages us to bear with one another’s weaknesses, (Romans 15:1) and there is no better place to do this than in marriage. No one knows what we need to work on like our mate, and they are in a unique position to be a powerful instrument of healing for those weaknesses.
• the place where we can offer encouragement where it is needed. While we may be angry with them, our mate needs something from us too. Again, Scripture challenges us to encourage and comfort others with the encouragement and comfort we have received (2 Corinthians 1:4). For many, the closest mission field is their home. We often enter marriage with a childhood filled with heartache, adolescence rife with struggle, and early married life filled with challenges.
• the place designed by God to share our burdens. It has been said that a burden shared is a burden split in two. Scripture says that we are to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We all long to cast our burdens, anxieties and concerns on a listening ear. Thankfully, we can do this within the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is indeed a place where we can lay our burdens down and feel restored.

No matter your circumstances (and I want to be clear that I never encourage tolerating abuse), might it be possible to view your challenges in a different way? Might your marriage be just the place, at least for now, to gain awareness of your strengths and weaknesses, and to grow? Seeing the mirror in your marriage puts an entirely new spin on marriage and the inherent advantages of married life, seeing your marriage as a place of opportunity, which it certainly can be.

If you want help getting your marriage to a place of encouragement and growth, we’re here for you! Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.

When you take the personality of the marriage and combine it with the personality of each person in it, you get a set of relationship rhythms. These are unique to every relationship, a fingerprint of sorts. Included in those rhythms are “rules” (I use this word very loosely as these aren’t necessarily conscious or spoken aloud, nor do they have to be rigidly followed) about how much time together and time apart the relationship needs in order to function best.

COVID-19 and the related quarantines and shelter-in-place orders that it has produced have the potential to put quite a strain on those “togetherness rhythms”. Especially for introverts—people who enjoy periods of solitude and contemplation and who find fulfillment in the world of internal thoughts and ideas—long periods of forced togetherness can pose a real challenge to their sense of balance and peace. Relationships that are already strained, tense, or on edge are also vulnerable.

Add to that the dynamics of having kids who now have to be home-schooled, children who are feeling pent up and deprived of time with friends, family pets who are highly excited by all the people suddenly at home with them, job layoffs, financial strain, and a lack of toilet paper and other necessities, and you have a perfect storm. So, in the interest of sanity and world peace, here are some survival tips:

1. Breathe deeply. In. Out. Rinse and repeat. Pausing for a minute or so several times a day just to breathe has an oddly calming and re-centering effect.
2. Remember that this is temporary. You can do temporary. Say it 3 times with me: “I can do temporary.”
3. This is a time to live with extra grace for one another. Meet impatience with patience, meet anxiety with peace and comforting, meet agitation with calm. You have great power to affect the atmosphere of your house, for better or worse. Own the effect you have on others and use it for good.
4. Be purposeful about your together time. Plan fun activities to share (board games, cards), new adventures to try (plant a garden, cook a new dish, google ways to say “you have pretty eyes” in 30 languages and then practice saying them together), or projects to do.
5. Manage your stress by knowing your limits. When you find yourself going stir-crazy or needing alone time, raise a flag and enlist your partner’s help. Trade off teaching the kids or dealing with the house so that each person can get away for a bit. Go outside, take a walk, ride through the countryside. Remember #1.
6. This is probably not the time to have heavy relationship talks or try to work out areas of high conflict. If you’ve got kids at home or others who are sheltering with you right now, there are too many people around to bring that kind of intensity to your home. There’s not enough space (physical or emotional) and the general stress level is likely too high for such conversations to be very productive.
7. Don’t forget your support system. You may not be able to get together with friends as you normally would, but you can still phone, video chat, or connect through the myriad of social networking options that exist. Remember that MRC is still up and running, so if you find yourself needing extra support, feel free to reach out to us.
8. Find exercise outlets to burn off some energy.
9. Be aware of what your heart is feeling: Afraid? Anxious? Sad? Lonely? Overwhelmed? Bored? Acknowledging your feelings can make them more manageable.
10. Don’t forget to breathe. This is temporary.

And if all else fails, my answer to many things: pet something furry. Life always seems better in the company of an animal.

As I mentioned above, Marriage Recovery Center is still up and running, so if you feel like you need extra support in this time, please reach out to us at (206) 219-0145 or contact our Client Care Team.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” he continued. “My wife reminded me of something she wanted me to do for her and I forgot all about it. Big mistake.”

“But, was it a ‘mistake?’” I asked. “Or was this the kind of ‘mistake’ you make on a regular basis?”

“Well,” he continued sheepishly, “it is something she has called me on a number of times before. It’s a pattern, I suppose. I just can’t seem to help it.”

“So, it’s not really fair to call it a ‘mistake,’ but rather a pattern of behavior,” I said. “And, I don’t agree that you can’t seem to help it. I think this is an issue of focus and responsibility.”

Every day I hear about a new incident that has set a person back in their efforts toward healing their marriage. These incidents are often described in ways that minimize the severity of the actions. I’ve heard them called ‘mistakes,’ ‘hiccoughs,’ ‘missteps’ and ‘forgetfulness.’

As you might imagine, if one calls these patterns of behavior ‘missteps, accidents, or mistakes,’ they distance themselves from responsibility and the problem is very likely to recur. Furthermore, if responsibility is placed outside of themselves, they are not likely to change. If a person firmly believes their troubled behavior is ‘an accident,’ (which is denial) and they are appropriately confronted, they are likely to become defensive and angry, blaming their mate for the problem.

Can you see how troubled behavior becomes even more entrenched? Can you see the ‘craziness’ that erupts from these defensive, distancing maneuvers? What could be handled quickly and efficiently with responsibility and change, becomes an even larger nightmare.

That said, we know that growth is not a straight line. It’s filled with hits and misses. However, if we pay attention, and are fully responsible, we use the misses for growth. But, we must be deliberate about it. We must do ‘inner work’ on each and every miss and take full responsibility for growth and change. This requires intense focus and daily work. It demands that we are critical about our patterns of behavior and completely open to hearing about the impact of our behavior on others. We must ‘root out’ the problem behavior, which is usually fueled by troubled thinking, and clean up our lives.

We have developed a worksheet to guide you through a process of turning a ‘failure’ into a success—an AFGO—Another Fortunate Growth Opportunity. This requires sitting back and reflecting on your situation, delving deeply into your patterned behavior, taking full ownership of your problems and seeking new thinking and new behavior.

Using this formula again and again, bringing your work to individual and group counseling, gives you an incredible opportunity for growth. When you ‘grow up’ and face your problem-thinking and troubled, immature behavior, you strengthen your self-esteem and are likely to be further esteemed by others.

We at The Marriage Recovery Center are anxious to discuss your AFGO’s with you. We will help you delve deeply into these self-defeating patterns of behavior and help you advance your work toward healing your marriage. Learn more about what we offer at the Marriage Recovery Center by contacting our Client Care team or call us at (206) 219-0145 to find out more about our services.

On the other end of the spectrum, our present-day culture portrays a very different view of men. Men are often viewed as selfish, sexually charged, uncaring, stoic, and controlling. At the same time, they are often expected to work and provide, to be useful, to make wise decisions and to eventually amass enough wealth to retire. I find that many men lose their personal sense of identity if they buy into either of these world views.

A “Real Man” According to Scripture

Scripture is the place to learn what a man should be and do. So, what does the Bible say it is to be a “real man?”

1. A real man controls his passions and emotions.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Single or married, men are not to pursue immoral passions or sexual exploits. Real men do not dwell on what is evil. Real men follow God with a heart of compassion and lead with confidence of knowing who and what they are. Real men think clearly and have a conscience that is clear.

2. A real man provides for, protects, and serves his family.

1 Timothy 5:8 says, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Real men provide for the family on multiple levels, including emotional and spiritual needs.

Men are called to be servant-leaders, to take responsibility for putting the needs of their wives and children above their own needs. They are called to demonstrate selfless, sacrificial love—the type of love we see in God toward his children.

Men do not abuse women or children; men are protectors. It seems pretty simple to say real men protect their families from physical harm, but men also need to protect loved ones from other kinds of harm. Proverbs 4:10–15 describes a father who protects his son by passing on wisdom, helping him build godly character. A good father trains his children, prepares them for life, and helps them become responsible adults who will know how to cope with this world and its culture.

3. A real man follows God’s design for him.

Micah 6:8 says, “He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” The core of a man’s life should be his relationship with God. The man who walks humbly with God is motivated and empowered to step up and assume the difficult responsibilities that come his way. Leonard Sweet said, “Your life is not your own; it belongs to God. To ‘be yourself’ is to be and do what God wants you to be and do, knowing that God created you for a mission and knows you and your mission better than you do.”

4. A real man shows compassion.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God…since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. – 1 John 4:7, 11-12

Therapeutic Goals

If we understand and agree with the biblical view of what a real man is, then why don’t we live it? That is where therapeutic care comes in. Here are some areas that I believe need to be addressed therapeutically in men who want to be mentally and spiritually healthy:

1. Become aware of character issues.

All men struggle with character issues. They are not perfect, but they are also not all bad. Therapeutically, I want to help them be better men. One of the reasons for therapy is to become a better version of themselves.

2. Recognize thinking errors.

All men have what I call thinking errors. In therapy, we try to recognize what those errors look like and then we eliminate them and replace them with healthy thinking.

3. Understand the role of emotions.

Too many men dismiss emotions as unimportant. I try to help them recognize that emotions are what fuel their behaviors.

4. Control their anger and impulses.

We decide either to act out in anger or to handle our anger in healthy ways. Therapy can help us recognize when and how we get angry and teach us the tools to deal with that anger.

5. Learn why a marriage relationship is vital.

I help men realize the importance of treating their wives in a way that makes them feel safe, cared for, desired, and protected.

6. Be stewards of what God has given them.

If money can control things, it can also control us. It may also be tempting to use it to control other people. A healthy perspective is that money exists to provide for real needs.

7. Connect with other men and hold each other accountable.

Group therapy can help men connect to other men so that they have the support and accountability that encourages growth.

8. Know that change is possible.

Sometimes this realization comes as a “conversion moment.” Therapy can help us see something we cannot not see on our own. Therapy helps us see a new way of being.

This is a short list of some of the therapeutic outcomes I work towards with clients in my practice and in the men’s group I lead called The Core. However, we are not two-dimensional people. There is no magic formula; each man has unique experiences and their partners have unique needs.

If you are grappling with anything mentioned in this article and it is leading to disruption in your relationships, let us help you through these tough and confusing issues! Please give our office a call at (206) 219-0145 for more information or contact our Client Care Team.