These relationship dynamics impact other areas of our lives and generate toxic stress. Sleep disturbance, changes in diet, and fatigue are common. All of these symptoms associated with toxic stress cause changes in behavior, as we try to cope or self-medicate. Continuously elevated emotions can result in irritability, outbursts of anger, or uncontrollable crying. If you’re wondering whether healing is possible, I have outlined below some simple steps you can take that will help you begin the healing process.

Five Things You Can Do To Begin Healing

1. It Takes Two

Relationships exist between two people. It takes a willingness from both people to change the abusive and hurtful dynamics present in a relationship. While this is no easy task, it can be possible with the right interventions.  First, I suggest finding a good time to discuss the need for change with your spouse. Avoid accusations. Keep it simple and direct. Focus on what you want for your relationship, not what you don’t want.  Keep the conversation collaborative and invite them to work with you toward these goals.

2.  Pause

If you find yourself suddenly in the middle of an emotionally escalating conflict, take a break. If you catch yourself about to say or do something destructive—pause. This is much easier said than done; stopping yourself at peak emotion is incredibly difficult. However, continuing to engage in abusive dynamics will result in more frustration and damage. Rebuilding trust takes time, but also requires demonstration that you are capable of change.

3.  Take Care of Yourself

Take an honest look at your current self-care regime. Do what is needed to increase your emotional  and physical health. This is important for reducing your body’s toxic stress levels. Consider how you’re doing in these areas: physical health, substance use, social support, hygiene, diet, exercise, and sleep.

4.  Set Boundaries

Boundaries cannot control another person’s behavior (although, wouldn’t that be nice?!). Rather, they determine how we act and respond to various situations. Boundaries are designed to keep us safe and prevent toxic stress. This is an important, but often difficult step toward recovery, as toxic relationships have a way of dissolving boundaries.

If redefining your boundaries seems confusing, start by making a list of behaviors or situations that have hurt you in the past. Then imagine a healthy response to each of them that enforces your safety. This helps you recognize and respond to these situations before they escalate, and gives you back a sense of control. Also keep in mind that boundaries are not static; they can change over time. For example, you may not be comfortable with sexual intimacy currently, but that may change over time. Focus on what is currently needed to keep you feeling safe.

5.  Focus on Your Goals

If a toxic relationship has caused significant damage in your life, one of the first steps to recovery is recognition and validation of the nature and extent of the trauma. Often, though, early attempts to get this validation from your partner results in continued cycles of defensiveness, self-preservation, accusations, and invalidation, leaving you feeling even more alone and without hope of recovery.

This is where trauma recovery work is critical. It’s important to focus on your own recovery first before attempting to seek restoration of the relationship. This will take time.  Your spouse likely will need counseling as well to help them break their patterns of defensiveness.

Navigating recovery and re-building the healthy relationship you long for can be a daunting task. You will need the expert guidance of someone who knows how to lead you and your spouse through the process.  We have been doing this for many years and would love to come alongside you and guide you on your healing journey. Click here to speak with a Client Care Specialist who can help you figure out the best next steps.

My husband has narcissistic personality traits and has been told by a pastor that he is actually on the disorder side of the spectrum. I am working with multiple elders and my adult children to set up an intervention. We have been married 32+ years and he is poised to walk away rather than have a family meeting to talk things through. Things have gotten exponentially worse the last 6 months because he started totally secluding himself.

We are both Christians who don’t believe in divorce, but I realize I have to take a stand for change because he has always been staunchly against outside help, saying if I would be the wife I should be, we would have no problems! What are some angles we can use to get him to an intervention?

A:

Because it sounds like he has historically been opposed to counsel or help, you may not be able to “get him” to an intervention. In this case, you will have to “bring” the intervention to him. Your plan will probably have to be launched as a surprise, rather than an agreed-upon meeting.

Totally secluding oneself is akin to divorce. It is abandonment and neglect of the relationship. There is little left when the only difference in your relationship is a judge’s signature on the certificate of marriage vs. the certificate of divorce. In other words, it is a divorce of the relationship of the marriage without the divorce of the institution of the marriage.

If it is true that he does not believe in divorce, this could be the first point to bring up to express the gravity of the situation and hopefully get his attention. Because you are right, taking a stand is the only way to bring change to the status quo.

Purpose of an Intervention

The purpose of an intervention is to provide an unmistakable confrontation of destructive behavior in a context in which the person responsible cannot avoid seeing the results of their behavior.

In your case, it would be to paint a very clear picture that a relationship is more important to you than the institution of marriage. You are no longer willing to simply be married in name only, and you require that specific behavioral dynamics change so connection can happen. The element of surprise will make it difficult to ignore, deflect, deny, and excuse.

An intervention is intentional and strategic. That means there must be thoughtful planning and a commitment to see the process through. You will need to have a clear definition of what it is you can no longer tolerate, and identify the ways you will no longer enable the destructive patterns, including what boundaries you’ll employ to stay grounded, sane, and safe.

It is important to be lay out the options you’ve decided on based upon the response to the intervention, including a safety plan in case things go awry. The goal will be to invite him into a change process that will result in a better relationship. It helps immensely to have Godly counsel, a skilled facilitator, and people in your corner to help you see your way through, too.

Practical Steps to an Intervention

Here are the practical steps to an intervention:

·       Prepare by reflecting on, and writing out, what it’s been like to be married to your spouse. Look at what you’ve lost and how you’ve been changed along the way. Who have you become? What part of you needs to be recovered?

·       Identify what specific behaviors you will no longer tolerate and the changes you want. For example, isolation and refusing to have collaborative conversations will not create a connected relationship. In this case, the change you’d request is that the two of you agree on the rules of engagement needed to enable meaningful conversations that end in healthy resolutions.

·       Identify and implement boundaries that will keep you grounded, able to think clearly, and stay congruent with who you want to be. Also identify the consequences that will occur when those boundaries are crossed, and be ready to carry them out. For example, if he always acts out during car rides because he knows you’re a captive audience, drive separate cars even if you are going to the same destination.

·       Consult with Godly, wise counsel and a qualified facilitator in order to identify the level of intervention needed, and to make an appropriate plan. In other words, will this be a simple confrontation, or will it require a separation plan, a full team of people who regularly stay involved to provide accountability and mentoring, and potential legal action of some sort?

·       Carry out the intervention. When you’ve done the background work above, decide on a time to confront him. Make sure you have a witness present, and present him with your concerns, your requests for change, and the options you’re prepared to follow through on. Invite your spouse to join you in coming up with a collaborative solution.

·       Require that your spouse be involved in follow-up deep counseling to change his or her destructive behavior.

If you present this crossroad to your spouse, you’ll also need to be ready for whatever comes of it. While our goal is to bring about a breakthrough which ends his or her overwhelming behavior, there is a chance that hard-heartedness may still get in the way. Present your case and wait to see what comes of it.

It may not end the way you hope, but at least you’ll know who your spouse really is where the rubber meets the road. No more guessing, no more carrying the weight of trying to make him or her change. Whichever way your spouse chooses to go, you still get to begin your healing journey based upon a foundation of truth.

We have counselors on staff who specialize in intervention planning and would love to help you. We offer an Intervention Planning Intensive to work through the practical steps of the intervention. Contact our Client Care Team to learn more.Do you have a question or concern about your relationship that you’d like us to address? Our Ask Us series answers reader-submitted questions. Submit your own question here and one of our therapists or coaches might address it in an upcoming blog or video.

Unfortunately, for many couples, one of the reasons they are in a crisis is because they waited too long to get help. Consider Tim, a man whose wife left him after he had ignored her numerous requests for them to go to marriage counseling. Now it appeared to him that she was gone for good. He was panicked and was having a hard time sleeping and focusing on his work. He was in a crisis.

I agreed to work with Tim and helped him take some immediate actions to stabilize his life, as well as some actions he might take to possibly save his marriage. We also talked about what he could do to maintain perspective and hope in the face of a seemingly hopeless situation. Tim’s story is a common one. He had been given numerous warnings to change, which he dismissed. His wife had asked to go to counseling which he had ignored, saying he thought they could handle their own problems. Out of desperation she had left and indicated she did not want any contact. It is very tempting in such a crisis to make a number of mistakes in an attempt to stabilize a troubling situation.

Here is my advice for what to do if you find yourself in a crisis like Tim:

First, be careful not to overreact. Our emotions run wild when facing a crisis. Our brain screams DANGER. We tend to panic and in our panic-driven state don’t think clearly. We think all or nothing, black and white and catastrophe. We must, as we work to calm ourselves, remind ourselves to try not to overreact and realize the storm will pass. Things always become clearer in time. It is best to pause, spend time quietly considering our situation and not make any sudden decisions.

Second, try to maintain a sense of normalcy. Yes, I know this sounds impossible, but eating well, good sleep and exercise are critical to your emotional health and will help you to make better decisions. Continue to go to work and all the other aspects of your life. As distracted as you are by your crisis, and as much as you want to do everything and anything to fix the situation, do all the activities that have brought you comfort in the past.

Third, get immediate support and seek out wise counsel. You need lots of support during a crisis. Don’t make the mistake of believing you are bothering people by asking for support. True friends will be happy you have reached out to them and are willing to listen to your story and offer hope which is desperately needed. Be very careful, however, not to use this opportunity to malign your mate or make it appear you are the “right” one in the situation.

Fourth, get professional counseling.  As vital as it is to have the support of friends, they can’t replace professional, unbiased help. Find an experienced  marriage counselor that will help you understand the actions that led up to the crisis, but also help you discover hope in the midst of the crisis.

Fifth, discover the critical message in the crisis. A crisis, for as horrific as it is, can be the best time to discover more about yourself and your marriage. Consider the reasons your mate took the actions they did. Why has this crisis occurred? What do you need to learn from this situation? Be brutally honest with yourself and begin the process of change and growth;

Finally, ask what God can teach you in the crisis. You are not alone in your crisis. God is in the mix with you and wants to teach you things about yourself and His will for your life. He wants to mold you into his image and cares deeply for you. Spend time in prayer and meditation, reflecting on Scriptures that offer hope and healing. Are you facing a crisis? Consider the opportunity in the crisis and what you can learn from it.  If you need help right now, we are here for you. Please contact us at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com to get immediate help, or schedule a free call with a Client Care Specialist here.

What is Covert Abuse?

Why do we call it covert abuse? Because it’s subtle. And it usually happens behind closed doors. The perpetrator is often a well-liked and respected leader in the community who presents one persona in public and a very different one in private. Covert abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises or marks, so this form of violence often goes undetected, even by friends and family members who are close to the victim.

What does covert abuse look like? It takes the form of constantly blaming, criticizing, accusing, telling the other person that they’re wrong, scoffing at them, scolding them, and, essentially, diminishing what the other person thinks and feels. It can also be in the form of pouting, withdrawing, and withholding love. Now you may think, what real harm can that cause? I would say there is tremendous harm caused by these actions! It’s not easy to understand the debilitating impact of cognitive dissonance – the result when someone says they love you yet constantly criticizes you and makes you feel worthless. Can you imagine the inner chaos that creates?

Any attempt to share this information with friends, family members, and even pastors, leaves victims of emotional abuse feeling dismissed, blamed, and completely isolated. They’re often told that they’re making too much of things, that they just need to pray about it, or they’re given books to learn what they can do to be a better spouse and make things better. For victims of covert emotional abuse, the result is confusion, isolation, a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety, and physical symptoms resembling PTSD.

So, if you can relate to any of these things, the first thing you must do is to get  honest with yourself.  In order to heal, you must first name the problem for what it is. The truth will hurt, but it will set you free.

8 Examples of Covert Abuse

Here are some ways to know if you are in a relationship with a covert abuser.

• Constant criticism and humiliation: Nothing you do is good enough for him or her.
• Overt and covert control: Everything must be done the way he or she wants.
• Taking themselves too seriously: Even the slightest affront becomes trouble for you.
• Name calling/rage reactions: When challenged or frustrated, his or her inner six-year-old comes out and throws a tantrum.
• Emotional Distance: When hurt, he or she will punish you by withdrawing/stonewalling.
• Playing the victim: Whatever problem you have, his or hers is bigger and worse.
• Viewing you as an extension of himself/herself: He or she cannot/will not see you as an individual. You are an extension of his or her wants and desires.
• Subtle or overt threats: Failure to conform leads to threats to your emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical safety. 

Do any of these traits sound like you or your partner? If you feel like you’ve been stumbling along a dark path and every sign along the way only seems to lead to more confusion, give us a call. We can help you make sense of what’s happening and gain clarity on how to find your way out of the mess and move forward in your healing. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Marriage Evaluation. You can also click here to schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.

You’ve likely already spent time and energy trying to talk about things that aren’t working well, but to no end or resolution. If the dysfunction has gone on long enough, you probably can’t even pinpoint the problem anymore; it simply all feels like a tangled mess that you don’t have the words to explain. Reconnecting with your spouse can feel daunting.

When it sounds overwhelming, or even impossible, to imagine overhauling your marriage, it might help to reframe how you are thinking about your situation and shift your focus from what was and is, to what your marriage can become. If you think about it, marriage is the place in which you are the most deeply challenged to consider who you are and who you want to be. Let that be the filter for your motivation to seek change and deepen your relationship with your spouse.

As you head into a new year, take this opportunity to take stock of your relationship. Where is your relationship headed? Is it headed where you want it to go? Are you intentionally giving your relationship vital nutrients to help it flourish? What do you need to do to create safety, trust, intimacy, and connection?

HOW TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Here are a few suggestions for how to deepen your connection with your spouse:

• Be intentional about thinking and behaving in ways that build connection. Are you making room for your spouse to be free to be themselves? Do you allow them to voice their concerns, hopes, and thoughts? Do you fall back into self-protective mode? Self-protection is the opposite of intimacy.

The greater your self-protection, the less your spouse can connect with you. Break the self-protection by showing up authentically, inviting conversation that makes room for both voices, and resolving conflict in ways that prioritize staying connected.

• Figure out what is underlying your anger and deal with it. Anger management has nothing to do with what others are doing to make you angry. It has everything to do with addressing your own internal environment. Dig up the roots of whatever it is you feel entitled to be angry about. What are you fighting for? What are you fighting against?

No one can fix your anger but you. A healthy relationship requires deeply rooted peace for there to be deeply rooted connection.

• Evaluate your internal filter. What are your automatic, unspoken responses to your spouse? Nonverbal cues have a greater impact on a relationship than spoken words, which makes it important to evaluate what you are “saying” with your facial expressions and posture.

In a healthy relationship, both nonverbal and verbal reactions are mostly positive. Take an inventory of your gut responses to your spouse. Do they tend toward the negative, such as fear, suspicion, self-protection, or anxiety? Or are they more positively oriented, such as affirming, curious, and inviting?

• Make room for your spouse to share thoughts, opinions, perceptions, and needs. This is the most foundational way trust is built (or rebuilt) in a relationship. Consistently protect your spouse’s “space” by hearing, validating, asking curious questions, and being okay with differences. Make room for your spouse to be, speak, act, and think how he or she wants to.

If you want love to be the foundation of your relationship, you have to sow what will reap love. If you choose actions that invite authentic communication, intimacy, and connection, you make it easy for your spouse to choose to love you. You can reconnect with your spouse in a meaningful way.

If you feel disconnected from your spouse, give us a call and let us help you deepen your connection! Contact our Client Care team here or call us at (206) 219-0145 to get started.

It may be that you’re not feeling hopeful or confident that this new year will be any different from the last, especially when the last was compounded by the uncertainty between the pandemic and political unrest. You’re tired of hoping for change and connection. Your life has been reduced to a series of survival attempts from one day to the next. There comes a day when the reality of that either destroys you or awakens a fierce anger in you or maybe both.

A New You for the New Year

Listen to your heart.

What do you do when this is your story? How do you find life again? How do you grasp hope? Where do you even begin to attempt to write a different story? It begins with imagination and vision. Imagine an awakening that gives birth to determination to break free of the imprisonment in which you’ve been living. Now imagine that you have the capacity to carry out that feat. It is possible!

I’ve found that it helps many people to be able to name their experience. If narcissistic abuse is part of your story, the name for your experience is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. This label captures everything you’re feeling as the result of the trauma of living under intense stress and oppression from a narcissist. The label doesn’t define you, but it is meant to serve as a launching point for how to find healing. The path often begins with learning to listen to your heart again and believing that what it says is valuable.

Depending on how deeply you’ve been wounded, it may take a long time to hear and trust yourself. Maybe a good place to start is simply to name how you’ve been harmed and give yourself permission to feel the hurts that you’ve been told were ridiculous or blown out of proportion. Grieve the losses of what can never be repaid and break your agreements with the false assumptions and lies you’ve come to believe along the way. Sort out what is truth. This is a process; it will take time.

Rediscover Yourself.

At the same time, begin to define your sense of self based upon truth. What are the character qualities that make up who you are? Pay attention to your thinking and be intentional about walking out those character qualities you want to be. Set a new path and take one small step each day in the direction you want to go, without letting yourself get overwhelmed with what-ifs and what you can’t control. Let yourself believe in you again, even if it’s just a little at a time. Eventually, over time, you will be at a different place than you are right now, simply because you put one foot in front of the other and headed down a new path.

I am not saying it is easy. But this is just the beginning of a life-long process of guarding your heart and paying attention to your path. One of the greatest investments you can make in that process is finding someone who can coach you through the hard stuff.

Take a Step Towards Healing.

Here at the Marriage Recovery Center, we specialize in helping to untangle the chaos that emotional or narcissistic abuse wreaks on your heart and your marriage. While our goal is restoration for marriages, we recognize that reconciliation requires both partners to commit to change. If you are left alone to deal with the heartache in your marriage, or are separated or divorced, hope and healing are possible for you as well. Let us help you chart a new course as you head into the new year! Call our office at (206) 219-0145 or email us at frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com and we’ll help you get started on a new path!

You don’t have to fall victim to the same patterns of conflict and strife you’ve faced in the past. Understanding the causes and how you can better handle the stress can put the merry, jolly, and happy back into your holidays.

Unwrap the reason for the conflict and gift yourself with the tools to deal with it!

If you’ve ever wondered why relationships (whether it’s spouses, siblings, relatives or friends) tend to become particularly strained around the holidays, the answer is simple: the holidays present unique circumstances and expectations that can magnify friction, stress, and conflict. In fact, most people juggle several holiday friction points, which can make it difficult to hold it all together, let alone be jovial.

Common Holiday Conflict Points

Here are some common friction points that tend to surface during the holidays and some tips to mitigate conflict.

1. Holiday Spending

One of the biggest stressors around the holidays is spending. This is no surprise since money is one of the top sources of conflict in relationships. Holidays bring a lot of extra expenses, including gifts, holiday cards, family photos, decorations, extravagant foods for the big family feast, and new clothes for all the holiday parties. As the expenses add up, so does the likelihood of a disagreement on how much money should be spent and on what.

To avoid spending friction, sit down with your spouse, make a list of anticipated expenses, and agree on a budget before beginning your holiday spending. This will ensure you’re both on the same page. Be sure to communicate if an unexpected expense comes up and discuss whether or not you can afford it.

Remember that avoiding dealing with the issue will not make it go away and is more likely to result in greater conflict later. Being able to have an honest conversation with your significant other about the state of your finances, as well as your feelings about your financial habits, is crucial for a healthy relationship.

2. House Guests

In today’s world, spending the holidays with your extended family often requires traveling and staying with relatives or hosting relatives in your home. This creates the potential for multiple friction points. Maybe your in-laws say things that bring up uncomfortable emotions, or maybe the pressure of having a perfectly clean house and being the perfect host leaves you stressed and overwhelmed. What can you do to reduce tension and recapture the joy of the holidays when confronted with reduced privacy and unsolicited input from relatives?

First, set boundaries for the length of time that the guests will stay. This gives you the ability to say to yourself, “It will only be one more hour” or “One more day.” Many people are unsure of how to broach the topic of set departure times, but it can be as simple as stating the start and end time when you first extend the invitation, so guests know when the event is expected to end.

Second, make time for self-care. Just because your in-laws are staying at your house, doesn’t mean you have to devote every waking moment to be with them. For example, if going to the gym is part of your daily routine, stick to it. You can also excuse yourself to go to bed a bit earlier to read, journal, spend time with your significant other, or anything else that will help you decompress.

3. The Pressure of Perfection

So many people feel an immense amount of pressure to plan and orchestrate the perfect holiday celebration. This pressure can quickly turn from cheer to stress and anxiety. Be wary of falling into the comparison trap and examine your motives—how much of what you are doing is simply to impress others and not what really makes you happy?

Set realistic expectations and do not spread yourself too thin. Talk over your plans with your spouse or family member. Together, prioritize what matters most to you and what you think you can realistically manage.

Then . The hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, parties, and house guests can lead you to feel out of control. The more you plan ahead and ask for help when needed, the less stress you will find yourself under. And remember to keep things in perspective. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t find the perfect gift or everything on your list doesn’t get done. Don’t dwell on it; let it go.

Finally, forgive and forget mishaps. At the end of the day, perfection is impossible, so just do your best and remind yourself to not dwell on minor hiccups in the day. 

4. Family Conflict

At times, conflict between family members is inevitable. But knowing how to manage the conflict without losing your temper is critical.

Whether it be opposing political views or a deep-seated family conflict like perceived favoritism, holiday celebrations are not the time nor the place to seek resolution for these issues. If you find a family member is bringing up a topic that is likely to result in tension and arguments:

• Choose not to engage
• Walk into another room for a few moments to regain your composure
• Ask to defer the conversation for another time and suggest a new topic

5. Spousal Resentment

Often one spouse feels like they’re doing all the work to make the holidays a success. If you find yourself feeling like you’re doing all the work, set aside a time to talk with your spouse and ask for help. Do not let your resentment build. Express your feelings honestly without accusatory language. At the Marriage Recovery Center, we often use Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication Model to help couples communicate effectively.

• (OBSERVATION) When I see you _______ or hear you say _________,
• (FEELING) I feel________.
• (NEED) Because I have a need for ______,
• (REQUEST) in the future, it would help if you would ________.

For example, “When I hear you say that you want to help, but then I don’t see you following through on your promise, I feel confused and anxious, because I have a need for clarity and consistency.  In the future, if you say that you’re willing to help out with a particular task, it would mean a lot to me if you would follow through with your actions.”

On the other hand, if your spouse is the one that takes charge of the holidays, be sure to verbally recognize their efforts and offer assistance, even if they seem to have everything under control. Don’t forget to thank them for all they do to make everything fall into place.

Find the Happy in Happy Holidays This Year

Holidays don’t have to be marked by stress and conflict.  Let us help you identify what’s not working and give you some practical steps you can take to make your holiday a happy one. Contact our Client Care Team and ask about our Mini Intensive. You can also schedule a free consultation with a Client Care Specialist right away.

What is Sex Addiction?

Sex Addiction is not yet recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), though it is anticipated that it will be included in the next edition and it is considered one of a handful of “process” or “behavioral” addictions. Process addiction is a medical term that refers to addictions that are not related to substances, but rather to a behavior such as sex, gambling, and gaming.

The individual is not addicted to a substance but the behavior or the feeling brought about by the relevant action.

In sex addiction, the sexual behavior is no longer associated with pleasure or enjoyment in the relationship or with the development of intimacy. The sexual acting out becomes intertwined with the management of feelings—escaping painful dynamics in one’s life, relieving anxiety, avoiding primary relationships, punishing one’s partner, and an out-of-control arousal system that is never satiated or satisfied.

Having a sex addiction does not mean you are addicted to sex, but rather you have a compulsive relationship to sexual behavior and it is interfering with your life.

Sex Addiction Behavior

The behaviors exhibited in sexual addiction can be wide and varied, ranging from chronic infidelity, compulsive masturbation, or pornography use to voyeurism or constant demand for sexual behaviors within the primary relationship. Though the specific behaviors may vary, there are many common traits amongst those struggling with sex addiction, including, but not limited to:

• chronic, obsessive sexual thoughts and fantasies.
• compulsive relations with multiple partners, including strangers.
• lying to cover behaviors.
• preoccupation with having sex, even when it interferes with daily life, productivity, work performance, and so on.
• inability to stop or control the behaviors.
• continued acting out despite negative consequences, personally or professionally.

Dealing with Sex Addiction

If you or your partner identify with one or more of these symptoms, you may be dealing with an addiction. If an addiction is present, it is important to understand that the relationship to the addiction is the primary relationship in that person’s world. One of the hallmarks of addiction is there is always an escalation of behavior—increased time, cost, and risk—that, if untreated, will get worse.

Seek a clinician who has specific training in addiction, ideally a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) to evaluate and assess your behaviors and history of acting out to determine if there is an addiction and to help identify a course of treatment.

It is important to recognize that not everyone who lies about their sexual behavior is an addict, nor is everyone who cheats a sex addict. But, if you do have a sex addiction, you will need specialized help and support in overcoming these damaging behaviors and addressing the toll it has taken on you and your relationships. We at the Marriage Recovery Center would love to help you do that!

For more information, please contact us at (206) 219-0145.

When thinking about what’s working and what’s not working in a marriage, it can be easy to start with a list of complaints about where your spouse is not meeting your needs. But I suggest that you each start by examining how you are meeting your spouse’s needs first. Taking a close look at our own behavior before we offer critique on our spouse’s flaws allows us to come into the conversation from a place of humility and self-awareness. And there’s a good chance that you will each catch the areas where you need to grow before your spouse even points them out.

Ready for your Marriage Check-Up?

Here are a few questions for each of you to consider individually:

1. Affection – Have I provided my spouse with the emotional affection he or she needs?
2. Communication – Have I listened well when my spouse was telling me something that was important to him or her?
3. Conflict – When we disagreed on something, was I respectful of my spouse and willingly engaged until we resolved the issue?
4. Money – Have I been a good steward of our finances and resources?
5. Household – Have we have defined roles and fulfilled them without complaint?
6. Parenting – Have we defined roles and have supported each other in working with our children?
7. Trust – No matter what happens, can my spouse can depend on me to be supportive?

Take the next step.

Once you’ve each answered all the questions, spend some time discussing your answers with each other in humility and honesty: recognize that this process is crucial to giving your marriage a fresh start. Acknowledge and apologize for the areas where you scored low.  Have a collaborative discussion about how you can each do better in the areas where you scored below a 3, and commit to growth in those areas. If emotions become heated and your conversation becomes oppositional rather than collaborative, take a time out and consider seeking outside help to fully evaluate your marriage.

At the Marriage Recover Center, we offer a Marriage Evaluation Package for couples in need of a more thorough check-up on their relationship or couples who already recognize that there are problems. The 3-session package includes a 1-hour session for each individual and a 1-hour joint session. At the end of the 3-hour evaluation, your counselor will help you develop a plan for how you can grow as a couple and what you will need to do to get there. Learn more about the Marriage Evaluation Package here or call us at (206) 219-0145 for a fresh start.

Q:

What can I do to control my anger in a time of conflict?

A:

Anger can feel all-consuming, especially in the midst of a heated argument or conflict. Our minds race, our thoughts buzz, and our hearts pound. For some, it takes over and the results are emotionally disastrous. Explosive behavior can cause a person to yell, scream, say hurtful things, and even react with physical aggression.

When anger erupts during a conflict with your spouse, a friend, or even a stranger, it can tarnish, damage, or end the relationship. Repeated instances can have lasting effects.  It can affect your spouse’s self-esteem, erode trust, or even worse, change how they respond to you, making them quicker to retaliate or retreat.

How can you prevent your anger from taking over?

Many of us have an adverse reaction to our own anger. We can feel ashamed of being out of control with our actions and emotions. But the truth is, it is unavoidable. It is a basic human emotion that is physiologically sewn into our beings.

Anger can serve a purpose—it lets us know that something we value has been violated. So, the goal is not to avoid ever feeling angry, but to learn to control how negativity affects us and how we react to the emotion, especially as it builds and we risk losing control and possibly even hurting others.

The best way to control your emotions is before an incidence of anger arises. Here are some steps you can take now to help you respond to your emotions rather than react.

Understand: The first step to controlling your anger is understanding the mechanism that causes this powerful emotion. It is hardwired into our brains and bodies.

When a trigger arises, our brain sends an impulse to the amygdala, igniting our fight or flight response. In turn, the adrenal glands begin releasing adrenaline and testosterone. These hormones can trigger aggression. Luckily, our prefrontal cortex exists. This part of the brain helps us make decisions, keeps our hostility reigned in, and guides us towards rational actions.

Reflect: Take some time to reflect. Write down your thoughts as you remember past scenarios that led you to lose your temper.

What emotions you were feeling, and how you responded. Is there a pattern of triggers, like feeling challenged, blamed, or accused by your spouse? If so, watch for these triggers and be prepared for the emotional response that is likely to occur.

Accept responsibility: Following an incidence of uncontrolled anger, many people are prone to shift the blame onto the victim. Recognizing that you are responsible and able to control your response to anger is a crucial step to breaking the harmful patterns.

You may feel out of control during a conflict, but you must accept that you have the ability to control your actions.

How to respond to anger in the moment.

Of course, we recommend diffusing conflict before you reach your threshold. But should a conflict occur, and you feel your insides brewing, here are some additional steps you can take:

Verbalize your feelings: Recognize, acknowledge, and verbalize both to yourself and your spouse, that you are starting to feel angry. This allows your prefrontal cortex to gain more control of the decision-making process. Verbalizing how you feel also allows your spouse the opportunity to acknowledge your anger as well.

Step away: Stay present but choose to control your actions and step away from the conflict. As soon as you start to feel the physical manifestations of anger, like your heart rate going up and tension gripping your body, take a deep breath, and choose to leave. Tell your spouse “I need a moment to calm down.” or “I need some time and space to collect myself.”

Be mindful: Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how strong your anger is. Talk yourself into calming down, and if you can’t, turn to a positive outlet to burn off your built-up angst.

It can be anything from going for a walk, exercising, or listening to music or a podcast. Any activity that you enjoy and takes your mind off the incident can relieve the tension and calm your nervous system.

Do not re-enter the conversation until you are fully composed and calm: Wait to have a conversation with your counselor, if need be. Having someone help you work through your anger and what’s causing your anger can allow you to heal.If your anger has become destructive or chronic and is hurting your relationships, contact our office to find out about our anger management program.

With the right tools and guidance over time, you can reduce the harmful effects of anger on your life and in your relationships.