Understanding Trauma

Most of us think of trauma as an event that caused us significant distress. In the fields of physical medicine and psychology, trauma is the injury or damage sustained by an individual, from an event, or series of events. This is an important distinction to make, because treatment focuses on healing these damages – perhaps also on mitigation or avoidance of future injury – but does not attempt to change or reverse the event itself, which has already passed. Trauma is not the overwhelming event itself, but the adverse effects and damage to the individual.

It’s somewhat easier to comprehend trauma and treatment of trauma in the context of physical injuries because physical injuries are in many cases visible, or easily identified by the symptoms. Psychological trauma is much more difficult to define, recognize, or measure, because the effects on the psyche aren’t as apparent.  There isn’t a clear, direct connection between the injury and the symptoms. However, there are a variety of diagnostic tools that behavioral health clinicians use to identify and measure the effects of psychological trauma on an individual.

Let me first provide a precise definition of trauma. Trauma occurs when the following three criteria are true. First, exposure to an event, or series of events, that harms or threatens harm (physical or psychological). Second, this event overwhelms the individual’s ability to respond, escape, or make it stop. Third, reactions or adaptations resulting from exposure to the event creates significant difficulty in functioning.

“It’s not about what we have experienced in our lives, but how we come to understand it.”  – Mary Main

Mary Main, a psychologist and researcher in the field of attachment, distinguishes between “resolved” and “unresolved” trauma. This means that although someone may experience a particularly traumatic series of events, and develop adverse coping strategies or experience impact in certain areas of their lives, there is hope of recovery and significant change.

2 Keys to Recovering From Trauma

Now you may be wondering why some people seem to be more adversely affected by negative experiences than others who are able to recover fairly quickly.  Two mitigating factors that play a very important role in the recovery process are support and resiliency.   “Support” is the recognition and validation of not only our experience, but of our emotional response to these experiences.

Imagine receiving particularly devastating news, or experiencing something distressing. Who do you go to first?  These are the people in our lives who “get it” and are most likely to affirm your experience and your emotions.  Some people have more of this type of supports in their lives – through family, friends and social groups, while others have very little support.

Resilience, the second factor in how well people recover from trauma, is a measure of how much adversity and stress a person can manage without becoming dysregulated. It is also a measure of an individual’s capacity for flexibility, acceptance, and adaptation in the face of adversity and stress. Resilience is not innate; it is developed over time. Developmental factors, especially the quality of our earliest relationships in life, play a huge role in acquisition of resilience. Resilience can also diminish over time. Factors such as lack of access to support, abuse, changes in physical health, and chronic stress can decrease resilience significantly.

Therapy and behavioral interventions can be very effective in the treatment of trauma. Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we offer a Trauma Recovery Sessions Package to guide you through the recovery process, starting with a thorough, in-depth assessment of your trauma response, leading into a customized plan to help you move beyond the trauma and heal.  For more information, please reach out to our Client Care Team or call (206) 219-0145.

The Mayo Clinic defines Borderline Personality Disorder as “a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.”  A more compact definition used by ICD-9 is “A disorder characterized by extreme black and white thinking and turbulent relationships. (ICD-9: 301.83)

“We were created for connection, and when that connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.”

The more I’ve studied psychology, and the deeper I’ve dived into peoples’ stories, the more convinced I am that every psychological disorder, including  BPD, has its basis in attachment disruption. Every dysfunction seems to stem from a root of neglect, abandonment and abuse. This thought brings me to the account in Genesis that began with God saying it was not good for man to be alone.  God’s solution to the problem of loneliness was about much more than simply providing a companion.  It was about attachment, which was designed to be permanent. At our core, we were created to be connected.  And when connection becomes warped or broken, dysfunction ensues.

The attachment issue is critical to relationship development, and also to relationship dysfunction. BPD, for example, is marked by the inability to cope with rejection or abandonment. There is a very strong correlation between the self-protective behaviors (which are also often self-destructive) used to identify BPD and normal responses to the relational trauma of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and unmet needs. In other words, emotional abuse will elicit many of the same behaviors used to diagnose BPD.

The constant power and control tactics of narcissistic abusers cause victims to lose their sense of self and eventually leave them numb, empty, and utterly confused. What ensues is self-image issues and dysfunctional choices resulting from a relational frame of reference that is based upon a faulty, trauma-informed internal narrative.  The victim experiences cognitive dissonance between a sense of hyper-independence because they are left to fend for themselves, and a desperate clinging from fear of abandonment.  This “no one can be trusted” and “it’s all up to me” belief system impairs their ability to cultivate healthy connection.  There is no reciprocity or mutuality in their thinking, therefore there is no reciprocity or mutuality in their relationships.

How trauma impacts attachment formation

Past trauma to attachment formation compounds the problem because every gap in understanding gets filled with suspicion and threat to their sense of self and belonging. And those behaviors are pervasive when perpetuated/triggered by continued trauma, including perceived threats.  Trauma teaches the brain to perceive everything as a threat.  Even what would normally be seen as “good” or “normal” is viewed with suspicion, looking for the attached string.   Their internal chaos is fed by the narrative of threats within the external relationships which are then acted out with dysfunctional behavior intended to protect themselves from the threat of abandonment.

This can look like making claims that they are “made to do” the harmful, destructive or coercive things they do in response to any behavior they perceive as rejection/abandonment. Examples could be deleting all friends of the opposite sex from their spouse’s social media account, or harming (or threatening to harm) oneself so their mate has to spend the evening taking care of them.  He or she doesn’t accept someone else’s “No, I don’t want to be with you” and works hard to control the relationship to either make them stay in it or attempt to control their other relationships to isolate them.  They may act on a faulty belief that hurting the person they love will make that person stay in the relationship.  And in all of this there is no awareness that their own behavior is self-destructive and sabotaging the very thing they are desperate to fix.  They do not feel connected to their life, let alone the people around them.

So what then, is the answer?

How does one begin to heal from this kind of dysfunction? Healing requires an ownership mindset of self-efficacy and agency, within a context of strong, healthy boundaries. It also requires separating from current abuse and creating a safe space to heal.  It requires learning to regulate your internal environment with grounded, healthy skills rather than frantic, reactive self-destructive habits.  Approaches such as DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and other trauma therapies work effectively for this. The goal is to find and rebuild the self that has been lost and abandoned.  It is also to regain the ability to attach appropriately in relationships.

If you are plagued by fear of abandonment, are unable to regulate your emotions, and find yourself acting out in ways that are destructive to yourself and your relationships, we would love to help you break free from the vicious cycles.  We offer emotional abuse trauma recovery programs, as well as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy led by trauma specialists. Contact us today through our website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com or email us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to speak with a Client Care Specialist who will help you get started.