acf domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6170premium-addons-for-elementor domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/digitalark/public_html/marriage.digitalark.com/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6170When thinking about what’s working and what’s not working in a marriage, it can be easy to start with a list of complaints about where your spouse is not meeting your needs. But I suggest that you each start by examining how you are meeting your spouse’s needs first. Taking a close look at our own behavior before we offer critique on our spouse’s flaws allows us to come into the conversation from a place of humility and self-awareness. And there’s a good chance that you will each catch the areas where you need to grow before your spouse even points them out.
Here are a few questions for each of you to consider individually:
Once you’ve each answered all the questions, spend some time discussing your answers with each other in humility and honesty: recognize that this process is crucial to giving your marriage a fresh start. Acknowledge and apologize for the areas where you scored low. Have a collaborative discussion about how you can each do better in the areas where you scored below a 3, and commit to growth in those areas. If emotions become heated and your conversation becomes oppositional rather than collaborative, take a time out and consider seeking outside help to fully evaluate your marriage.
At the Marriage Recover Center, we offer a Marriage Evaluation Package for couples in need of a more thorough check-up on their relationship or couples who already recognize that there are problems. The 3-session package includes a 1-hour session for each individual and a 1-hour joint session. At the end of the 3-hour evaluation, your counselor will help you develop a plan for how you can grow as a couple and what you will need to do to get there. Learn more about the Marriage Evaluation Package here or call us at (206) 219-0145 for a fresh start.
]]>
Sex Addiction is not yet recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), though it is anticipated that it will be included in the next edition and it is considered one of a handful of “process” or “behavioral” addictions. Process addiction is a medical term that refers to addictions that are not related to substances, but rather to a behavior such as sex, gambling, and gaming.
The individual is not addicted to a substance but the behavior or the feeling brought about by the relevant action.
In sex addiction, the sexual behavior is no longer associated with pleasure or enjoyment in the relationship or with the development of intimacy. The sexual acting out becomes intertwined with the management of feelings—escaping painful dynamics in one’s life, relieving anxiety, avoiding primary relationships, punishing one’s partner, and an out-of-control arousal system that is never satiated or satisfied.
Having a sex addiction does not mean you are addicted to sex, but rather you have a compulsive relationship to sexual behavior and it is interfering with your life.
The behaviors exhibited in sexual addiction can be wide and varied, ranging from chronic infidelity, compulsive masturbation, or pornography use to voyeurism or constant demand for sexual behaviors within the primary relationship. Though the specific behaviors may vary, there are many common traits amongst those struggling with sex addiction, including, but not limited to:
If you or your partner identify with one or more of these symptoms, you may be dealing with an addiction. If an addiction is present, it is important to understand that the relationship to the addiction is the primary relationship in that person’s world. One of the hallmarks of addiction is there is always an escalation of behavior—increased time, cost, and risk—that, if untreated, will get worse.
Seek a clinician who has specific training in addiction, ideally a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) to evaluate and assess your behaviors and history of acting out to determine if there is an addiction and to help identify a course of treatment.
It is important to recognize that not everyone who lies about their sexual behavior is an addict, nor is everyone who cheats a sex addict. But, if you do have a sex addiction, you will need specialized help and support in overcoming these damaging behaviors and addressing the toll it has taken on you and your relationships. We at the Marriage Recovery Center would love to help you do that!
For more information, please contact us at (206) 219-0145.
]]>
You’ve likely already spent time and energy trying to talk about things that aren’t working well, but to no end or resolution. If the dysfunction has gone on long enough, you probably can’t even pinpoint the problem anymore; it simply all feels like a tangled mess that you don’t have the words to explain. Reconnecting with your spouse can feel daunting.
When it sounds overwhelming, or even impossible, to imagine overhauling your marriage, it might help to reframe how you are thinking about your situation and shift your focus from what was and is, to what your marriage can become. If you think about it, marriage is the place in which you are the most deeply challenged to consider who you are and who you want to be. Let that be the filter for your motivation to seek change and deepen your relationship with your spouse.
As you head into a new year, take this opportunity to take stock of your relationship. Where is your relationship headed? Is it headed where you want it to go? Are you intentionally giving your relationship vital nutrients to help it flourish? What do you need to do to create safety, trust, intimacy, and connection?
Here are a few suggestions for how to deepen your connection with your spouse:
The greater your self-protection, the less your spouse can connect with you. Break the self-protection by showing up authentically, inviting conversation that makes room for both voices, and resolving conflict in ways that prioritize staying connected.
No one can fix your anger but you. A healthy relationship requires deeply rooted peace for there to be deeply rooted connection.
In a healthy relationship, both nonverbal and verbal reactions are mostly positive. Take an inventory of your gut responses to your spouse. Do they tend toward the negative, such as fear, suspicion, self-protection, or anxiety? Or are they more positively oriented, such as affirming, curious, and inviting?
If you want love to be the foundation of your relationship, you have to sow what will reap love. If you choose actions that invite authentic communication, intimacy, and connection, you make it easy for your spouse to choose to love you. You can reconnect with your spouse in a meaningful way.
If you feel disconnected from your spouse, give us a call and let us help you deepen your connection! Contact our Client Care team here or call us at (206) 219-0145 to get started.
]]>These relationship dynamics impact other areas of our lives and generate toxic stress. Sleep disturbance, changes in diet, and fatigue are common. All of these symptoms associated with toxic stress cause changes in behavior, as we try to cope or self-medicate. Continuously elevated emotions can result in irritability, outbursts of anger, or uncontrollable crying. If you’re wondering whether healing is possible, I have outlined below some simple steps you can take that will help you begin the healing process.
Relationships exist between two people. It takes a willingness from both people to change the abusive and hurtful dynamics present in a relationship. While this is no easy task, it can be possible with the right interventions. First, I suggest finding a good time to discuss the need for change with your spouse. Avoid accusations. Keep it simple and direct. Focus on what you want for your relationship, not what you don’t want. Keep the conversation collaborative and invite them to work with you toward these goals.
If you find yourself suddenly in the middle of an emotionally escalating conflict, take a break. If you catch yourself about to say or do something destructive—pause. This is much easier said than done; stopping yourself at peak emotion is incredibly difficult. However, continuing to engage in abusive dynamics will result in more frustration and damage. Rebuilding trust takes time, but also requires demonstration that you are capable of change.
Take an honest look at your current self-care regime. Do what is needed to increase your emotional and physical health. This is important for reducing your body’s toxic stress levels. Consider how you’re doing in these areas: physical health, substance use, social support, hygiene, diet, exercise, and sleep.
Boundaries cannot control another person’s behavior (although, wouldn’t that be nice?!). Rather, they determine how we act and respond to various situations. Boundaries are designed to keep us safe and prevent toxic stress. This is an important, but often difficult step toward recovery, as toxic relationships have a way of dissolving boundaries.
If redefining your boundaries seems confusing, start by making a list of behaviors or situations that have hurt you in the past. Then imagine a healthy response to each of them that enforces your safety. This helps you recognize and respond to these situations before they escalate, and gives you back a sense of control. Also keep in mind that boundaries are not static; they can change over time. For example, you may not be comfortable with sexual intimacy currently, but that may change over time. Focus on what is currently needed to keep you feeling safe.
If a toxic relationship has caused significant damage in your life, one of the first steps to recovery is recognition and validation of the nature and extent of the trauma. Often, though, early attempts to get this validation from your partner results in continued cycles of defensiveness, self-preservation, accusations, and invalidation, leaving you feeling even more alone and without hope of recovery.
This is where trauma recovery work is critical. It’s important to focus on your own recovery first before attempting to seek restoration of the relationship. This will take time. Your spouse likely will need counseling as well to help them break their patterns of defensiveness.
Navigating recovery and re-building the healthy relationship you long for can be a daunting task. You will need the expert guidance of someone who knows how to lead you and your spouse through the process. We have been doing this for many years and would love to come alongside you and guide you on your healing journey. Click here to speak with a Client Care Specialist who can help you figure out the best next steps.
]]>We’ve all had those moments when we feel like someone is being “too emotional.” But the reality is, without emotions, relationships would simply be a series of transactions. Emotions are what make us feel connected in relationships. It’s why you fell in love in the first place. Emotions in and of themselves are not bad. It’s how we react to them that can cause harm.
If you have difficulty understanding and empathizing with your spouse’s emotions, below are some tips on how to listen to your spouse’s feelings.
Be aware of your own emotional responses. If you want to be attentive to your spouse’s emotions, you need to be aware of your own. But be very careful not to make this all about your emotions and what you’re feeling. While being mindful of how you’re feeling is important, you may need to put your own emotions and reactions aside for a moment to fully engage in these next few steps.
If what your spouse is saying makes you feel defensive or angry, remember this: it’s okay to feel that way, but don’t act on it. The emotions that we are experiencing are not the problem. It’s the behaviors and words we use as a result of how we feel that can cause serious harm. So before you react, pause and don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind, as it is very likely that you will cause some damage if you do that. I talk more about how to communicate your feelings in a healthy way in my companion blog “How To Communicate Your Feelings To Your Spouse.”
Do this without interrupting and without judgment. Do not respond with blaming—this is typically an attempt to bypass responsibility. Avoid jumping to problem-solving mode—this might make your spouse feel like you just want to end the conversation. While this might be exactly what you want, it probably is not what they need from you at that moment.
Yes, more listening. But this time you can talk. You might wonder what you should say in that situation. The thing you are trying to be attentive to is your spouse’s emotion. Try asking, “When that happens, how does it make you feel?” Or, “What happened that caused you to feel this way?” Whatever you say, if your spouse detects any amount of contempt or sarcasm in your voice, the conversation might be over before it even gets off the ground, and you’ve lost a chance to connect, so be very careful how you ask things.
After your spouse tells you what they are feeling and why, name and validate the emotion. Do this without judgment. Your spouse is entitled to feel whatever they are experiencing, even though you may not understand why, and regardless of whether or not you would have the same emotional reaction. Remember that you are validating the emotion; this doesn’t mean you have to validate or accept their behaviors or certain words they may have used. Try saying “I didn’t know that was making you feel [emotion]” or “I’m sorry you felt [emotion] because I did that.” Not only will the person feel more connected to you, but validation helps regulate emotions back to baseline. An emotionally calmer conversation means a more productive conversation.
Again, a good place to start is by asking questions. For example, you can ask “If that happens again, what do you want me to do instead?” Remain open to suggestions. Do not make promises that you cannot keep but affirm your intention to make changes where you can. Your spouse may not be fully emotionally regulated yet—give them time and space if they need it. Alternatively, your spouse might want reassurance with a hug or your words. The simple act of thanking them for sharing or reinforcing how much you value your spouse and your relationship can be an important step towards reconnection.
If the struggle to navigate the sea of emotions has become a stumbling block in your relationship, it may be time to seek outside help. We at the Marriage Recovery Center have helped thousands of couples learn how to better understand their mate and their emotions, and we would love to help you as well! Click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to discuss your needs and how to get started.
]]>Emotions are indicator lights, giving us information about situations or relationships. Emotions give our bodies and brains signals for how we should act to keep us safe and help maintain healthy relationships. When someone acknowledges and validates our emotions, they validate our experience. This allows intimacy to grow and helps us to feel safe in relationships. I talk more about empathetic listening in “How To Listen To Your Spouse’s Feelings.” Often when we experience emotions, especially intense negative emotions, we want to do something about them right in that moment. You probably want to go tell your spouse exactly what’s on your mind. Or you might want to engage in numbing activities like excessive alcohol or drugs to avoid what you are feeling. If you are overcome with strong emotions, here are some steps to communicate them in a way that allows you to feel heard and understood.
Remember that emotions don’t cause harm, but what we choose to do or say because of the emotions can be very harmful.
First, name your emotion. Maybe you can name three or four emotions that you are experiencing all at once. That’s good! While it may be overwhelming and uncomfortable, you have a name for the emotions and that’s a great start. Next, try to rate the intensity of the emotions on a scale of one to ten. Ask yourself, “Does the intensity of the emotion match the situation?” Imagine you feel like falling onto the floor crying or throwing something while screaming. Did you just experience profound grief and loss, like the death of a loved one? Perhaps the intensity fits. Did your spouse just drink from your favorite mug and then leave it out, dirty? Perhaps the intensity of the emotion doesn’t fit the situation.
If the intensity of the emotion does not fit, your next goal is to regulate until it does. Don’t tell your spouse what you’re feeling yet. While it is often helpful to journal or talk to yourself about how you’re feeling, in this case, it may only serve to heighten the emotion, and the intensity, by continuing to place it at the center of your attention. Instead, use a healthy distraction or calming activity, like taking a bath or going for a walk while listening to music, until the intensity of the emotion fits the situation.
Now that your emotional intensity matches the situation, you’re ready to talk. Remember, the goal isn’t to get rid of the emotion completely before discussion; the goal is to make sure the intensity fits the situation. Approach your spouse in a calm, confident manner. If you don’t feel calm and confident—fake it. You might just trick your brain and your body into feeling it. Ask if you can share with them. Try saying, “Can I share with you something I’m feeling right now?” If they say no, ask when a better time would be.
Now you can get into the meat of it. Tell your spouse how you are feeling. Briefly summarize why you are feeling this way. When you describe the situation, stick to the facts. Do not include your beliefs about the situation or make accusations, demands, or threats. Also, try not to bring up past arguments. Here’s a script you could follow: “I feel [emotion] when [situation].” An example might be “I feel really lonely and unappreciated when you get home and turn on the TV without talking to me first.” You may want to add a statement about what you believe is your spouse’s best intention or a similar goal you have. “I know you care about how I feel,” or “I know we said we were going to work on sharing with each other, so I thought I’d try telling you how I felt today.” It is incredibly difficult to argue with someone who is stating something positive.
Be aware of your body language and tone of voice. If you are acting like a prickly porcupine—even if your script is spot on—you’re eliminating opportunity to continue the conversation. Your spouse might try to provide an explanation for their actions. They might even say something mean or blaming. If your goal for this conversation is connection and receiving validation for your emotions, don’t get distracted by what they say. You may even have to ignore some of it.
If you are not receiving the response you hoped for, sometimes taking a break from the conversation is helpful. If you just were verbally attacked or invalidated, your emotions might have just shot back up. Go back and repeat step 3: Regulate.
You might not receive the exact response you were looking for, but if your spouse seems to be trying, accept it. There’s always room for future improvement. You may need to ask for something specific like, “Will you please remember to rinse out my favorite mug after you use it?” Humor can lighten a tense mood, but remember to keep the sarcasm out. You will likely still be experiencing some degree of uncomfortable emotion, even after the conversation. Focus on something that will allow you to feel opposite emotions… and if it is something that will also make you feel more connected to your spouse—even better! This might be a hug, a joke, or sharing a meal or activity together.
If you’ve tried all of these things but are still struggling to feel heard and understood in your relationship, there may be some deeper, unresolved issues that need to be addressed. Or maybe you’ve been stuck in these negative patterns for so long that you simply need help breaking out of the cycle of destructive communication. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in restoring emotional connection and would love to help you find new ways of relating to your spouse. Take the first step to a better marriage. Click here to contact our Client Care Team.
]]>So, here’s my answer: Both narcissism and codependence are anchored in misplaced responsibility.
Both extremes rely upon an external frame of reference to determine their next steps. That is, they rely on other people, circumstances, belief systems, and past experiences to determine how they show up in the world. It takes great courage, intentionality and wisdom to choose your next steps based on who you are and how you want to show up. It is much easier to resort to complacency… and ultimately the destructive behaviors that destroy relationships.
Both ends of this spectrum make excuses for their behavior based upon what has been done to them, how the world has acted upon them, rather than how they can act upon the world. This encapsulates victim mentality, and is rooted in fear. Those on the narcissistic end of the spectrum use anger and entitlement to control and subdue what they fear. Those on the codependent side use false peace-making to control and subdue what they fear. Both sides are in hiding and blame external forces for their inability to change. They place the responsibility for their internal world fully on the shoulders of the external world around them… and thus do not take responsibility for their own thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.
The most simple definition of misplaced responsibility is when someone blames others for their short comings. It’s easy to blame our spouse, our kids, our upbringing, our job and others for our problems. The problem is, when we don’t see our own role in how we got here, we can’t change the very thing that is causing our world to fall apart.
Other examples of misplaced responsibility include:
The idea that we are simply victims of our circumstances makes for an easy excuse for destructive and self-destructive behaviors. Again, if you consider both The Narcissist and The Codependent, ultimately both extremes are grounded in hiding and self-protection. Both try to get what they want in controlling, manipulative ways in order to protect themselves. There is a prevailing myth that hiding who we really are will mean safety, security, and love. And THAT is where the self-destruction is relevant: We are not meant to be alone, but when we hide ourselves, we are ultimately responsible for our aloneness.
There is an unofficial diagnosis called Responsibility Deficit Disorder. According to Paul E. Olsen, MS, the criteria that distinguishes someone who has been diagnosed with this condition are:
(Olsen, Paul E. (1996). Responsibility Deficit Disorder. [Online]. Perspectives. [1996, November 15].)
There are many similarities between what Olsen describes and victim mentality, or victim syndrome.
Dr. Robert Leahy, PhD and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, has named these characteristics of victim-oriented thinking:
So why do so many people choose to believe thoughts that keep them trapped, powerless and fearful? Because there are benefits to maintaining a victim mentality! It’s easier to point fingers when something goes wrong. When the outcome is bad, you’d rather believe the cause was someone or something else than take responsibility. Changing ourselves is hard!! It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy and there is too much at stake!
The point I want to make is this: We all have many valid reasons for doing what we do, but remaining in a victim mentality, regardless of whatever label we give it, we become obstacles to our own healing.
If you truly want healing, you will have to stop finger pointing and turn the focus on yourself, on your responsibility to show up as the person God created, purposed and called you to be. Each of us is responsible for the person we are inviting others to relate to.
The question you are probably asking is: How? How do I come out of hiding with strength, courage, and a steadfast heart? How do I show up? How do I operate within the circumstances I find myself caught up in? How do I break free of the strongholds that are destroying me/us?
Here are some suggestions for how to begin this process:
If you want to understand how misplaced responsibility may be sabotaging your healing and relationships, call our office at (206) 219-0145 to schedule a Mini Intensive or click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist to learn more about our services.
]]>According to healthresearchfunding.org, at least 60% of all marriages in the U.S. will experience one form of infidelity. Yes, there is more than one way to cheat contrary to a lot of societal opinions. Physical affairs can result in a lot of damage for all parties involved once the secret is out, but emotional affairs are just as dangerous. Emotional infidelity is subtle as the individuals partaking in the act tend to view the contact as innocent since no physical touch is taking place. However, the mere vulnerability the individuals share with one another can offer the same passionate escape from married life, and ultimately a desire to be around the other person more. Many people perceive emotional affairs as harmless, but it can be equally damaging to a relationship as a physical affair.
Every couple should have a mutual understanding of what constitutes as cheating and be clear about where you draw the line in your relationship when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. Is flirting with the cashier at the grocery store checkout lane crossing the line? What about close friendships with the opposite sex? In today’s digital world, a cheater’s paradise is at the highpoint. With the plethora of social media sites, the amounts of questioning and dissolution of boundaries can easily be overlooked.
For example, one couple came into my office because the husband was liking and following several pictures of attractive females on his Facebook feed daily. The wife demanded that he seek help. Although this may not be the definition of cheating for you, where are those lines defined? Where and when do you tell your partner to stop before the innocent “liking” on Facebook or Instagram leads to instant messaging, and then progresses from there.
Esther Perel is an iconic couple’s therapist that has traveled the world studying couples within various cultures and contexts. Her work is expanded in her literature as well as her numerous TedTalks on infidelity. One book I recommend to couples who are recovering from an affair is “The State of Affairs.” This book offers insight into what one can expect after an affair has taken place from various points of views including the cheater, their partner, and the other individual involved. It is too common to overlook the party involved as they too may be in a relationship of their own.
One of the chapters in Perel’s book titled ‘Even Happy People Cheat,’ is not only full of curiosity, but is also daunting and threatening, especially if you have ever considered your own relationship safe from infidelity. However, truth be told, it can happen to anyone, happy or not – obvious or not. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but the fact is there are a lot of individuals in relationships who may feel as though they are dead, lost, or confused. Although the relationship is thriving as a team, there still may be one who feels stolen of their true identity, therefore will seek it out in others instead of exploring it within themselves.
Now I do not want to play devil’s advocate, or to cause any negative fixation and paranoia. My intent with providing this information is only for you to be fully aware of any detachment you and your partner may be having. Just because the book sectionalizes happy marriages as being at risk, does not mean there are still signs that can be read by either party and brought up to be discussed.
Here are some of the steps you can take to safeguard your marriage:
Staying on the same page is key, especially with intimacy and expressing your own wants and needs. Encourage your partner and ask the same of them in terms of harvesting your own unique interests. The point is relationships are work. Marriages are work. It is a daily upkeep that must be tended to in total transparency with love, kindness, and respect.
If you are feeling “off” make it a necessity to inform your partner right away. Start with “I” statements such as “I am feeling upset.” Do not place blame on your partner for feeling this way and instead take full accountability for your emotions. The more you speak to one another about these uncomfortable feelings, the less likely you will be putting yourself into a quicksand of temptation.
Setting aside a few minutes every day to connect with your spouse keeps the intimacy flowing, and the senses-of-self growing. However, when doing so make sure to keep all distractions at bay to the best of your control – phones should be placed aside and have the TV off.
These three simple practices can help to ensure that you are tuned in to the state of your relationship and attending to each of your needs.
Whether your world has been turned upside down by the recent discovery of an affair, or you are continuing to struggle with trust and intimacy issues even though the affair may be a thing of the past, we want you to know that it is possible to find healing. Let us help you navigate the turmoil you’re experiencing and forge a path forward. Take the first step and contact our Client Care Team today.
]]>Unfortunately, for many couples, one of the reasons they are in a crisis is because they waited too long to get help. Consider Tim, a man whose wife left him after he had ignored her numerous requests for them to go to marriage counseling. Now it appeared to him that she was gone for good. He was panicked and was having a hard time sleeping and focusing on his work. He was in a crisis.
I agreed to work with Tim and helped him take some immediate actions to stabilize his life, as well as some actions he might take to possibly save his marriage. We also talked about what he could do to maintain perspective and hope in the face of a seemingly hopeless situation. Tim’s story is a common one. He had been given numerous warnings to change, which he dismissed. His wife had asked to go to counseling which he had ignored, saying he thought they could handle their own problems. Out of desperation she had left and indicated she did not want any contact. It is very tempting in such a crisis to make a number of mistakes in an attempt to stabilize a troubling situation.
Here is my advice for what to do if you find yourself in a crisis like Tim:
First, be careful not to overreact. Our emotions run wild when facing a crisis. Our brain screams DANGER. We tend to panic and in our panic-driven state don’t think clearly. We think all or nothing, black and white and catastrophe. We must, as we work to calm ourselves, remind ourselves to try not to overreact and realize the storm will pass. Things always become clearer in time. It is best to pause, spend time quietly considering our situation and not make any sudden decisions.
Second, try to maintain a sense of normalcy. Yes, I know this sounds impossible, but eating well, good sleep and exercise are critical to your emotional health and will help you to make better decisions. Continue to go to work and all the other aspects of your life. As distracted as you are by your crisis, and as much as you want to do everything and anything to fix the situation, do all the activities that have brought you comfort in the past.
Third, get immediate support and seek out wise counsel. You need lots of support during a crisis. Don’t make the mistake of believing you are bothering people by asking for support. True friends will be happy you have reached out to them and are willing to listen to your story and offer hope which is desperately needed. Be very careful, however, not to use this opportunity to malign your mate or make it appear you are the “right” one in the situation.
Fourth, get professional counseling. As vital as it is to have the support of friends, they can’t replace professional, unbiased help. Find an experienced marriage counselor that will help you understand the actions that led up to the crisis, but also help you discover hope in the midst of the crisis.
Fifth, discover the critical message in the crisis. A crisis, for as horrific as it is, can be the best time to discover more about yourself and your marriage. Consider the reasons your mate took the actions they did. Why has this crisis occurred? What do you need to learn from this situation? Be brutally honest with yourself and begin the process of change and growth;
Finally, ask what God can teach you in the crisis. You are not alone in your crisis. God is in the mix with you and wants to teach you things about yourself and His will for your life. He wants to mold you into his image and cares deeply for you. Spend time in prayer and meditation, reflecting on Scriptures that offer hope and healing. Are you facing a crisis? Consider the opportunity in the crisis and what you can learn from it. If you need help right now, we are here for you. Please contact us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to get immediate help, or schedule a free call with a Client Care Specialist here.
]]>
What can I do to control my anger in a time of conflict?
Anger can feel all-consuming, especially in the midst of a heated argument or conflict. Our minds race, our thoughts buzz, and our hearts pound. For some, it takes over and the results are emotionally disastrous. Explosive behavior can cause a person to yell, scream, say hurtful things, and even react with physical aggression.
When anger erupts during a conflict with your spouse, a friend, or even a stranger, it can tarnish, damage, or end the relationship. Repeated instances can have lasting effects. It can affect your spouse’s self-esteem, erode trust, or even worse, change how they respond to you, making them quicker to retaliate or retreat.
Many of us have an adverse reaction to our own anger. We can feel ashamed of being out of control with our actions and emotions. But the truth is, it is unavoidable. It is a basic human emotion that is physiologically sewn into our beings.
Anger can serve a purpose—it lets us know that something we value has been violated. So, the goal is not to avoid ever feeling angry, but to learn to control how negativity affects us and how we react to the emotion, especially as it builds and we risk losing control and possibly even hurting others.
The best way to control your emotions is before an incidence of anger arises. Here are some steps you can take now to help you respond to your emotions rather than react.
Understand: The first step to controlling your anger is understanding the mechanism that causes this powerful emotion. It is hardwired into our brains and bodies.
When a trigger arises, our brain sends an impulse to the amygdala, igniting our fight or flight response. In turn, the adrenal glands begin releasing adrenaline and testosterone. These hormones can trigger aggression. Luckily, our prefrontal cortex exists. This part of the brain helps us make decisions, keeps our hostility reigned in, and guides us towards rational actions.
Reflect: Take some time to reflect. Write down your thoughts as you remember past scenarios that led you to lose your temper.
What emotions you were feeling, and how you responded. Is there a pattern of triggers, like feeling challenged, blamed, or accused by your spouse? If so, watch for these triggers and be prepared for the emotional response that is likely to occur.
Accept responsibility: Following an incidence of uncontrolled anger, many people are prone to shift the blame onto the victim. Recognizing that you are responsible and able to control your response to anger is a crucial step to breaking the harmful patterns.
You may feel out of control during a conflict, but you must accept that you have the ability to control your actions.
Of course, we recommend diffusing conflict before you reach your threshold. But should a conflict occur, and you feel your insides brewing, here are some additional steps you can take:
Verbalize your feelings: Recognize, acknowledge, and verbalize both to yourself and your spouse, that you are starting to feel angry. This allows your prefrontal cortex to gain more control of the decision-making process. Verbalizing how you feel also allows your spouse the opportunity to acknowledge your anger as well.
Step away: Stay present but choose to control your actions and step away from the conflict. As soon as you start to feel the physical manifestations of anger, like your heart rate going up and tension gripping your body, take a deep breath, and choose to leave. Tell your spouse “I need a moment to calm down.” or “I need some time and space to collect myself.”
Be mindful: Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how strong your anger is. Talk yourself into calming down, and if you can’t, turn to a positive outlet to burn off your built-up angst.
It can be anything from going for a walk, exercising, or listening to music or a podcast. Any activity that you enjoy and takes your mind off the incident can relieve the tension and calm your nervous system.
Do not re-enter the conversation until you are fully composed and calm: Wait to have a conversation with your counselor, if need be. Having someone help you work through your anger and what’s causing your anger can allow you to heal.If your anger has become destructive or chronic and is hurting your relationships, contact our office to find out about our anger management program.
With the right tools and guidance over time, you can reduce the harmful effects of anger on your life and in your relationships.
]]>